昨天辭職後，我逐一跟我的同事們說謝謝和再見。
我的 team 有十一個人。和我相熟的有七個。
我見到他們的眼神，是真心為我高興的。
我永遠都不會忘記 E 和 C，因為在她倆的 cubicle 裡，各自的為我的決定變得眼紅紅，流出淚。我不知我們算不算朋友，亦不知道在她們心中我是個什麼人。但那一刻，我深深的感到她們的不捨得。那種不捨得，由她們的紅眼，穿越空氣，打破了我的心。
為我流淚的你，我想給你一個擁抱。如果我有多一點勇氣。
Friday, August 31, 2007
新小組
今晚，我的新小組到我家吃飯，成了我們第一次的相聚。
很多謝 Lulululu 和 Leone 為我們一早的準備一頓豐富美味的晚餐。Aggie 的曲奇。大家的洗碗。想想，除了點人，我好像沒做什麼。
飯後，很快樂的唱了幾首美妙的歌。
就是這樣，快樂的了。
很多謝 Lulululu 和 Leone 為我們一早的準備一頓豐富美味的晚餐。Aggie 的曲奇。大家的洗碗。想想，除了點人，我好像沒做什麼。
飯後，很快樂的唱了幾首美妙的歌。
就是這樣，快樂的了。
Thursday, August 30, 2007
工工工，暫時不用找。
和那公司於八月廿三號見面，談細節。
共談了差不多一個小時。薪金不高，但夠食夠著夠供樓，我滿足的了。職位不高，但有很大的發展空間和自由度，非常滿足的了。
之後，用了幾日時間去接受。畢竟是自己的目標，達到了，起點。兩年前大學畢業後，立下目標要完成工業安全的學位，之後便要入行，要去改變世界。到了 Calgary，經過一年的下班苦讀，那張沙紙我拿到了。然後便經歷幾個星期的找工/面試/等人請。
今天早上，八月三十號，正式辭職。
九月十八號，我人生便踏入另一階段。
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到這刻，我還不太相信已發生了的這些事。好像夢一樣。
但我卻完全相信是誰每一天帶領著我，不斷給我力量，默默支持我。
共談了差不多一個小時。薪金不高，但夠食夠著夠供樓，我滿足的了。職位不高，但有很大的發展空間和自由度，非常滿足的了。
之後，用了幾日時間去接受。畢竟是自己的目標，達到了，起點。兩年前大學畢業後，立下目標要完成工業安全的學位，之後便要入行，要去改變世界。到了 Calgary，經過一年的下班苦讀，那張沙紙我拿到了。然後便經歷幾個星期的找工/面試/等人請。
今天早上，八月三十號，正式辭職。
九月十八號，我人生便踏入另一階段。
---
到這刻，我還不太相信已發生了的這些事。好像夢一樣。
但我卻完全相信是誰每一天帶領著我，不斷給我力量，默默支持我。
Friday, August 17, 2007
Relativity
我明白為什麼我坐光速飛船旅行，回到地球時我所有朋友家人都已老死了。
我明白為什麼在無聲、無窗口、無震的光速昇降機內，我是不會感到我在昇高。
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我不明白為什麼他會對我說，全部人都肯定遲五分鐘，所以如果他亦遲五分鐘，他算是無遲到。
我不明白為什麼他會因為身邊大部份人的懶貪奸而覺得自己又懶又貪又奸無問題。
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一切都是相對嗎？
世界真的無絕對嗎？
我明白為什麼在無聲、無窗口、無震的光速昇降機內，我是不會感到我在昇高。
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我不明白為什麼他會對我說，全部人都肯定遲五分鐘，所以如果他亦遲五分鐘，他算是無遲到。
我不明白為什麼他會因為身邊大部份人的懶貪奸而覺得自己又懶又貪又奸無問題。
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一切都是相對嗎？
世界真的無絕對嗎？
Thursday, August 16, 2007
蝸牛
（網上流傳的小童話，成為今天的提醒。）
你可知道，蝸牛這種小動物從前不是這個樣子的？
很久很久以前，蝸牛的身體又小又輕，還會飛呢！牠拍一拍翅膀，便可以飛到老遠，比蝴蝶、蜜蜂，甚至蜻蜓，還要飛得快。
在一次飛行比賽中，蝸牛贏了冠軍，得到獎杯一座。
蝸牛得意洋洋，捧着獎杯四處炫耀。牠看見黃牛先生，便驕傲地說：「你看！我這獎杯金光閃閃，多好看！」
不久，牠又遇上烏龜叔叔，嘲笑他說：「這是飛行比賽的獎杯啊！你看我飛得多快！」說着，刻意地拍了拍翅膀。
蝸牛身體軟軟的，整天要捧着獎杯到處去，其實頗吃力，漸漸地，牠飛行的次數愈來愈少，走路的次數卻愈來愈多。慢慢地，牠也習慣了把獎杯頂在背脊的感覺。牠整天捧着獎杯愛不釋手，連晚上睡覺也要把身體鑽進獎杯裏。
日復一日，蝸牛的翅膀終於退化了，再也飛不起，而那笨重的獎杯，卻與身體連了起來。從此，蝸牛便要永遠背負着沉重的殼，在地上踽踽而行。
你可知道，蝸牛這種小動物從前不是這個樣子的？
很久很久以前，蝸牛的身體又小又輕，還會飛呢！牠拍一拍翅膀，便可以飛到老遠，比蝴蝶、蜜蜂，甚至蜻蜓，還要飛得快。
在一次飛行比賽中，蝸牛贏了冠軍，得到獎杯一座。
蝸牛得意洋洋，捧着獎杯四處炫耀。牠看見黃牛先生，便驕傲地說：「你看！我這獎杯金光閃閃，多好看！」
不久，牠又遇上烏龜叔叔，嘲笑他說：「這是飛行比賽的獎杯啊！你看我飛得多快！」說着，刻意地拍了拍翅膀。
蝸牛身體軟軟的，整天要捧着獎杯到處去，其實頗吃力，漸漸地，牠飛行的次數愈來愈少，走路的次數卻愈來愈多。慢慢地，牠也習慣了把獎杯頂在背脊的感覺。牠整天捧着獎杯愛不釋手，連晚上睡覺也要把身體鑽進獎杯裏。
日復一日，蝸牛的翅膀終於退化了，再也飛不起，而那笨重的獎杯，卻與身體連了起來。從此，蝸牛便要永遠背負着沉重的殼，在地上踽踽而行。
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
工工工，繼續在見工，等人請！
八月二號，那份工真的打來，說我是其中一個 final candidate，但因為我年紀細，再加上另一個人有超過十年經驗，所以他們決定不請我。
我不開心了好幾天。
我有能力控制的，我已做到最好。我是輸了在我不能改變的地方。（其實我是認同他們的決定的，因為始終十年經驗就是個 safer bet。）
V 安慰我說，至少我已可以和有十年經驗的人一同做 final candidates，已經很利害的了。
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之後，八月九號，去見我前上司介紹的那份工。
一切都很好。
直到八月十三好，他 email 給我，叫我不要存太大希望，因為他們請 internal applicant 的機會非常大。
我衷心的多謝了他。
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同日，八月十三號，另一份新工打來，說要立刻 interview。
這份工，是八月二號不請我的那個經理推薦的。（他真有心！）
我的心很累，不想再見什麼不會請我的工了。你看我的 resume，就知我的底細。如果嫌經驗不夠，沒有十年，你便根本不需要給我 interview。如果你有好多 internal applicants，你亦不需浪費大家時間。
但再想想，每一次見工都是一個機會。如果我沒有在八月二號不請我的那份工的 interview 做得好，肯定不會有明天 interview 的機會。
又要上網 research 了！
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八月十四號，見工。
如常，一切都很好。
下星期三有消息。
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八月十五號，昨天那份工找我拿 reference。
是否有機哩？
我很多謝我現在的 supervisor，因為他從不阻止我去找工，因為他認同人是要追尋夢想的。希望他會加點肉緊，幫我說句好話。
但如果到最後，我又是輸了給個十年經驗的人，我都明白。我當然會失望，但我會接受，我亦相信我會有好結果的。
我不開心了好幾天。
我有能力控制的，我已做到最好。我是輸了在我不能改變的地方。（其實我是認同他們的決定的，因為始終十年經驗就是個 safer bet。）
V 安慰我說，至少我已可以和有十年經驗的人一同做 final candidates，已經很利害的了。
---
之後，八月九號，去見我前上司介紹的那份工。
一切都很好。
直到八月十三好，他 email 給我，叫我不要存太大希望，因為他們請 internal applicant 的機會非常大。
我衷心的多謝了他。
---
同日，八月十三號，另一份新工打來，說要立刻 interview。
這份工，是八月二號不請我的那個經理推薦的。（他真有心！）
我的心很累，不想再見什麼不會請我的工了。你看我的 resume，就知我的底細。如果嫌經驗不夠，沒有十年，你便根本不需要給我 interview。如果你有好多 internal applicants，你亦不需浪費大家時間。
但再想想，每一次見工都是一個機會。如果我沒有在八月二號不請我的那份工的 interview 做得好，肯定不會有明天 interview 的機會。
又要上網 research 了！
---
八月十四號，見工。
如常，一切都很好。
下星期三有消息。
---
八月十五號，昨天那份工找我拿 reference。
是否有機哩？
我很多謝我現在的 supervisor，因為他從不阻止我去找工，因為他認同人是要追尋夢想的。希望他會加點肉緊，幫我說句好話。
但如果到最後，我又是輸了給個十年經驗的人，我都明白。我當然會失望，但我會接受，我亦相信我會有好結果的。
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Yogurt
If you know the relationship between yogurt and diarrhea, please tell me.
From my personal experience, I think it's direct, proportional, and positive.
From my personal experience, I think it's direct, proportional, and positive.
Monday, July 30, 2007
工工工，未見成
原本是七月廿四號，但那公司打電話來，說 delay 到八月二號。
我想，他們是不會請我的了。
我想，也許二十多歲的我是未夠能耐擔起這份工。。。
我想，如果他們因為我年青而不請我，因為那個他經驗很多而不請我，這必定是他們的損失。三年之後的我，必定比三年之後的那個他能幹。而我個 curve 的 slope，是必定比他大。我相信。
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幾日後，我很欣賞的前上司私低下告訴我，他公司請人，叫我立刻 send 個 resume 給他。這個上司，是我三年前做實習時認識的。年青，有頭腦，超級有拼勁，樂於助人，直頭是我偶像。幾年前是個 safety coordinator，之後轉工做了 safety manager，很快便成了 plant manager。
是他教我：有頭腦而勤力的人不多，有頭腦而勤力和有目標的人很少，但他們必定會成功。
亦是他告訴我：doing your best won't guarantee success，doing your best while chasing your dream will。
我想，機會又來了。
我想，他們是不會請我的了。
我想，也許二十多歲的我是未夠能耐擔起這份工。。。
我想，如果他們因為我年青而不請我，因為那個他經驗很多而不請我，這必定是他們的損失。三年之後的我，必定比三年之後的那個他能幹。而我個 curve 的 slope，是必定比他大。我相信。
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幾日後，我很欣賞的前上司私低下告訴我，他公司請人，叫我立刻 send 個 resume 給他。這個上司，是我三年前做實習時認識的。年青，有頭腦，超級有拼勁，樂於助人，直頭是我偶像。幾年前是個 safety coordinator，之後轉工做了 safety manager，很快便成了 plant manager。
是他教我：有頭腦而勤力的人不多，有頭腦而勤力和有目標的人很少，但他們必定會成功。
亦是他告訴我：doing your best won't guarantee success，doing your best while chasing your dream will。
我想，機會又來了。
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
我參加了 party，但又沒有。
早上和 Lulululu 去打掃。見到她的前租客這樣對待她，我真的看不過眼。
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之後便去了蘇氏家 BBQ。本來諗住去和蘇生打機，本來。。。但結果是吃完、收拾完，才可以玩少少。這個有點失望。但其實這晚我是過得很開心。天氣十分好的傍晚，大家飲飲啤酒，吃吃雞翼，吹吹水，飲飲湯。就是這樣。
這是今晚有的半杯水。
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今晚無的另外半杯，同樣關於一個夏天發生的 party。
無論如何，我真的想知原因。
但其實，又不算想，因為我的生命太短，時間不是用來浪費的。
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之後便去了蘇氏家 BBQ。本來諗住去和蘇生打機，本來。。。但結果是吃完、收拾完，才可以玩少少。這個有點失望。但其實這晚我是過得很開心。天氣十分好的傍晚，大家飲飲啤酒，吃吃雞翼，吹吹水，飲飲湯。就是這樣。
這是今晚有的半杯水。
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今晚無的另外半杯，同樣關於一個夏天發生的 party。
無論如何，我真的想知原因。
但其實，又不算想，因為我的生命太短，時間不是用來浪費的。
Thursday, July 26, 2007
睡不著
今日放工時已過了六點，心想，應該早點開工。
回到家後，要 finalize 明天團契帶的歌和兩星期後崇拜帶的歌。由於無 topic，時間又這麼近，所以都有點頭痕，因為不想撞歌或什麼。
有時候，總想收埋一兩首 必hit 的歌做絕招，非到盡時都不用。但總是收不埋，因為好歌，就如好酒，是要分享的。但可惜的是，現在團契的朋友們對音樂的認知還有待進步。每每我們彈得好，唱得好，但就好像他們不太欣賞和投入似的（是我們太孤芳獨賞嗎？）。能夠和懂得的人夾、唱、聽歌，就如打波找到有 chemistry 的隊友一樣，真是會叫人睡不著的。
這幾晚都睡得不好，是什麼作怪呢？
回到家後，要 finalize 明天團契帶的歌和兩星期後崇拜帶的歌。由於無 topic，時間又這麼近，所以都有點頭痕，因為不想撞歌或什麼。
有時候，總想收埋一兩首 必hit 的歌做絕招，非到盡時都不用。但總是收不埋，因為好歌，就如好酒，是要分享的。但可惜的是，現在團契的朋友們對音樂的認知還有待進步。每每我們彈得好，唱得好，但就好像他們不太欣賞和投入似的（是我們太孤芳獨賞嗎？）。能夠和懂得的人夾、唱、聽歌，就如打波找到有 chemistry 的隊友一樣，真是會叫人睡不著的。
這幾晚都睡得不好，是什麼作怪呢？
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
快樂慢慢的回來
過去的兩個月，我知道自己心情非常的差，耐性跌到零，對身邊的人都無什麼禮貌可言。見到什麼看不過的事，我立刻便放箭。
在這兩個月，是我二十多年來第一次有點不喜歡自己。不喜歡脾氣差，不喜歡耐性少，不喜歡我不快樂，不喜歡自己待人的態度，就是有點不喜歡自己。
這種不喜歡而又控制不了的感覺，叫我想起幾位朋友，叫我明白。當時的我不瞭解他們在說什麼，只知道他們是我的真朋友，所以便無所謂。今天，我明白。
突然，快樂慢慢的回到我身旁。
7-21-2007
下晝去補牙。補得很快，補得不痛，所以快樂。
補完牙，買了一支可樂。又冰又涼又甜又怕再要補牙，所以快樂。
之後去了和團契燒0野食。我和 Brother Dragon 起火起得很成功，所以快樂。
弄得我全身是灰，黑色一笪笪，所以快樂。
7-22-2007
崇拜後去食日本0野，好細牒，不算好食，十幾大洋，有點搞笑，所以快樂。
之後大夥兒去食雪糕。我一向都無興趣呢味0野，但心情好，所以快樂。
吃完雪糕，我負責買酒。在酒舖被人查 ID，所以快樂。
因為我剛剛搬了家，車牌被政府沒收了。臨時車牌又沒有相片，所以酒舖怎樣也不肯賣酒給我。他不斷的說看不出我是成年人，所以快樂。
在 LuLuLu 家飲梅酒，所以快樂。
有時間給我小睡，所以快樂。
一大班人 potluck，所以快樂。
7-23-2007
在工作裡再次有力有心做到最好，所以快樂。
感覺到就算那份工不請我也不會叫我不快樂，所以快樂。
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以上的『快樂』，可以轉成『感恩』，所以我很快樂。
在這兩個月，是我二十多年來第一次有點不喜歡自己。不喜歡脾氣差，不喜歡耐性少，不喜歡我不快樂，不喜歡自己待人的態度，就是有點不喜歡自己。
這種不喜歡而又控制不了的感覺，叫我想起幾位朋友，叫我明白。當時的我不瞭解他們在說什麼，只知道他們是我的真朋友，所以便無所謂。今天，我明白。
突然，快樂慢慢的回到我身旁。
7-21-2007
下晝去補牙。補得很快，補得不痛，所以快樂。
補完牙，買了一支可樂。又冰又涼又甜又怕再要補牙，所以快樂。
之後去了和團契燒0野食。我和 Brother Dragon 起火起得很成功，所以快樂。
弄得我全身是灰，黑色一笪笪，所以快樂。
7-22-2007
崇拜後去食日本0野，好細牒，不算好食，十幾大洋，有點搞笑，所以快樂。
之後大夥兒去食雪糕。我一向都無興趣呢味0野，但心情好，所以快樂。
吃完雪糕，我負責買酒。在酒舖被人查 ID，所以快樂。
因為我剛剛搬了家，車牌被政府沒收了。臨時車牌又沒有相片，所以酒舖怎樣也不肯賣酒給我。他不斷的說看不出我是成年人，所以快樂。
在 LuLuLu 家飲梅酒，所以快樂。
有時間給我小睡，所以快樂。
一大班人 potluck，所以快樂。
7-23-2007
在工作裡再次有力有心做到最好，所以快樂。
感覺到就算那份工不請我也不會叫我不快樂，所以快樂。
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以上的『快樂』，可以轉成『感恩』，所以我很快樂。
Friday, July 20, 2007
富有
今晚在團契小組吹水時，我想到『富有』。
常常想到，人生就是要追求成功。成功的人就是富有的人。他身高要職，買大屋，買跑車，買名牌，遊歐洲，食龍蝦，用魚翅liu牙。
有能力的人就要做到最好。Uncle Ben 都有教:with great power comes great responsibility。有能力的人就要做到最好、就要揹上重任，因為這是你的責任。
那我的重任是什麼？
是每天和一班中產的年青人吃喝玩樂嗎？是每天看著樓市、股市嗎？是努力想著何時昇職、加薪嗎？是永遠在這個富有的小圈子嗎？
我想，我進入了 The Peter Parker Moment 了。
常常想到，人生就是要追求成功。成功的人就是富有的人。他身高要職，買大屋，買跑車，買名牌，遊歐洲，食龍蝦，用魚翅liu牙。
有能力的人就要做到最好。Uncle Ben 都有教:with great power comes great responsibility。有能力的人就要做到最好、就要揹上重任，因為這是你的責任。
那我的重任是什麼？
是每天和一班中產的年青人吃喝玩樂嗎？是每天看著樓市、股市嗎？是努力想著何時昇職、加薪嗎？是永遠在這個富有的小圈子嗎？
我想，我進入了 The Peter Parker Moment 了。
尋找 vs 改變
耳熟能長（是這樣寫嗎？）的故事：
有一個人不停在尋找適合自己的教會，也不知轉了多少間教會但仍未能找到。有一天他遇到他現在教會的牧師，牧師見他好像有點心煩。
「有甚麼問題沒有，你看起來好像很憂心。」牧師問。
「我正在找一間完全的教會，但找了很久也未能尋見。」那人憂愁地答。
「完全的教會嗎？我們這裡肯定不是！」牧師靜悄悄地說「如果你找到的話，請你也通知我，好叫我也過去聚會。」
「但是，」牧師繼續說「要是你真的找到完全的教會，我看你還是不要去比較好...」
「為甚麼呢？」那人好奇地問。
牧師回答：「朋友，因為如果你去了那教會的話，那教會就不再完全了！」
這個故事，不只在教會見到，亦可以用於男/女關係上。
有人會選擇不斷的尋找完美的，有人卻會用力去改變現狀。
有一個人不停在尋找適合自己的教會，也不知轉了多少間教會但仍未能找到。有一天他遇到他現在教會的牧師，牧師見他好像有點心煩。
「有甚麼問題沒有，你看起來好像很憂心。」牧師問。
「我正在找一間完全的教會，但找了很久也未能尋見。」那人憂愁地答。
「完全的教會嗎？我們這裡肯定不是！」牧師靜悄悄地說「如果你找到的話，請你也通知我，好叫我也過去聚會。」
「但是，」牧師繼續說「要是你真的找到完全的教會，我看你還是不要去比較好...」
「為甚麼呢？」那人好奇地問。
牧師回答：「朋友，因為如果你去了那教會的話，那教會就不再完全了！」
這個故事，不只在教會見到，亦可以用於男/女關係上。
有人會選擇不斷的尋找完美的，有人卻會用力去改變現狀。
Thursday, July 19, 2007
七月廿四，你快點來
第一次一日內有兩個 interview，仲要是吃完午餐後，原先都有點擔心自己會眼訓。
首先是 phone interview。本來 Toronto 的女人話是星期五的，但今日突然打來，說想早點做完 1st round。聽了她的口吻，便知道這個 interview 都是浪費大家時間。其實我和她是談得來的，她亦很熟識這行的運作，所以我也學到一些。不過到最後，雙方都很清楚這是沒結果的。（他們出的薪金太低，根本是想我退出。）
之後的 interview 好很多。這份工亦是我很想得到的。兩個 managers 輪流問了我很多問題，我覺得我答得不錯。我亦問了不少問題，但不知道他們喜不喜歡我，因為我確實是經驗不夠。本應是三十分鐘的 interview，用了足足一個小時。離開時我想，這份工可以學到非常多的東西，亦有很大的責任，就算錢少一些我也肯做。
他們說，請我與否，都在下星期二揭曉。
首先是 phone interview。本來 Toronto 的女人話是星期五的，但今日突然打來，說想早點做完 1st round。聽了她的口吻，便知道這個 interview 都是浪費大家時間。其實我和她是談得來的，她亦很熟識這行的運作，所以我也學到一些。不過到最後，雙方都很清楚這是沒結果的。（他們出的薪金太低，根本是想我退出。）
之後的 interview 好很多。這份工亦是我很想得到的。兩個 managers 輪流問了我很多問題，我覺得我答得不錯。我亦問了不少問題，但不知道他們喜不喜歡我，因為我確實是經驗不夠。本應是三十分鐘的 interview，用了足足一個小時。離開時我想，這份工可以學到非常多的東西，亦有很大的責任，就算錢少一些我也肯做。
他們說，請我與否，都在下星期二揭曉。
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
一是不來。。。
從 NY 回來後，人迷失了。
間中有上網找過新工，但從未認真的。所以全無回音。
慢慢的心情好了。今個星期一深吸了一口氣，對自己說：『是時候向前行了。』
放工後，keyword search 到大慨十份工，報了應該有五份。星期二早上，有 Toronto head office 打來，說想立刻 phone interview，我說未準備好，所以改到星期五。今天（星期三）早上，有另一間公司打來，亦說要立刻 in-person interview，我說我正在上班，不能說走便走，所以改到明天。
當然，這只是 interview。而在電話裡，我有種"揍人數"的感覺，好像要 interview 我來頂 quota。。。
怎樣都好，但這樣的立刻，有點嚇人。
我明天亦會做到最好，叫他不能不請我。
間中有上網找過新工，但從未認真的。所以全無回音。
慢慢的心情好了。今個星期一深吸了一口氣，對自己說：『是時候向前行了。』
放工後，keyword search 到大慨十份工，報了應該有五份。星期二早上，有 Toronto head office 打來，說想立刻 phone interview，我說未準備好，所以改到星期五。今天（星期三）早上，有另一間公司打來，亦說要立刻 in-person interview，我說我正在上班，不能說走便走，所以改到明天。
當然，這只是 interview。而在電話裡，我有種"揍人數"的感覺，好像要 interview 我來頂 quota。。。
怎樣都好，但這樣的立刻，有點嚇人。
我明天亦會做到最好，叫他不能不請我。
Monday, July 16, 2007
Good read
時代論壇 article by 黃國棟、余創豪
很高興因為我們活在一個自由的社會，可以把自己人的問題在自己人的地方寫出來。
除了這篇文章已提出的之外，我還很記得幾年前，同樣在時代論壇，有另一作者亦作出相似的控訴。叫那作者看不過眼的是一位溫哥華很出名的牧師。當時他標榜自己是博士，四處開講座。有次我聽過他講"創造vs進化"。有點似是而非的感覺。好像他找了幾本創造論的書，和幾本進化論的書，看完 summary，便開講座。
讀過書的人（其實任何人）都會知道，你要去教人，你自己首先要是個 expert。數學 expert 不能教化學，牛腩師傅不能教煮龍蝦，神學博士當然亦無資格去教進化論。In fact, there are multiple theories surrounding evolutionism alone that even scientists who have devoted their entire lives into those subjects don't fully agree upon. How can an outsider who have not studied creationism nor evoluntionism hold a comparative presentation?
終於，這牧師便在香港被人踢爆。
那時有點爭論，有人在網上維護他，怎樣怎樣。
這種 unqualified 去教人的情況在（某些）教會發生，尤其華人教會。他們（教會話事人，或上一輩的）覺得牧師是什麼都懂的。有點神化了牧師。現在這狀況好了些，應該和新一代受過高深教育的新話事人有關吧。
很高興因為我們活在一個自由的社會，可以把自己人的問題在自己人的地方寫出來。
除了這篇文章已提出的之外，我還很記得幾年前，同樣在時代論壇，有另一作者亦作出相似的控訴。叫那作者看不過眼的是一位溫哥華很出名的牧師。當時他標榜自己是博士，四處開講座。有次我聽過他講"創造vs進化"。有點似是而非的感覺。好像他找了幾本創造論的書，和幾本進化論的書，看完 summary，便開講座。
讀過書的人（其實任何人）都會知道，你要去教人，你自己首先要是個 expert。數學 expert 不能教化學，牛腩師傅不能教煮龍蝦，神學博士當然亦無資格去教進化論。In fact, there are multiple theories surrounding evolutionism alone that even scientists who have devoted their entire lives into those subjects don't fully agree upon. How can an outsider who have not studied creationism nor evoluntionism hold a comparative presentation?
終於，這牧師便在香港被人踢爆。
那時有點爭論，有人在網上維護他，怎樣怎樣。
這種 unqualified 去教人的情況在（某些）教會發生，尤其華人教會。他們（教會話事人，或上一輩的）覺得牧師是什麼都懂的。有點神化了牧師。現在這狀況好了些，應該和新一代受過高深教育的新話事人有關吧。
Sunday, July 15, 2007
這幾天
1）星期四晚，教會一位年青人，在做最後一份的實習，在 Calgary 的牛仔節，在公司的 Stampede party，被一隻機械牛擊中頭部，第二天便過世。
我不認識他。但他的離世叫我再想起 Danny Jacky 嘉榆 契媽。
更可惜的，是他跟他家人連說再見的機會都沒有。
不想了，太傷心。
2）星期五放工，我公司去了 Cowboy's 來個 crazy open bar party。同事們好像失去理智的狂飲。就算是 open bar，就算是一年一度，都不用這麼失禮。Don't we all know that we should never get drunk in front of co-workers? I guess my company didn't get the memo。。。
我離開時，見到迎面一個 sexy lady 著了一件超細碼 tank top，在上面寫著：It's not cheatin, It's Stampede。
3）星期六看了 The Transformers。
超利害的 CGI，幾段笑位，其他的全是悶場。可能是我從未喜歡過這類型的戲吧。
4）星期日有點害怕上教會。一路上不知要怎面對那消息。崇拜完了，我看到的，是很多流淚，很多擁抱，很多哀痛，全部都是一心的。
但有一件眼yuen事。拍完車後，我看到我前面不遠處的夫婦把剛吃完 McD 的紙袋丟在草地上。我"跟縱"他們，肯定他們入了教會，之後我回到案發現場。
這是他們的車。
我不認識他。但他的離世叫我再想起 Danny Jacky 嘉榆 契媽。
更可惜的，是他跟他家人連說再見的機會都沒有。
不想了，太傷心。
2）星期五放工，我公司去了 Cowboy's 來個 crazy open bar party。同事們好像失去理智的狂飲。就算是 open bar，就算是一年一度，都不用這麼失禮。Don't we all know that we should never get drunk in front of co-workers? I guess my company didn't get the memo。。。
我離開時，見到迎面一個 sexy lady 著了一件超細碼 tank top，在上面寫著：It's not cheatin, It's Stampede。
3）星期六看了 The Transformers。
超利害的 CGI，幾段笑位，其他的全是悶場。可能是我從未喜歡過這類型的戲吧。
4）星期日有點害怕上教會。一路上不知要怎面對那消息。崇拜完了，我看到的，是很多流淚，很多擁抱，很多哀痛，全部都是一心的。
但有一件眼yuen事。拍完車後，我看到我前面不遠處的夫婦把剛吃完 McD 的紙袋丟在草地上。我"跟縱"他們，肯定他們入了教會，之後我回到案發現場。
這是他們的車。
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
seven seven seven
這個 weekend 飛回 Vancouver，主要為了 K&J 的婚禮，次為了探人，次次為了離開 Calgary 一下。
7-7-2007
等了兩年的婚禮給我見証了。由兩年前 呀K 不斷的對我（和所有人）說出他對結婚的看重，每一天都看著他為這個婚禮的努力（一個人做四份工，不是講玩的），到他慢慢的事業上成功，到女方家人的接納，到今天。。。我真的為他倆開心。
很美麗（但很熱）的教堂，漂亮的結婚相，花車，老爺 Rolls Royce。。。
可是，也許，這兩年（或這世人）他太辛苦了，所以他今天表現得有點吐氣揚眉，有點得戚，有幾句說話是 borderline 叫人皺眉頭。想到這裡，心中有點不舒服。
再想想他的婚禮，我直認我覺得自己太重要。坦白說，我覺得我在他心中的地位比我實際在他心中的地位為高（sentence fragment？）也許我只是一個小弟弟，一個聽了他訴苦無限次的人，而不是一個比朋友好一點的朋友。想到這裡，心中有點不舒服。
--
7-8-2007
早上參加了聽聞很久的歌鄰基督教會崇拜。很好的 topic，很好的 singsipration。看得出、感受到他們的投入和用心。
見到很多以前 RCAC 的人。都是不太相熟，點頭、揮手那種。除了 Joyce，我相信她是真的對我好的。
下晝去了 R&Vien 的新居。很高興呢！記得幾個月前，他們還有點為婚後住屋問題有點不清楚，但現在已買了單位了！我很喜歡這新居的佈置，舒服。還有那部 40" Samsung 全白大 LCD，流口水！
之後請了弟弟和 A.Ho 去吃韓國餐。A 是在 SFU 的朋友中對我最好的一個。弟弟是我的唯一一個。人生這樣，夠了。
可惜這個 weekend 無機會好好的和 A 談談。
---
7-9-2007
又去了 那個 outlet。
今次買不到波鞋，但買了幾件 tee 和 cargo shorts 給自己和弟弟。
這一天我感到，第一次，和 V 的家人的"生外"與格漠少了，可以說是變得很小。很舒服。
之後看了 V的姐姐 想買的屋。幾十年舊到不能住的 bungalow，大地，在遠遠的 Coquitlam，要五十多萬，還說是平。唉。
----
7-10-2007
最後一天，開了個多小時車（只是三十公里路），由 Richmond 到 Coquitlam，為了看 Kwik-E-Mart，真的有點傻。但看看拍了的相片，又覺得很值得！
V 說：原來 Ralph 的這麼矮的。
臨上機前，在 Richmond Centre 買了突然半價的 全黑AF25 Supreme，嘩開心。當我要買籃球鞋時買到自己喜歡的，再加上是我可以 afford 得到的，真開心。（其實這對鞋最多只值 $140，跟本不值 MRSP $210。）
很多謝 D 在晚上由機場車我回家。我真的不知怎樣多謝他們這一家。
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回到家裡，有點孤單。
7-7-2007
等了兩年的婚禮給我見証了。由兩年前 呀K 不斷的對我（和所有人）說出他對結婚的看重，每一天都看著他為這個婚禮的努力（一個人做四份工，不是講玩的），到他慢慢的事業上成功，到女方家人的接納，到今天。。。我真的為他倆開心。
很美麗（但很熱）的教堂，漂亮的結婚相，花車，老爺 Rolls Royce。。。
可是，也許，這兩年（或這世人）他太辛苦了，所以他今天表現得有點吐氣揚眉，有點得戚，有幾句說話是 borderline 叫人皺眉頭。想到這裡，心中有點不舒服。
再想想他的婚禮，我直認我覺得自己太重要。坦白說，我覺得我在他心中的地位比我實際在他心中的地位為高（sentence fragment？）也許我只是一個小弟弟，一個聽了他訴苦無限次的人，而不是一個比朋友好一點的朋友。想到這裡，心中有點不舒服。
--
7-8-2007
早上參加了聽聞很久的歌鄰基督教會崇拜。很好的 topic，很好的 singsipration。看得出、感受到他們的投入和用心。
見到很多以前 RCAC 的人。都是不太相熟，點頭、揮手那種。除了 Joyce，我相信她是真的對我好的。
下晝去了 R&Vien 的新居。很高興呢！記得幾個月前，他們還有點為婚後住屋問題有點不清楚，但現在已買了單位了！我很喜歡這新居的佈置，舒服。還有那部 40" Samsung 全白大 LCD，流口水！
之後請了弟弟和 A.Ho 去吃韓國餐。A 是在 SFU 的朋友中對我最好的一個。弟弟是我的唯一一個。人生這樣，夠了。
可惜這個 weekend 無機會好好的和 A 談談。
---
7-9-2007
又去了 那個 outlet。
今次買不到波鞋，但買了幾件 tee 和 cargo shorts 給自己和弟弟。
這一天我感到，第一次，和 V 的家人的"生外"與格漠少了，可以說是變得很小。很舒服。
之後看了 V的姐姐 想買的屋。幾十年舊到不能住的 bungalow，大地，在遠遠的 Coquitlam，要五十多萬，還說是平。唉。
----
7-10-2007
最後一天，開了個多小時車（只是三十公里路），由 Richmond 到 Coquitlam，為了看 Kwik-E-Mart，真的有點傻。但看看拍了的相片，又覺得很值得！
V 說：原來 Ralph 的這麼矮的。
臨上機前，在 Richmond Centre 買了突然半價的 全黑AF25 Supreme，嘩開心。當我要買籃球鞋時買到自己喜歡的，再加上是我可以 afford 得到的，真開心。（其實這對鞋最多只值 $140，跟本不值 MRSP $210。）
很多謝 D 在晚上由機場車我回家。我真的不知怎樣多謝他們這一家。
-----
回到家裡，有點孤單。
Thursday, June 28, 2007
原來就是這樣
剛剛和媽媽傾完電話。
媽媽問我：工作好媽？
我：還不錯。。。
媽：新屋好嗎？
我：都差不多，只是比較亂。
媽：。。。
之後媽媽說 poh-poh 下星期回香港了。她說 pohpoh 說了很多我的好話，怎樣怎樣。她說 pohpoh 十分憎恨 uncle Chiu，她完全的放不低。
我只是覺得很可惜。很很很。不是因為得到癌症，不是因為什麼，而是因為他決定隱瞞令大家浪費了兩個月的時間。那兩個月可以去飲茶，可以去旅行，可以去買送，可以很多。
經已三個星期了，我想，我仍不太接受得到。
原來就是這樣。她這樣便去了。
原來就是這樣。我們永遠也不會再見。
原來就是這樣。我想跟她分享我的成就。我想給她看看我的新屋。我想和她一起笑看二十年前拍的照片。我想送她一部新車。我想她抱抱我的兒女。
（一句我也沒說出口。）
媽：不講喇，要吃麵。
媽媽問我：工作好媽？
我：還不錯。。。
媽：新屋好嗎？
我：都差不多，只是比較亂。
媽：。。。
之後媽媽說 poh-poh 下星期回香港了。她說 pohpoh 說了很多我的好話，怎樣怎樣。她說 pohpoh 十分憎恨 uncle Chiu，她完全的放不低。
我只是覺得很可惜。很很很。不是因為得到癌症，不是因為什麼，而是因為他決定隱瞞令大家浪費了兩個月的時間。那兩個月可以去飲茶，可以去旅行，可以去買送，可以很多。
經已三個星期了，我想，我仍不太接受得到。
原來就是這樣。她這樣便去了。
原來就是這樣。我們永遠也不會再見。
原來就是這樣。我想跟她分享我的成就。我想給她看看我的新屋。我想和她一起笑看二十年前拍的照片。我想送她一部新車。我想她抱抱我的兒女。
（一句我也沒說出口。）
媽：不講喇，要吃麵。
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
不改名的決定 II
當我領略到 SamxxxXXxx 是：
1）父母很遲才生他這個獨子，所以肯定是被縱壞的；
2）無禮貌；
3）目中無人；
4）任性；
5）死於女人手上的傻仔
時，我再沒興趣做他的 name bearer。暗地裡，我有想過改名。
我只記得，漸漸地我不再想改名。我覺得一個那麼失敗的名字就像一條拔不走的刺，每天的弄痛我，每天的提醒我。
尤其是關於女人。
這個名提醒我不可走在街上便隨便的被美色迷住（可以被吸引，但不能迷），
他又提醒我不可嫖妓（我暫時沒這個興稚）；
他更提醒我千萬不要搭上貪錢、無腦、不斷囉嗦、死纏難打、終日哭哭涕涕的麻煩女人。
因為一旦搭上，便只有死路一條。
1）父母很遲才生他這個獨子，所以肯定是被縱壞的；
2）無禮貌；
3）目中無人；
4）任性；
5）死於女人手上的傻仔
時，我再沒興趣做他的 name bearer。暗地裡，我有想過改名。
我只記得，漸漸地我不再想改名。我覺得一個那麼失敗的名字就像一條拔不走的刺，每天的弄痛我，每天的提醒我。
尤其是關於女人。
這個名提醒我不可走在街上便隨便的被美色迷住（可以被吸引，但不能迷），
他又提醒我不可嫖妓（我暫時沒這個興稚）；
他更提醒我千萬不要搭上貪錢、無腦、不斷囉嗦、死纏難打、終日哭哭涕涕的麻煩女人。
因為一旦搭上，便只有死路一條。
Friday, June 22, 2007
不改名的決定 I
一切由小學開始。
上英文堂，老師要我們改英文名。學校說，在英文的世界一定要有個英文名。所以，我們這班七、八歲的小朋友，便展開我們尋名之旅。其實，我們對英文名的認識，只限於課本上的 Peter, John, Mary, Siu Ming...或者電視/電影裡，所以有同學叫 Rambo。又或者是從哥哥/表姐那裡，所以會有 Leslie, Alan, Anita, Danny。
而那時的我，選名的第一大點就是一定不能和同班同學同名。就算是我先叫了 David，如果有個茂李又叫自己做 David，我便改名。就是這個超愚蠢的決定，所以我有過無數的名: David, Alex, Ricky, Rocky(好打)...等等。何況老師準許我這無聊的行為，所以便好像一期一個名似的。
直到四年班，某次踢足球的朋友說他爸爸原本想叫他 SamxxxXXXxx，我聽了便立刻喜歡這個名了。SamxxxxXXx 好呀，因為我偉大的學校裡沒有人叫 Samxxxxx。我這足球朋友之後好像叫了 Pierre。
---
很快便移民加拿大。
都覺得這個名不錯。好聽得來，又從來不會撞名。
直到在教會裡的 uncle & aunties 開始講笑，我才開始對這個名產生興趣。
原來 SamxxXXxx 不是一個豬肉佬半夜在九龍城作出來的，而是實有其人，還是名人！
---
到了大學，我第一次有改名的念頭。
因為 Samxxxxxxx 的故事我在聖經裡重覆讀無數次，我很清楚他是個名人，是個超班的失敗者。
上英文堂，老師要我們改英文名。學校說，在英文的世界一定要有個英文名。所以，我們這班七、八歲的小朋友，便展開我們尋名之旅。其實，我們對英文名的認識，只限於課本上的 Peter, John, Mary, Siu Ming...或者電視/電影裡，所以有同學叫 Rambo。又或者是從哥哥/表姐那裡，所以會有 Leslie, Alan, Anita, Danny。
而那時的我，選名的第一大點就是一定不能和同班同學同名。就算是我先叫了 David，如果有個茂李又叫自己做 David，我便改名。就是這個超愚蠢的決定，所以我有過無數的名: David, Alex, Ricky, Rocky(好打)...等等。何況老師準許我這無聊的行為，所以便好像一期一個名似的。
直到四年班，某次踢足球的朋友說他爸爸原本想叫他 SamxxxXXXxx，我聽了便立刻喜歡這個名了。SamxxxxXXx 好呀，因為我偉大的學校裡沒有人叫 Samxxxxx。我這足球朋友之後好像叫了 Pierre。
---
很快便移民加拿大。
都覺得這個名不錯。好聽得來，又從來不會撞名。
直到在教會裡的 uncle & aunties 開始講笑，我才開始對這個名產生興趣。
原來 SamxxXXxx 不是一個豬肉佬半夜在九龍城作出來的，而是實有其人，還是名人！
---
到了大學，我第一次有改名的念頭。
因為 Samxxxxxxx 的故事我在聖經裡重覆讀無數次，我很清楚他是個名人，是個超班的失敗者。
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
In the Bedroom
數年前看 In the Bedroom，看不明。所以不喜歡。不明白為什麼兩夫婦的關係會因為兒子之死而變得冰凍。
但我卻很記得電台的影評 Alex 說這套戲真實、感人。
今天不用上班，呆再家中，腦袋不斷的有林海峰說著：
...一個晚上一個人0個向床上面
查住個搖控不停咁轉台 食0左兩粒安眠藥
跟住點起支薄荷煙
然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
我沒有睡眠的問題，
我沒有吸煙的型格，
我亦沒有流淚。
--
想起來，做電台已是五、六前的事，而 Alex 我還從沒見過面。
但我卻很記得電台的影評 Alex 說這套戲真實、感人。
今天不用上班，呆再家中，腦袋不斷的有林海峰說著：
...一個晚上一個人0個向床上面
查住個搖控不停咁轉台 食0左兩粒安眠藥
跟住點起支薄荷煙
然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
我沒有睡眠的問題，
我沒有吸煙的型格，
我亦沒有流淚。
--
想起來，做電台已是五、六前的事，而 Alex 我還從沒見過面。
Sunday, June 17, 2007
十年
十年
人人都在說十年。
Wy文，E-神，CC，千fa + 雷仲得有個十年音樂會。我在等 DVD 出。（會嗎？）
星期X檔案和鏗鏘集就做回歸十年特輯。這次要多謝 BT。
---
今天跟一位和我有十年的朋友重聚。
原來經已十年（或是更長呢？）。懷念有些，可惜有些，親切有些，奇怪有些。
懷念過去一起有過的回憶：去教會時差點撞車，她表哥的衰史，她去 Toronto 前洗車，錄音帶，還有我傷害過的那個女孩...
她的大笑仍在，數量少了，天真少了；她的美麗仍在，十年後的臉孔，躲在化妝品後，已看不到那親切的小斑點了。
可惜是她為何放棄辛苦多年的學位？
奇怪地有點興幸當年沒有喜歡過她，十幾歲時的我的 quota 已滿，沒有位子傷多一個好女仔。何況她追求者眾，根本未輪到我。今天再見，只覺大家走的路很不同，已分開很遠。
她繼續每天的見証這個世界，
而我亦在這裡背負很多個萬的債。
人人都在說十年。
Wy文，E-神，CC，千fa + 雷仲得有個十年音樂會。我在等 DVD 出。（會嗎？）
星期X檔案和鏗鏘集就做回歸十年特輯。這次要多謝 BT。
---
今天跟一位和我有十年的朋友重聚。
原來經已十年（或是更長呢？）。懷念有些，可惜有些，親切有些，奇怪有些。
懷念過去一起有過的回憶：去教會時差點撞車，她表哥的衰史，她去 Toronto 前洗車，錄音帶，還有我傷害過的那個女孩...
她的大笑仍在，數量少了，天真少了；她的美麗仍在，十年後的臉孔，躲在化妝品後，已看不到那親切的小斑點了。
可惜是她為何放棄辛苦多年的學位？
奇怪地有點興幸當年沒有喜歡過她，十幾歲時的我的 quota 已滿，沒有位子傷多一個好女仔。何況她追求者眾，根本未輪到我。今天再見，只覺大家走的路很不同，已分開很遠。
她繼續每天的見証這個世界，
而我亦在這裡背負很多個萬的債。
越想越無謂
今日和 praise team 夾歌。
由於尋日打籃球打散了兩臂，所以彈結他無力。
今日亦終於見了傳聞中的未來李太。希望以後有機會一齊夾歌。
夾歌時有不快的事情發生。但練完歌後，她立刻打電話給我們道歉。我十分十分的佩服這性格。
下次再夾過吧！
--
I believe in every situation, there needs to be a leader. To make the final decision. To make tough decisions.
I assumed that somebody has been appointed leader, therefore I didn't do/say anything. But maybe, today showed, that we all just "assumed".
I always have the urge to take control.
I think this is my biggest character flaw. (If I was a Shakespeare character, I would be killed by it.) I want to take control. When the situation seems to be wandering, I just want to grab the steering wheel and drive. Sometimes it's good, other times ppl think I'm rude.
Oh well, not that I really care...
Another character flaw! No love from Mr. Lui!
由於尋日打籃球打散了兩臂，所以彈結他無力。
今日亦終於見了傳聞中的未來李太。希望以後有機會一齊夾歌。
夾歌時有不快的事情發生。但練完歌後，她立刻打電話給我們道歉。我十分十分的佩服這性格。
下次再夾過吧！
--
I believe in every situation, there needs to be a leader. To make the final decision. To make tough decisions.
I assumed that somebody has been appointed leader, therefore I didn't do/say anything. But maybe, today showed, that we all just "assumed".
I always have the urge to take control.
I think this is my biggest character flaw. (If I was a Shakespeare character, I would be killed by it.) I want to take control. When the situation seems to be wandering, I just want to grab the steering wheel and drive. Sometimes it's good, other times ppl think I'm rude.
Oh well, not that I really care...
Another character flaw! No love from Mr. Lui!
Saturday, June 16, 2007
還要我上毒品課？
下晝打了三個多鐘籃球。遲是遲了些，但現在我真的是愛上籃球。我開竅了。
但愛上不等於時時刻刻都想著籃球。以前天天打籃球時，是愛上和好友一起的時光。現在一個月打一兩次，是真的愛上。
可是身體差了，打完一次每件肌肉都酸、每條筋都差點兒抽，要很多天才能復完。
是 timing 吧？
晚上到馬家吃 burgers 和 腸仔。喝完啤酒，看門徒。
整體感覺像看 Discovery Channel。很學術性。
而那幕發夢的性交很恐佈，我什麼幻想都沒有了。
這套戲沒有以往看爾東昇的戲所擁有的感動。
回家路上，有點兒空虛。
但愛上不等於時時刻刻都想著籃球。以前天天打籃球時，是愛上和好友一起的時光。現在一個月打一兩次，是真的愛上。
可是身體差了，打完一次每件肌肉都酸、每條筋都差點兒抽，要很多天才能復完。
是 timing 吧？
晚上到馬家吃 burgers 和 腸仔。喝完啤酒，看門徒。
整體感覺像看 Discovery Channel。很學術性。
而那幕發夢的性交很恐佈，我什麼幻想都沒有了。
這套戲沒有以往看爾東昇的戲所擁有的感動。
回家路上，有點兒空虛。
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
NY Day 7: Hospital
KaiMa has been in and out of hospitals since the discovery of her liver cancer in March.
Her family doctor told her she can stay home for as long as possible. Because hospitals in the States are free, also because she needs family time more than hospital time.
She is very fortunate as Uncle's medical insurance covers 99% of her med costs. Her monthly medicine bill is around $7500 US, her hospital room costs $1300 per night. It made me think about Canada, about our public health care system. I often complain of the sales tax, the property tax, the income tax, the investment tax. But I can't even fathom the idea of having/paying that much for medical treatment.
Tonight, KaiMa's condition took a nose-dive. Her skin turned yellow, her eyes turned yellow, both of her legs had massive swelling. Uncle "rushed" her to the hospital in Manhattan. Well, he tried to rush...since it was during rush hour, and a normal 35min drive turned into 75minutes.
We went to the hospital about 2 hours later. Por Por heated up some food (brilliant idea suggested by Mr. Lui), Son#1 took the baby, and we all went there. For me, the car ride was beautiful but long. The NY night scene is nowhere close to what HK can offer, but still we passed by many many famous landmarks.
I saw KaiMa, on her bed, unit #7 of the Urgent Care room. Exhausted. She grabbed my hand, and began to weep.
She said,
"I'm very glad to see you."
"Very happy to have you fly all the way here."
"I'm sorry I won't be able to drive you to the airport."
Those were the 3 lines she spoke before the others arrived and started to talk.
That was (probably) the final moment we would share in our lifetime (barring miracles).
We left the hospital after 2 hours.
And at 5:00am, I arrived at the airport, and said goodbye to this week-long life-altering experience.
Her family doctor told her she can stay home for as long as possible. Because hospitals in the States are free, also because she needs family time more than hospital time.
She is very fortunate as Uncle's medical insurance covers 99% of her med costs. Her monthly medicine bill is around $7500 US, her hospital room costs $1300 per night. It made me think about Canada, about our public health care system. I often complain of the sales tax, the property tax, the income tax, the investment tax. But I can't even fathom the idea of having/paying that much for medical treatment.
Tonight, KaiMa's condition took a nose-dive. Her skin turned yellow, her eyes turned yellow, both of her legs had massive swelling. Uncle "rushed" her to the hospital in Manhattan. Well, he tried to rush...since it was during rush hour, and a normal 35min drive turned into 75minutes.
We went to the hospital about 2 hours later. Por Por heated up some food (brilliant idea suggested by Mr. Lui), Son#1 took the baby, and we all went there. For me, the car ride was beautiful but long. The NY night scene is nowhere close to what HK can offer, but still we passed by many many famous landmarks.
I saw KaiMa, on her bed, unit #7 of the Urgent Care room. Exhausted. She grabbed my hand, and began to weep.
She said,
"I'm very glad to see you."
"Very happy to have you fly all the way here."
"I'm sorry I won't be able to drive you to the airport."
Those were the 3 lines she spoke before the others arrived and started to talk.
That was (probably) the final moment we would share in our lifetime (barring miracles).
We left the hospital after 2 hours.
And at 5:00am, I arrived at the airport, and said goodbye to this week-long life-altering experience.
Friday, June 01, 2007
NY Day 6: 20 years
Today I didn't even step one foot out the front door.
I sat and read "When your doctor has bad news". A very informative and nicely written book I borrowed from Lucia.
---
After dinner was over, Son#1 installed this sonic pulse machine he bought for KaiMa. I asked what it was. He explained every person has some sort of electrical field, and when the field is disturbed we get ill. By shooting sonic pulse directly at the area of pain, the electrical field would be restored and the person would get better. (When he said electrical field, I immediately thought of the Right Thumb Rule.)
I checked this machine. It consists of one battery pack, a little black box, and the barrel. The black box produces this tick-tick sound, and the barrel shoots a red light. My little brain told me this is nothing more than a gigantic lazer pointer with a metronome. But seeing their enthused faces, I kept silent.
Then uncle came and tried to manuver the machine. He quitely shot some degrading words at Son#1 in the lines of "dumb and stupid". That's when things got out of hand.
They shouted at each other, raised their voices, cursed at one another and at the end punches were almost thrown if Son#2 didn't step in. Uncle left the house, and basically said he will never be home if Son#1 is around. KaiMa cried. Little baby cried. I was in shock.
After things cooled down, Son#1 fumed that he has hated his father for 20 years. Por Por said she has hated her son in law for 20 years. KaiMa has stuck between all this for 20 years.
For 20 years.
I sat and read "When your doctor has bad news". A very informative and nicely written book I borrowed from Lucia.
---
After dinner was over, Son#1 installed this sonic pulse machine he bought for KaiMa. I asked what it was. He explained every person has some sort of electrical field, and when the field is disturbed we get ill. By shooting sonic pulse directly at the area of pain, the electrical field would be restored and the person would get better. (When he said electrical field, I immediately thought of the Right Thumb Rule.)
I checked this machine. It consists of one battery pack, a little black box, and the barrel. The black box produces this tick-tick sound, and the barrel shoots a red light. My little brain told me this is nothing more than a gigantic lazer pointer with a metronome. But seeing their enthused faces, I kept silent.
Then uncle came and tried to manuver the machine. He quitely shot some degrading words at Son#1 in the lines of "dumb and stupid". That's when things got out of hand.
They shouted at each other, raised their voices, cursed at one another and at the end punches were almost thrown if Son#2 didn't step in. Uncle left the house, and basically said he will never be home if Son#1 is around. KaiMa cried. Little baby cried. I was in shock.
After things cooled down, Son#1 fumed that he has hated his father for 20 years. Por Por said she has hated her son in law for 20 years. KaiMa has stuck between all this for 20 years.
For 20 years.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
NY Day 5: You choose your girlfriend
Today I did nothing.
I woke at 10am, had breakfast, sat around, had lunch, sat around some more, took a nap, had dinner, and now writing this blog.
I felt this trip not only gives me an opportunity to be with my KaiMa, it also provides me a week of much needed break. I've been going all out since May2006. Moved from Van-->Cal, started new job, adapted to new life at new city, finished my certificate in 2 semesters, moved...I longed for a week of doing nothing. Now I have it. Planned or not.
This afternoon, while looking out the window, I felt peace. The weather was perfect, the humidity was perfect, the pollen level was perfect. I haven't done any sightseeing this time around in NY, and I don't need to.
---
For dinner, the whole family (minus uncle, who was at work) went to this Chinese restaurant. Since there were 2 white girls, we sort of ordered "gwai lo food". Sweet and sour pork, friend chicken, and the sorts. Still S1W didn't eat any, and she ordered a fried rice all for herself.
However, the only thing that got onto my nerves was Son#2. Again! During the entire dinner, he served, served, his girlfriend while completely neglected por por and KaiMa. If he would kneel on the floor while serving he would've received perfect marks.
I tried to tell him to help por por get food. KaiMa knew of my angry eye, and said, "Suen La, he chose her to be his gf, he didn't choose me to be his mom."
Anyway, Ah Mui's husband is a real funny man. Although his voice is similar to a male-Cecilia Cheung as he drinks and smokes too much.
I woke at 10am, had breakfast, sat around, had lunch, sat around some more, took a nap, had dinner, and now writing this blog.
I felt this trip not only gives me an opportunity to be with my KaiMa, it also provides me a week of much needed break. I've been going all out since May2006. Moved from Van-->Cal, started new job, adapted to new life at new city, finished my certificate in 2 semesters, moved...I longed for a week of doing nothing. Now I have it. Planned or not.
This afternoon, while looking out the window, I felt peace. The weather was perfect, the humidity was perfect, the pollen level was perfect. I haven't done any sightseeing this time around in NY, and I don't need to.
---
For dinner, the whole family (minus uncle, who was at work) went to this Chinese restaurant. Since there were 2 white girls, we sort of ordered "gwai lo food". Sweet and sour pork, friend chicken, and the sorts. Still S1W didn't eat any, and she ordered a fried rice all for herself.
However, the only thing that got onto my nerves was Son#2. Again! During the entire dinner, he served, served, his girlfriend while completely neglected por por and KaiMa. If he would kneel on the floor while serving he would've received perfect marks.
I tried to tell him to help por por get food. KaiMa knew of my angry eye, and said, "Suen La, he chose her to be his gf, he didn't choose me to be his mom."
Anyway, Ah Mui's husband is a real funny man. Although his voice is similar to a male-Cecilia Cheung as he drinks and smokes too much.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
NY Day 4: I know
This morning, KaiMai felt good, which was rare.
For the past few days, she has always been sleepy. The medication, the cancer, the pain, the poor appetite don't energize you like a Red Bull does. I've asked her many times if she wants me to push her outside, to a park, to get some fresh air. Every time she said no.
Today, she agreed.
As we strolled around the neighbourhood, we didn't talk much. I sensed there was something missing. She met some friends on the street, they stopped and chatted. You can tell KaiMa is a good person the way her friends treat her. We visited every grocery store because she wanted to get some "club cheese". We didn't find any. She was disappointed as if the only remaining wish in her is to find club cheese. I asked her if she craved this cheese that I've not heard of, she replied, "no, I hate cheese. But my grandson does."
Then KaiMa called Son#2 and asked of his whereabouts. (She does it constantly, calling her sons many times a day just to hear their voices.) She then asked him to drive her to buy a new fan, the tower style that's so popular these days. As we entered the store, we saw at least 10 tower fans. Son#2 immediately disappeared to check out the iPods with the Irish Boober. I asked KaiMa which fan she liked the most. She told me to grab Son#2 to choose one for her.
I waited outside. (I saw this flyer, this store is selling the Sharp Aquos 37" 1080i for $1000 US. The cheapest I've seen in Canada is $1400 Cdn at Costco. OH man, if only I could bring a TV onto a plane. And economists are saying the Cdn dollar will be on par with the US dollar by 2009!)
As I was waiting, I saw this couple on the street. They were checking out air conditioners. I saw from her eyes and she loved to be with him. I saw from his body language that he wished she was the real love. The real love that lives in his heart. The real love that is not the one holding his arm.
Then I saw myself.
No matter how hard I try, I'm not the person KaiMa needs the most. It's her sons. Her 2 precious sons who haven't spent much time and energy with her.
I know.
For the past few days, she has always been sleepy. The medication, the cancer, the pain, the poor appetite don't energize you like a Red Bull does. I've asked her many times if she wants me to push her outside, to a park, to get some fresh air. Every time she said no.
Today, she agreed.
As we strolled around the neighbourhood, we didn't talk much. I sensed there was something missing. She met some friends on the street, they stopped and chatted. You can tell KaiMa is a good person the way her friends treat her. We visited every grocery store because she wanted to get some "club cheese". We didn't find any. She was disappointed as if the only remaining wish in her is to find club cheese. I asked her if she craved this cheese that I've not heard of, she replied, "no, I hate cheese. But my grandson does."
Then KaiMa called Son#2 and asked of his whereabouts. (She does it constantly, calling her sons many times a day just to hear their voices.) She then asked him to drive her to buy a new fan, the tower style that's so popular these days. As we entered the store, we saw at least 10 tower fans. Son#2 immediately disappeared to check out the iPods with the Irish Boober. I asked KaiMa which fan she liked the most. She told me to grab Son#2 to choose one for her.
I waited outside. (I saw this flyer, this store is selling the Sharp Aquos 37" 1080i for $1000 US. The cheapest I've seen in Canada is $1400 Cdn at Costco. OH man, if only I could bring a TV onto a plane. And economists are saying the Cdn dollar will be on par with the US dollar by 2009!)
As I was waiting, I saw this couple on the street. They were checking out air conditioners. I saw from her eyes and she loved to be with him. I saw from his body language that he wished she was the real love. The real love that lives in his heart. The real love that is not the one holding his arm.
Then I saw myself.
No matter how hard I try, I'm not the person KaiMa needs the most. It's her sons. Her 2 precious sons who haven't spent much time and energy with her.
I know.
Monday, May 28, 2007
NY Day 3: 2 Become 1
Before I arrived, I thought KaiMa's family had already knew of her situation. Today, I found out that they didn't. They haven't asked the doctor many (or any) questions, and unfortunately, the doctor never told them anything important.
All they know is her cancer is at phase 4. It is terminal. It is in her lungs and spine.
When I asked them of her treatment options, they don't know. Expected outcome? Don't know. Treatment length? Don't know. Side effects? Don't know. What they know is they're trying everything. She sees this cancer doctor at the hospital, also sees this Chinese doctor at Chinatown; she takes many pills and pain killers everyday, and drinks bowls of Chinese herbs. They haven't discussed any of this to her doctor in any detailed manner.
I tried to suggest a reasonable way to approach this cancer. I even wrote down a list of questions to ask the doctors. She didn't want to hear. Por por didn't want to hear. Uncle said outright that KaiMa will be cured after the summer's over, so we don't need to waste much energy. So I asked Son#1. Son#1 either didn't understand my questions, or didn't understand why I would ask those questions, so he went his way. I can see that he's trying. But unless you ask the doctor educated and scientific questions, he will never give you a straight answer! Ah I was ready to pull my hair out.
They have been lead to many different paths. Since they're not dedicated to any, none of the treatments have had much success. I told them buying medicine from a newspaper advertisement with anonymous testimonials is not a good decision. I wanted to explain the process of scientific research, peer reviews, medical testing, etc etc. But I could see from all of their eyes that they didn't want any of this.
All they want is revert back to The Matrix.
All they want is continue with what they're doing now. Fighting everyday; yet blindfolded so they somehow do not have to see the reality, and they sort of expect she will be cured in 2 months.
This reminds me of the movie "2 Become 1". After hearing she was diagnose with breast cancer, Miriam didn't want to face it. She decided to flip the coin. "Head means I'll be cured, and Tail means I'll be cured immediately."
------
In the afternoon, Son#1 invited me to his buddy's pool party. There was no swimming (which was a good thing, cuz all the girls there were u-g-l-y.) But man, the host was rich. I think the house was about 4000 sq ft, made with complete marbles! Floor, all walls, ceiling, sink, all complete marbles. The downside: the house was a bit cold to the touch.
The host's father is a surgeon.
Another reason to go to school.
Well, if you don't have a rich dad and wish to a mansion someday.
---
I began to think about my purpose in NY.
Am I here to spend one week of family time with KaiMa?
Am I here to share with her the gospel?
Am I here to help them with my school knowledge?
What?
Tell me!
All they know is her cancer is at phase 4. It is terminal. It is in her lungs and spine.
When I asked them of her treatment options, they don't know. Expected outcome? Don't know. Treatment length? Don't know. Side effects? Don't know. What they know is they're trying everything. She sees this cancer doctor at the hospital, also sees this Chinese doctor at Chinatown; she takes many pills and pain killers everyday, and drinks bowls of Chinese herbs. They haven't discussed any of this to her doctor in any detailed manner.
I tried to suggest a reasonable way to approach this cancer. I even wrote down a list of questions to ask the doctors. She didn't want to hear. Por por didn't want to hear. Uncle said outright that KaiMa will be cured after the summer's over, so we don't need to waste much energy. So I asked Son#1. Son#1 either didn't understand my questions, or didn't understand why I would ask those questions, so he went his way. I can see that he's trying. But unless you ask the doctor educated and scientific questions, he will never give you a straight answer! Ah I was ready to pull my hair out.
They have been lead to many different paths. Since they're not dedicated to any, none of the treatments have had much success. I told them buying medicine from a newspaper advertisement with anonymous testimonials is not a good decision. I wanted to explain the process of scientific research, peer reviews, medical testing, etc etc. But I could see from all of their eyes that they didn't want any of this.
All they want is revert back to The Matrix.
All they want is continue with what they're doing now. Fighting everyday; yet blindfolded so they somehow do not have to see the reality, and they sort of expect she will be cured in 2 months.
This reminds me of the movie "2 Become 1". After hearing she was diagnose with breast cancer, Miriam didn't want to face it. She decided to flip the coin. "Head means I'll be cured, and Tail means I'll be cured immediately."
------
In the afternoon, Son#1 invited me to his buddy's pool party. There was no swimming (which was a good thing, cuz all the girls there were u-g-l-y.) But man, the host was rich. I think the house was about 4000 sq ft, made with complete marbles! Floor, all walls, ceiling, sink, all complete marbles. The downside: the house was a bit cold to the touch.
The host's father is a surgeon.
Another reason to go to school.
Well, if you don't have a rich dad and wish to a mansion someday.
---
I began to think about my purpose in NY.
Am I here to spend one week of family time with KaiMa?
Am I here to share with her the gospel?
Am I here to help them with my school knowledge?
What?
Tell me!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
NY Day 2: Friends
After shopping, we took a short nap at home, and headed to a BBQ at KaiMa's friend's place.
Her friends love her. They care. I felt it with my eyes, my ears, my heart. Today was the 1st time in my life that I've felt this way. And the love was not for me. My eyes had a little moisture.
The hosts are a young (late 30s) couple. Man was from Vietnam, Woman from HK. They treat KaiMa better than I could ever imagine. They treat her 100x better than I can. Man is called "Gong Suk", Woman "Gong So". Of course.
As stories go, they have no kids. All of Gong Suk's 3 brothers cannot have children. KaiMa and por por kept telling me how unfair the world is for the nicest couple to not be able to have kids. (Speculation is during the Vietnam war, Gong's family fell victim to Agent Orange. Ahh Americans.)
I thought of Elizabeth,
I thought of Abraham,
I thought of talking to KaiMa about God.
Her friends love her. They care. I felt it with my eyes, my ears, my heart. Today was the 1st time in my life that I've felt this way. And the love was not for me. My eyes had a little moisture.
The hosts are a young (late 30s) couple. Man was from Vietnam, Woman from HK. They treat KaiMa better than I could ever imagine. They treat her 100x better than I can. Man is called "Gong Suk", Woman "Gong So". Of course.
As stories go, they have no kids. All of Gong Suk's 3 brothers cannot have children. KaiMa and por por kept telling me how unfair the world is for the nicest couple to not be able to have kids. (Speculation is during the Vietnam war, Gong's family fell victim to Agent Orange. Ahh Americans.)
I thought of Elizabeth,
I thought of Abraham,
I thought of talking to KaiMa about God.
NY Day 2: The Matrix
Having lunch at a Cha-chaang-teng was fun. Food was cheap and delicious, and it was nice for KaiMa to spend some time away from her house. It was nice for her to be normal again.
After lunch, we went shopping. She bought some clothes for little baby, and a pair of stretchy pants for herself. And it struck me.
It wasn't then until I realized how much she has aged. She isn't 25 anymore. No matter how many times I've seen her after she has past age 25, in my mind, she has always been the young woman who took care of me when my head was inappropriately big compared to my body size. Today, pushing her semi-wheelchair, I saw a fragile woman.
A fragile woman who isn't accepting the facts. (Maybe that's a good thing?)
She asked me my impression for Son#1's wife (let's call her S1W). I gave her the obligatory white lie, "Oh she's nice." Then she cut me off as I began my uncontrollable rant. She told me S1W is a good girl, she's from a small town, and she's friendly and caring. (I wanted to interrupt but she cut me off again.) She said the reason why she often neglects her son is because couple years ago, S1W was bitten by some unknown wild animal while back in Arkansas, and now S1W is sort of ill and sometimes cannot take care of a little baby.
I was taken back by her words. As I continued pushing, I looked at the back of her head, and I saw a loving mother who is beautifying her world to make it more acceptable. I wanted to tell her what I saw. I wanted to tell her S1W said more than nth times in front of my face that she is very frustrated at the baby and doesn't want to care anymore.
I wanted to.
But what for?
KaiMa is a very good person. She's fighting. The truth is, phase 4 cancer in your lungs and spine is terminal. The truth is, she will die soon. Chemo, Chinese herbal medicine, radiation, ginseng, whatever whatever will help, but won't cure. The truth is, S1W is not a good mother. The truth is, I wanted to yell and beat up Son#2 today. But She IS fighting and living everyday. The last thing she wants to hear is my opinion.
If ignoring the truth can keep her happy,
She's very delighted to stay inside the Matrix.
After lunch, we went shopping. She bought some clothes for little baby, and a pair of stretchy pants for herself. And it struck me.
It wasn't then until I realized how much she has aged. She isn't 25 anymore. No matter how many times I've seen her after she has past age 25, in my mind, she has always been the young woman who took care of me when my head was inappropriately big compared to my body size. Today, pushing her semi-wheelchair, I saw a fragile woman.
A fragile woman who isn't accepting the facts. (Maybe that's a good thing?)
She asked me my impression for Son#1's wife (let's call her S1W). I gave her the obligatory white lie, "Oh she's nice." Then she cut me off as I began my uncontrollable rant. She told me S1W is a good girl, she's from a small town, and she's friendly and caring. (I wanted to interrupt but she cut me off again.) She said the reason why she often neglects her son is because couple years ago, S1W was bitten by some unknown wild animal while back in Arkansas, and now S1W is sort of ill and sometimes cannot take care of a little baby.
I was taken back by her words. As I continued pushing, I looked at the back of her head, and I saw a loving mother who is beautifying her world to make it more acceptable. I wanted to tell her what I saw. I wanted to tell her S1W said more than nth times in front of my face that she is very frustrated at the baby and doesn't want to care anymore.
I wanted to.
But what for?
KaiMa is a very good person. She's fighting. The truth is, phase 4 cancer in your lungs and spine is terminal. The truth is, she will die soon. Chemo, Chinese herbal medicine, radiation, ginseng, whatever whatever will help, but won't cure. The truth is, S1W is not a good mother. The truth is, I wanted to yell and beat up Son#2 today. But She IS fighting and living everyday. The last thing she wants to hear is my opinion.
If ignoring the truth can keep her happy,
She's very delighted to stay inside the Matrix.
NY Day 1: 1 cup happy, 2 tps bitter, 3 L anger
Thank you Biu Goh (aka Wayne) for giving me a ride to the airport. What friends are for. (Every time I think about this, I am very thankful that everywhere I go, I meet generous ppl.)
When I arrived at the airport, it was empty. I expected the airport at 915am on a Saturday morning to be busier than a completely empty Air Canada line-up. For 3 opened counters (NY, LA, Cancun), I was the only customer. I didn't complain.
Same thing through the customs area. Actually, the entire airport was pretty quiet all the way. I mean, all the way to JFK in NY. I mean, all the way to my Kai Ma's house. Smoother than a pretty girl's skin.
After my arrival though, things got a little bit sour.
They were waiting for me for dinner. The food wasn't great, I guess por-por wasn't in the mood of cooking. Kai-ma husband not in the mood of eating. Son #1 didn't come home (more on him later), Son #2 brought huge boobs gf (more on him now).
Son #2 and his Irish boober gave me a ride home. They stayed for dinner, she even tried the unpronounceable Chinese food. However, they left w/o talking to Kai-Ma. I later learned from por-por that the Irish boober has total control of Son #2. He rarely spends time at home, she doesn't let him. (Time for Chinese wisdom: Dumb man lets woman pull him by his nostrils.)
Son #1 hooked with an Arkansas girl 3 years back. After the hook-up, a baby was born (more about him later). Neither of them did much schooling, both aren't smart. Their lives consist of drinking, clubbing, and dumping their son at KaiMa's place whenever they feel like, which is unamazingly frequent.
Little baby is almost 3 now. Very smart kid. Very cute and lovely. He speaks Chinese very well, and he automatically switches to Eng when he sees white ppl. Even I can't do it that quickly. He's extremely active, and desperate of love. I guess if my parents constantly abandon me, I would be as insecure as he is. Simply put, he must be accompanied at all times.
After the son-abandonment episode at 1045pm, I suggested that I follow Son #1 and catch up. (Actually, the evil part of me wanted to know what happened to Son#1, and wanted to learn about his wife.) The 5 of us (me, Son#1, wife, wife's friend, Son#1's colleague) went to a bar. The four of them aren't talkative, just standing there in the middle of the bar. Aimless drinking, mindless conversations. After 3 hours, we left and went to a diner. Again, stupid dialogues went on and on. I'm pretty good with conversing with strangers, but tonite, I didn't have much to say. At 3am, I arrived home. All thru the 5 hours, I kept saying to myself, "so you chose this over your son? The son who cries real tears every time you close the door on him? You chose this over your son?!?!" Oh his wife is pretty hot, pretty good looking, very foul mouth, pretty dumb, and doesn't smoke.
Needless to say, I was pretty angry. Angry at Son#2, angry at Son#1, angry at my KaiMa for spoiling them, angry at myself being so helpless.
My KaiMa's condition is better than I expected. (In my mind, I thought I would be seeing a dried human body who can barely talk.) She can walk, actually, limp. She can talk. She can think. She can eat (soft food). She is optimistic. She is fighting. She is very happy to see me. On the flip side, she's in constant pain. She can't move her left leg much. The cancer has spread to her lungs and spine. The cancer is stage 4, serious stuff.
I just convinced (or beg) her to leave the house with me. (Her family never takes her out except to the hospital.) I also asked KaiMa husband (expert mechanic) to modify her walker-seater for her so she can sit comfortably when outdoors. In 10 minutes, we'll be heading to a Cha-Chaan-Teng. "We" means (me, KaiMa, KaiMa husband, and por-por. Irish boober directed Son#2 to Bronx, and Son#1 is touring Manhattan with wife and her friend.)
I feel a very bitter happiness.
When I arrived at the airport, it was empty. I expected the airport at 915am on a Saturday morning to be busier than a completely empty Air Canada line-up. For 3 opened counters (NY, LA, Cancun), I was the only customer. I didn't complain.
Same thing through the customs area. Actually, the entire airport was pretty quiet all the way. I mean, all the way to JFK in NY. I mean, all the way to my Kai Ma's house. Smoother than a pretty girl's skin.
After my arrival though, things got a little bit sour.
They were waiting for me for dinner. The food wasn't great, I guess por-por wasn't in the mood of cooking. Kai-ma husband not in the mood of eating. Son #1 didn't come home (more on him later), Son #2 brought huge boobs gf (more on him now).
Son #2 and his Irish boober gave me a ride home. They stayed for dinner, she even tried the unpronounceable Chinese food. However, they left w/o talking to Kai-Ma. I later learned from por-por that the Irish boober has total control of Son #2. He rarely spends time at home, she doesn't let him. (Time for Chinese wisdom: Dumb man lets woman pull him by his nostrils.)
Son #1 hooked with an Arkansas girl 3 years back. After the hook-up, a baby was born (more about him later). Neither of them did much schooling, both aren't smart. Their lives consist of drinking, clubbing, and dumping their son at KaiMa's place whenever they feel like, which is unamazingly frequent.
Little baby is almost 3 now. Very smart kid. Very cute and lovely. He speaks Chinese very well, and he automatically switches to Eng when he sees white ppl. Even I can't do it that quickly. He's extremely active, and desperate of love. I guess if my parents constantly abandon me, I would be as insecure as he is. Simply put, he must be accompanied at all times.
After the son-abandonment episode at 1045pm, I suggested that I follow Son #1 and catch up. (Actually, the evil part of me wanted to know what happened to Son#1, and wanted to learn about his wife.) The 5 of us (me, Son#1, wife, wife's friend, Son#1's colleague) went to a bar. The four of them aren't talkative, just standing there in the middle of the bar. Aimless drinking, mindless conversations. After 3 hours, we left and went to a diner. Again, stupid dialogues went on and on. I'm pretty good with conversing with strangers, but tonite, I didn't have much to say. At 3am, I arrived home. All thru the 5 hours, I kept saying to myself, "so you chose this over your son? The son who cries real tears every time you close the door on him? You chose this over your son?!?!" Oh his wife is pretty hot, pretty good looking, very foul mouth, pretty dumb, and doesn't smoke.
Needless to say, I was pretty angry. Angry at Son#2, angry at Son#1, angry at my KaiMa for spoiling them, angry at myself being so helpless.
My KaiMa's condition is better than I expected. (In my mind, I thought I would be seeing a dried human body who can barely talk.) She can walk, actually, limp. She can talk. She can think. She can eat (soft food). She is optimistic. She is fighting. She is very happy to see me. On the flip side, she's in constant pain. She can't move her left leg much. The cancer has spread to her lungs and spine. The cancer is stage 4, serious stuff.
I just convinced (or beg) her to leave the house with me. (Her family never takes her out except to the hospital.) I also asked KaiMa husband (expert mechanic) to modify her walker-seater for her so she can sit comfortably when outdoors. In 10 minutes, we'll be heading to a Cha-Chaan-Teng. "We" means (me, KaiMa, KaiMa husband, and por-por. Irish boober directed Son#2 to Bronx, and Son#1 is touring Manhattan with wife and her friend.)
I feel a very bitter happiness.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Let's not talk about it
Dad passes the phone immediately to my mom.
Mom ends the phone calls very quickly, right before the topic comes up.
Uncle Chiu keeps saying "It's OK it's OK it's OK" when she's not OK.
I've read many books about Death.
I've watched movies about Death.
I've had friends pass away.
I'm not scared of Death.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Death is romantic. Funerals, b&w pictures, tears, hugs, flowers, stories.
Dying is unbearable. Medicine, pain, time, tremors, money, foul smell, weak.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
(I think mom&dad won't fly to NY as planned.)
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Mom ends the phone calls very quickly, right before the topic comes up.
Uncle Chiu keeps saying "It's OK it's OK it's OK" when she's not OK.
I've read many books about Death.
I've watched movies about Death.
I've had friends pass away.
I'm not scared of Death.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Death is romantic. Funerals, b&w pictures, tears, hugs, flowers, stories.
Dying is unbearable. Medicine, pain, time, tremors, money, foul smell, weak.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
(I think mom&dad won't fly to NY as planned.)
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Interview with an incompetent HR clerk
Yesterday was interview day. 2 supervisors, and 1 incompetent HR clerk.
My mind wasn't in the whole competition. I didn't even sign up. Not all that interested in a promotion these days.
I think I did a pretty good job during the 40minute bs session. Well, now that it's over, I'm not one bit happier or looser than yesterday.
What happened yesterday (the interview), or tomorrow (whatever it might be), gets overshadowed by the inevitable. The cloud above, the flipping calendar, the countdown.
Time snails by very slowly when days are dry, I wonder if it can crawl any slower than this; yet
time flies by very quickly when it's "boarding the plane day", I wish I can stop it right now and never have to go to NY and I can watch Spiderman 123 once more.
Oh, going back to the incompetent HR clerk, she was just there to stare and blink. (Maybe I should type this in Chinese instead.)
My mind wasn't in the whole competition. I didn't even sign up. Not all that interested in a promotion these days.
I think I did a pretty good job during the 40minute bs session. Well, now that it's over, I'm not one bit happier or looser than yesterday.
What happened yesterday (the interview), or tomorrow (whatever it might be), gets overshadowed by the inevitable. The cloud above, the flipping calendar, the countdown.
Time snails by very slowly when days are dry, I wonder if it can crawl any slower than this; yet
time flies by very quickly when it's "boarding the plane day", I wish I can stop it right now and never have to go to NY and I can watch Spiderman 123 once more.
Oh, going back to the incompetent HR clerk, she was just there to stare and blink. (Maybe I should type this in Chinese instead.)
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Workaholic Overtimilitis
Avoiding, I've been avoiding.
Avoiding time spent alone,
avoiding questions,
avoiding the feeling,
avoiding God,
avoiding facing.
This past week, I've been doing unreasonable amounts of overtime. I stayed till 5, then 6, today I left work at 7. I would've stayed longer if not for the scheduled system shutdown.
There're lots of work to do, my excuse. My team already knows I'll be away next week, they will cover for me. I just wanted work to numb my mind, I guess.
Leaving the office, my mind is so exhausted;
After dinner at home, I'm spent.
No energy to think,
to talk,
to feel.
For the first time in my life, I'm not happy.
Avoiding time spent alone,
avoiding questions,
avoiding the feeling,
avoiding God,
avoiding facing.
This past week, I've been doing unreasonable amounts of overtime. I stayed till 5, then 6, today I left work at 7. I would've stayed longer if not for the scheduled system shutdown.
There're lots of work to do, my excuse. My team already knows I'll be away next week, they will cover for me. I just wanted work to numb my mind, I guess.
Leaving the office, my mind is so exhausted;
After dinner at home, I'm spent.
No energy to think,
to talk,
to feel.
For the first time in my life, I'm not happy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Am I doing myself service?
I know I'm worried.
But still, I have work to do, I have a car to drive, I have duties to fulfill. I can't just sit and surround myself with an aura of sadness!
But it's weary. It's wearing me down.
I lose focus at work. Seem disinterested. Just dragging along.
But still, I have work to do, I have a car to drive, I have duties to fulfill. I can't just sit and surround myself with an aura of sadness!
But it's weary. It's wearing me down.
I lose focus at work. Seem disinterested. Just dragging along.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Who says you're not going on a shopping trip?
I know my co-workers aren't my friends. (Well, except for Edith, who is very nice to me.)
Maybe it's the nature of the job, or maybe it's just human nature, I find our colleagues are very speculative of each other. When somebody calls in sick, we immediately associate the sickness as a pretentious one, that the person merely wanted a long weekend. When somebody comes in late, it's because he's lazy. When somebody is allergic to bananas or perfume, it's because she's lying to catch attention.
As I shared the horrible news with my teammates and my sup, some "are you ok"s came my way. Today, the attitude morphed into, "so you're getting a week of? so you're flying to NY? how do I know you didn't make the whole story up and this NY thing is just a shopping spree?"
I know my co-workers aren't my friends. I wasn't hurt by their lack of sympathy; rather by our own states of mind that everybody is only out to get his benefits, and nobody is trustworthy.
Maybe it's the nature of the job, or maybe it's just human nature, I find our colleagues are very speculative of each other. When somebody calls in sick, we immediately associate the sickness as a pretentious one, that the person merely wanted a long weekend. When somebody comes in late, it's because he's lazy. When somebody is allergic to bananas or perfume, it's because she's lying to catch attention.
As I shared the horrible news with my teammates and my sup, some "are you ok"s came my way. Today, the attitude morphed into, "so you're getting a week of? so you're flying to NY? how do I know you didn't make the whole story up and this NY thing is just a shopping spree?"
I know my co-workers aren't my friends. I wasn't hurt by their lack of sympathy; rather by our own states of mind that everybody is only out to get his benefits, and nobody is trustworthy.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Horror
I never answer my cell phone at work. Today I did. And it brought me horrible news.
My godmother, my dear Kai-Ma, who lives in NY, called me, and calmly told me she was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Emergency surgery was performed in March. A recent follow-up confirmed the cancer has indeed spread to the lungs and bone marrow.
---
I didn't know what to do or how to react.
I took a long walk along the river. My mind was running blank. At the end of the walk, I entered a salon to have a haircut; later, I had McD for lunch.
I finished the working day. Looking at the monitor, looking at my cell phone, 6 hours after I first heard the news, I wanted to believe that it was a dream. A day-dream. That everything was made up, and everything is now fine and dandy.
I tried to act normal at work, during dinner, during fellowship. Not that I was faking it. I just didn't know what to do. Never have I experienced this. My heart asked, "should I be in sorrow? Or should I be optimistic? should I joke around? or should I weep?"
---
I'm planning to fly to NY soon.
In the meantime, until I have confirmation of a pessimistic outcome, I have decided to live a normal life. Continue to work, to watch to NBA, to play ball, and to feel the sadness that looms.
My godmother, my dear Kai-Ma, who lives in NY, called me, and calmly told me she was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Emergency surgery was performed in March. A recent follow-up confirmed the cancer has indeed spread to the lungs and bone marrow.
---
I didn't know what to do or how to react.
I took a long walk along the river. My mind was running blank. At the end of the walk, I entered a salon to have a haircut; later, I had McD for lunch.
I finished the working day. Looking at the monitor, looking at my cell phone, 6 hours after I first heard the news, I wanted to believe that it was a dream. A day-dream. That everything was made up, and everything is now fine and dandy.
I tried to act normal at work, during dinner, during fellowship. Not that I was faking it. I just didn't know what to do. Never have I experienced this. My heart asked, "should I be in sorrow? Or should I be optimistic? should I joke around? or should I weep?"
---
I'm planning to fly to NY soon.
In the meantime, until I have confirmation of a pessimistic outcome, I have decided to live a normal life. Continue to work, to watch to NBA, to play ball, and to feel the sadness that looms.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Later and later, lately
When I first started my job, summer of 2006, I woke at 615am and arrived at work at around quarter to eight.
Fast forward to Christmas month, and my regular arrival time became 815am.
Just this past week, living in my new home, my current arrival time is around quarter to nine.
---
I even brought up the idea of "flexible work hours" with my boss during our mid-year performance review session.
he took the offer, shot a joke back at me, and we parted ways.
he didn't promise me anything; he also didn't ban me from doing so.
We both came out satisfied.
Fast forward to Christmas month, and my regular arrival time became 815am.
Just this past week, living in my new home, my current arrival time is around quarter to nine.
---
I even brought up the idea of "flexible work hours" with my boss during our mid-year performance review session.
he took the offer, shot a joke back at me, and we parted ways.
he didn't promise me anything; he also didn't ban me from doing so.
We both came out satisfied.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
One year anniversaire
If me not mistaken, today is the one year anniversary of my new life in C-town.
I'm not a "what-if" person, but on this issue, I often ask myself.
I ask what if, in 2005, I chose to work for the ergonomic research firm in U of Michigan instead of the Health & Safety job in Toronto. Would I have settled in the States instead (and earn almost double salary)? Well no idea. But I definitely would not have made friends with all my TO buddies, reunited with Jai + Ling + Stephy, or gotten the Calgary job I have now.
Then, upon my graduation in 2005, what if, I accepted the Masters degree offer in HK? Would I have stayed and finished it? Well maybe. In my 2 months vacation, I felt a strong connection with my birthplace, I felt a desire to live with (or close to) my parents. I missed them, I missed my childhood friends. But then, I've never entertained the thought of working in HK.
After I returned to Vancouver in Feb 2006, what if, I caved in to the pressure of finding a job fast, and not stuck to my goal of landing a job in my field? Would I now be working for eBay, PayPal, or HSBC as a bank teller (and make enough to only feed myself once a day)? Very likely. I was so soo sooo close to giving up, albeit it was only after 1 month of job search. But I didn't, because somewhere deep inside, I felt I was destined for something else (or just that I was arrogant as usual).
Then after Calgary made me this nice offer to move to C-town, what if, I didn't accept it? I worked in C-town once before. I liked my friends; but not the city, not the atmosphere, not the environment. If I didn't take that job, I definitely would not be in my new home blogging right now. If I didn't take that job, I would not have left my city and my closies behind. It's tough. But then, if I had stayed, and not found a good job, would I deem myself a failure? Or just like every other ordinary body that's paying $1.30 per litre gas in beautiful Vancouver? Maybe. Or I might just move back to HK then.
Now that I'm here, I ask, when will I study for my M Deg? Will I ever move back to V-City? Or HK? Or be in the same city as my parents?
Or own a Porsche? M3? How about my Audi RS4 wagon? And my gigantic house?
Hmm.
I'm not a "what-if" person, but on this issue, I often ask myself.
I ask what if, in 2005, I chose to work for the ergonomic research firm in U of Michigan instead of the Health & Safety job in Toronto. Would I have settled in the States instead (and earn almost double salary)? Well no idea. But I definitely would not have made friends with all my TO buddies, reunited with Jai + Ling + Stephy, or gotten the Calgary job I have now.
Then, upon my graduation in 2005, what if, I accepted the Masters degree offer in HK? Would I have stayed and finished it? Well maybe. In my 2 months vacation, I felt a strong connection with my birthplace, I felt a desire to live with (or close to) my parents. I missed them, I missed my childhood friends. But then, I've never entertained the thought of working in HK.
After I returned to Vancouver in Feb 2006, what if, I caved in to the pressure of finding a job fast, and not stuck to my goal of landing a job in my field? Would I now be working for eBay, PayPal, or HSBC as a bank teller (and make enough to only feed myself once a day)? Very likely. I was so soo sooo close to giving up, albeit it was only after 1 month of job search. But I didn't, because somewhere deep inside, I felt I was destined for something else (or just that I was arrogant as usual).
Then after Calgary made me this nice offer to move to C-town, what if, I didn't accept it? I worked in C-town once before. I liked my friends; but not the city, not the atmosphere, not the environment. If I didn't take that job, I definitely would not be in my new home blogging right now. If I didn't take that job, I would not have left my city and my closies behind. It's tough. But then, if I had stayed, and not found a good job, would I deem myself a failure? Or just like every other ordinary body that's paying $1.30 per litre gas in beautiful Vancouver? Maybe. Or I might just move back to HK then.
Now that I'm here, I ask, when will I study for my M Deg? Will I ever move back to V-City? Or HK? Or be in the same city as my parents?
Or own a Porsche? M3? How about my Audi RS4 wagon? And my gigantic house?
Hmm.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
What happened after the rant?
Today was our performance-interview-white rat day.
We sang well, we played well, we did well.
My guitar rhythm didn't match with Yee's piano. We played very nicely individually, but our products didn't mesh. I guess we needed a pair of expert ears during our practice. The church's sound system simply wasn't good enough for us to hear all instruments while we were playing. The sad thing is, the audience could.
Anyway, now that the interview (not that it was an interview, since there was no way we wouldn't be in) was over, I learned a lot more about this church's sound system, and how to play with a strong piano player, especially for fast-paced songs. This is the one thing I found most satisfying.
We sang well, we played well, we did well.
My guitar rhythm didn't match with Yee's piano. We played very nicely individually, but our products didn't mesh. I guess we needed a pair of expert ears during our practice. The church's sound system simply wasn't good enough for us to hear all instruments while we were playing. The sad thing is, the audience could.
Anyway, now that the interview (not that it was an interview, since there was no way we wouldn't be in) was over, I learned a lot more about this church's sound system, and how to play with a strong piano player, especially for fast-paced songs. This is the one thing I found most satisfying.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
March 13 Rantness: Unacceptable
1) I asked N to grab me my pair of gloves. 2 pairs were sitting happily on my desk. When she appeard, she brought back one of each pair. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Oh, I couldn't find the correct pair, so here you go, hehe."
2) I asked E if I could borrow some music books, since I need to lead a singspiration very soon. She said, "Yeah, I'll find you when I'm done with this." (She was working on something.) After 30min, she didn't find me. So I went to find her. She has already went to bed and fell asleep.
3) As for the upcoming singspiration, I am partnered with another E. E2 informed me about this arrangement last Thur. Since this week I have night class on Tues and Wed (final exam), I scheduled myself to find the songs on Wed night, that would give me enough time to study and prepare the songs. After work today, E2 called me, and urgently said I must give her the songs tonite, because she'll need to pass the songs to somebody else by Wed afternoon.
So basically, she had the entire week to tell me, but somehow told me by the last second?
I hope she didn't find out about the deadline any earlier that I did, because the E2 i know isn't such irresponsible.
I told her my class ends at 9pm, I'll get home at around 930pm, finish dinner at 10pm, and I'll find my song and call her before 11pm. When I called, I was directed to voice mail. Great.
4) Work is hectic as usual. I can't say I have "too much work". But my team does have about double the workload of the next team. We all earn the same dough, we all get judged by the same standards; unfortunately my team is not getting any relief. What I'm seeing is, ppl from other teams get promoted because they produce high quality of work; while veterans on my team get stuck because they're bombarded with work.
5) Freak accident today while driving. Now my car atenna cannot retract. Great.
6) The Canucks got "gum-ed" by the Wild. Starting the 3rd period, when they played "not to lose" and stopped attacking, I knew the game was over.
7) It started to snow suddenly yesterday. It continued all throughout the night. Whenever there's snow on the road, no matter the situation, the traffic moves to a crawl. Primary reason is a few drivers are too scared to drive faster than 30km/hr. They should be ticketted too.
My belief is, if you can't drive at a normal speed, get off the road! Take the bus!
---
I know I like N, E, and E2. They're all very nice, and very nice to me.
I also like my job, driving, and the Canucks.
I am just ticked that sometimes they behave that way. That's all.
---
Another one of my beliefs: to know the person, it's best to see him/her play sports, or gamble with money, or do small chores.
---
A lot of ppl commented the reason Tiger Wood and MJ are so successful is they never speak their minds. You never know whether Tiger was happy or angry, whether he supports the war or child labour, whether he likes sushi or steak. Never.
I'm getting less popular by the second.
2) I asked E if I could borrow some music books, since I need to lead a singspiration very soon. She said, "Yeah, I'll find you when I'm done with this." (She was working on something.) After 30min, she didn't find me. So I went to find her. She has already went to bed and fell asleep.
3) As for the upcoming singspiration, I am partnered with another E. E2 informed me about this arrangement last Thur. Since this week I have night class on Tues and Wed (final exam), I scheduled myself to find the songs on Wed night, that would give me enough time to study and prepare the songs. After work today, E2 called me, and urgently said I must give her the songs tonite, because she'll need to pass the songs to somebody else by Wed afternoon.
So basically, she had the entire week to tell me, but somehow told me by the last second?
I hope she didn't find out about the deadline any earlier that I did, because the E2 i know isn't such irresponsible.
I told her my class ends at 9pm, I'll get home at around 930pm, finish dinner at 10pm, and I'll find my song and call her before 11pm. When I called, I was directed to voice mail. Great.
4) Work is hectic as usual. I can't say I have "too much work". But my team does have about double the workload of the next team. We all earn the same dough, we all get judged by the same standards; unfortunately my team is not getting any relief. What I'm seeing is, ppl from other teams get promoted because they produce high quality of work; while veterans on my team get stuck because they're bombarded with work.
5) Freak accident today while driving. Now my car atenna cannot retract. Great.
6) The Canucks got "gum-ed" by the Wild. Starting the 3rd period, when they played "not to lose" and stopped attacking, I knew the game was over.
7) It started to snow suddenly yesterday. It continued all throughout the night. Whenever there's snow on the road, no matter the situation, the traffic moves to a crawl. Primary reason is a few drivers are too scared to drive faster than 30km/hr. They should be ticketted too.
My belief is, if you can't drive at a normal speed, get off the road! Take the bus!
---
I know I like N, E, and E2. They're all very nice, and very nice to me.
I also like my job, driving, and the Canucks.
I am just ticked that sometimes they behave that way. That's all.
---
Another one of my beliefs: to know the person, it's best to see him/her play sports, or gamble with money, or do small chores.
---
A lot of ppl commented the reason Tiger Wood and MJ are so successful is they never speak their minds. You never know whether Tiger was happy or angry, whether he supports the war or child labour, whether he likes sushi or steak. Never.
I'm getting less popular by the second.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
呂方躲在溫哥華
剛剛讀到明報訪問呂方。
http://ol.mingpao.com/cfm/star10.cfm?File=20070128/sac01/mao1.txt
話說香港容不下有實力但冇外型的呂方，所以他回到中國登台賺錢買大屋。
但經我細心觀察，其實呂方已於數年前移民溫哥華，加入中文電台，改了藝名：凱倫。
http://www.am1470.com/dj_detail.php?id=59
難怪每次聽凱倫的節目，總覺得 ung-耳，原來是呂方扮女主持人。
Sunday, February 04, 2007
藍亦邦到方大同
在 Youtube 看了整個 903 頒獎禮。除了驚嘆為什麼人人都在 "Thank God" 和 "感謝天父"，最正的是四個新唱作人的表演。對了！香港樂壇是須要實力的人！
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8q5CCkYun0
看完後，第一個感覺是立刻為藍亦邦可惜。他也犀利、有才華呀、有意思！但他就是早了兩年呀！
第二感覺是問為什麼張先生要無端端跳舞？V-朱 說他在扮 J-T。。。
第三感覺是方大同"愛愛愛"中的那句：『你哭起來，我笑起來，都為了 愛愛愛。』原來跟藍亦邦"斷尾"中的那句：『誰人讓我悲，誰人讓我喜，誰人讓我。。。』是一模一樣的。（我想了很久，但想不起那首歌。到後來也是由 V-朱 確定。）希望這是雷同，不是雷頌。
另一事件是方大同"春風吹 Remix"的女聲 intro，越聽越似古巨基數年前唱過的那首"樓下有人"。
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8q5CCkYun0
看完後，第一個感覺是立刻為藍亦邦可惜。他也犀利、有才華呀、有意思！但他就是早了兩年呀！
第二感覺是問為什麼張先生要無端端跳舞？V-朱 說他在扮 J-T。。。
第三感覺是方大同"愛愛愛"中的那句：『你哭起來，我笑起來，都為了 愛愛愛。』原來跟藍亦邦"斷尾"中的那句：『誰人讓我悲，誰人讓我喜，誰人讓我。。。』是一模一樣的。（我想了很久，但想不起那首歌。到後來也是由 V-朱 確定。）希望這是雷同，不是雷頌。
另一事件是方大同"春風吹 Remix"的女聲 intro，越聽越似古巨基數年前唱過的那首"樓下有人"。
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
愛情陷阱到龍虎豹
呀倫的愛情陷阱被選為金曲中的金曲，實至名歸。
而我心中，有個 version 是這樣的。
我正在入元朗
你卻在大排檔
始終不收檔。。。
-------
我第一隻的 cassette 帶，就是愛的根源。到今天，我仍會懂得怎唱每一首歌。
我要過了很多年，才知道寫美麗動人歌詞的林敏聰，和在電視跟曾志曳搞笑的林敏聰，是同一個人。
-------
我第一次有本鹹書在手，大慨是一年班。那本龍虎豹在姨丈床頭。我跟表姐一齊看、一齊笑。回家後，還興高彩烈的對爸媽分享我的歡樂！因為那些女孩身上有很多彩色的星星！
龍虎豹
好睇 好睇
但係又好鬼貴
顏色美麗
圖畫美麗
立體公仔
龍虎豹
好睇 好睇
但係又好鬼貴
顏色美麗
圖畫美麗
坐在廁所中
慢慢睇
--------
Happy Times。
而我心中，有個 version 是這樣的。
我正在入元朗
你卻在大排檔
始終不收檔。。。
-------
我第一隻的 cassette 帶，就是愛的根源。到今天，我仍會懂得怎唱每一首歌。
我要過了很多年，才知道寫美麗動人歌詞的林敏聰，和在電視跟曾志曳搞笑的林敏聰，是同一個人。
-------
我第一次有本鹹書在手，大慨是一年班。那本龍虎豹在姨丈床頭。我跟表姐一齊看、一齊笑。回家後，還興高彩烈的對爸媽分享我的歡樂！因為那些女孩身上有很多彩色的星星！
龍虎豹
好睇 好睇
但係又好鬼貴
顏色美麗
圖畫美麗
立體公仔
龍虎豹
好睇 好睇
但係又好鬼貴
顏色美麗
圖畫美麗
坐在廁所中
慢慢睇
--------
Happy Times。
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
屬於
幾年前，有一天，突然爸爸對我說：『現在的人真無知。』（他每每有時候都會在未有解釋前拋出一些結論。）
事源他聽到電台的主持介紹『歡樂今宵』這首歌時，說到『古巨基的歡樂今宵』。爸爸感到，這個世界每一首歌都是屬於作者的。除非歡樂今宵是古巨基作曲 + 作詞，否則他只是演譯者。
當 London Symphony Orchestra 演出 Beethoven Symphony No.4，不論演出多漂亮，這首歌仍是貝先生的。無人會說成 London Symphony Orchestra Symphony No. 4。
又當我背出故人西辭黃鶴樓...時，這首『送孟浩然之廣陵』仍是李白的。
這個就是屬於。
所有被做出來的東西都是屬於作者的。
事源他聽到電台的主持介紹『歡樂今宵』這首歌時，說到『古巨基的歡樂今宵』。爸爸感到，這個世界每一首歌都是屬於作者的。除非歡樂今宵是古巨基作曲 + 作詞，否則他只是演譯者。
當 London Symphony Orchestra 演出 Beethoven Symphony No.4，不論演出多漂亮，這首歌仍是貝先生的。無人會說成 London Symphony Orchestra Symphony No. 4。
又當我背出故人西辭黃鶴樓...時，這首『送孟浩然之廣陵』仍是李白的。
這個就是屬於。
所有被做出來的東西都是屬於作者的。
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
衰人
我這個衰人，利用了 The Bay 的 price error，只花 $299.99 便得到了喜歡很久的 Canon S3 IS。
在加拿大做生意實在不容易，因為有太多像我的衰人：會 refund，會 price match，會捉緊 price error。
但想想，它們定的價錢其實已把對待衰人的 cost 計算在內。
Price of one camera = Cost of camera + salary + rent + advertising + refund/price error + profit。
所以，其實我不是衰人。
--
他這個衰人，利用了 Calgary 屋價不斷上昇的現況，假扮把屋出讓。等到有 multiple offers 的時候，突然反口說不賣，說等到價再高一點才賣。
我可以想到很多理性的理由去証明他無錯、他亦不是衰人，但因為我是受害者，所以做不到。
在加拿大做生意實在不容易，因為有太多像我的衰人：會 refund，會 price match，會捉緊 price error。
但想想，它們定的價錢其實已把對待衰人的 cost 計算在內。
Price of one camera = Cost of camera + salary + rent + advertising + refund/price error + profit。
所以，其實我不是衰人。
--
他這個衰人，利用了 Calgary 屋價不斷上昇的現況，假扮把屋出讓。等到有 multiple offers 的時候，突然反口說不賣，說等到價再高一點才賣。
我可以想到很多理性的理由去証明他無錯、他亦不是衰人，但因為我是受害者，所以做不到。
Saturday, January 13, 2007
其實，沒有永遠
就如林夕在『夕陽無限好』裡寫到：
這個剎那宇宙
拒絕永久
宇宙如事，世界如事，球星如事。
每次買球衣前，都要用幾年時間去『跟』這個球員和這支球隊，要接受他和它的一切，再估計他會否繼續留在球會。
因為沒有什麼比穿上轉了會的球星的球衣更尷尬。
以為
Iverson 會永遠是個 76er；（已轉了會）
Garnett 會永遠是隻 Timberwolve；（應該會被 trade 走）
Kidd 會永遠是條 Net； （離婚後可能會轉會）
Jordan 會永遠是頭 Bull。
怎知。
其實，早知，沒有永遠。
(你叫我點算？）
這個剎那宇宙
拒絕永久
宇宙如事，世界如事，球星如事。
每次買球衣前，都要用幾年時間去『跟』這個球員和這支球隊，要接受他和它的一切，再估計他會否繼續留在球會。
因為沒有什麼比穿上轉了會的球星的球衣更尷尬。
以為
Iverson 會永遠是個 76er；（已轉了會）
Garnett 會永遠是隻 Timberwolve；（應該會被 trade 走）
Kidd 會永遠是條 Net； （離婚後可能會轉會）
Jordan 會永遠是頭 Bull。
怎知。
其實，早知，沒有永遠。
(你叫我點算？）
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
失掉智慧 VII
這套戲今天到了最後一集，大結局。
我吃到最美味的燒鴨（雖然味度有少少鴨、少少燒肉、少少叉燒）；
我吃到最美味的辛辣麵；
我吃到蒸蛋、Timbits。
我仍吃不到硬的（granola bar），脆的（薯片），軟的（冬菇），和癡牙的（糖）。
但由今天開始，我不再肚餓了！
---
我決心不要忘記肚餓的感覺。
震憾。
我吃到最美味的燒鴨（雖然味度有少少鴨、少少燒肉、少少叉燒）；
我吃到最美味的辛辣麵；
我吃到蒸蛋、Timbits。
我仍吃不到硬的（granola bar），脆的（薯片），軟的（冬菇），和癡牙的（糖）。
但由今天開始，我不再肚餓了！
---
我決心不要忘記肚餓的感覺。
震憾。
Monday, January 08, 2007
Daily Engrish
一向大家都會拿日本人的 Engrish 來作笑話。只要 Google 一下，會提供不少笑話。
華人就沒太多 Engrish 事件。（也不是 Chingrish，因為這是文化問題，跟文族發音無關。）眼見最嚴重的發音問題，是 Free-Sree。
廣東人（香港人）會光明正大的打出 wif (I went there wif Mary.)，講出 free (Can you give me free burgers?)。
國語人就會講 wis 和 sree。
印度人就講 wit 和 tree。
其實我都花了幾年才能明白 f = ph，但 th 就兩個都不是。
（金0既金。）
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/photo?slug=xkan10101071116c.correction_japan
_baseball_matsuzaka_xkan101&prov=ap
華人就沒太多 Engrish 事件。（也不是 Chingrish，因為這是文化問題，跟文族發音無關。）眼見最嚴重的發音問題，是 Free-Sree。
廣東人（香港人）會光明正大的打出 wif (I went there wif Mary.)，講出 free (Can you give me free burgers?)。
國語人就會講 wis 和 sree。
印度人就講 wit 和 tree。
其實我都花了幾年才能明白 f = ph，但 th 就兩個都不是。
（金0既金。）
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/photo?slug=xkan10101071116c.correction_japan
_baseball_matsuzaka_xkan101&prov=ap
失掉智慧 IV
My senses are coming back to me now. I can use my tongue to mush food against the top of my hard palate. Means now I can "eat" soft carrots, yams, tofu, and ice-cream.
Since I'm getting more sensible and I got tons of time on my side, I've done lots of thinking.
1) 原來吞口水是這麼困難的。
2) 原來肚餓的感覺是這樣辛苦的。
3) 原來電視廣告是充滿美食的。
4) 原來人是會在捱餓時夢見 McD 薯條的。
5) 我屋主實在對我太好了。
---
Out of everything, it's hunger that strikes me the most.
Is it a coincidence that prior to my oral surgery I've finished Angela's Ashes and The Pianist?
I never paid hunger/famine any thoughts. "OK you were hungry, but you didn't die, right? OK you're hungry, but I can't do anything. OK you're hungry, like millions of others, I can't save everybody."
But now, I'm suffering. I can feel it. Every second my body tells me I need to eat. I need proteins, vegetables, carbs, I need to survive. I can smell real food. I can't eat any. My stomach growls loud. At this moment, I would give anything to have a full meal.
What does this experience mean to me? Why now?
What should I do next?
(Who asked you to remind me? Smart ass.)
Since I'm getting more sensible and I got tons of time on my side, I've done lots of thinking.
1) 原來吞口水是這麼困難的。
2) 原來肚餓的感覺是這樣辛苦的。
3) 原來電視廣告是充滿美食的。
4) 原來人是會在捱餓時夢見 McD 薯條的。
5) 我屋主實在對我太好了。
---
Out of everything, it's hunger that strikes me the most.
Is it a coincidence that prior to my oral surgery I've finished Angela's Ashes and The Pianist?
I never paid hunger/famine any thoughts. "OK you were hungry, but you didn't die, right? OK you're hungry, but I can't do anything. OK you're hungry, like millions of others, I can't save everybody."
But now, I'm suffering. I can feel it. Every second my body tells me I need to eat. I need proteins, vegetables, carbs, I need to survive. I can smell real food. I can't eat any. My stomach growls loud. At this moment, I would give anything to have a full meal.
What does this experience mean to me? Why now?
What should I do next?
(Who asked you to remind me? Smart ass.)
Saturday, January 06, 2007
失掉智慧 III
Today is Day III.
As I'm getting hungrier by the hour, I'm also getting more agitated by the minute.
Since I can only drink liquids and drink (not eat) 粥, I feel very hungry.
Since I am hungry, my brain doesn't work well.
Since my brain doesn't function, there's nothing I can do.
Since I can't do anything, I feel bored and stupid.
99% of my body is well, but I can't do anything.
All day, I sit around staring at the TV, or watch DVDs, or sleep.
ARGH!
As I'm getting hungrier by the hour, I'm also getting more agitated by the minute.
Since I can only drink liquids and drink (not eat) 粥, I feel very hungry.
Since I am hungry, my brain doesn't work well.
Since my brain doesn't function, there's nothing I can do.
Since I can't do anything, I feel bored and stupid.
99% of my body is well, but I can't do anything.
All day, I sit around staring at the TV, or watch DVDs, or sleep.
ARGH!
Friday, January 05, 2007
失掉智慧 II
Today is Day II.
I followed the doctor's orders, the nurses' advice, my co-workers' suggestions, everything. And they all worked!
No (or very very minor) swelling on my face,
very little pain,
the bleeding stopped very quickly,
I'm happy.
(Jan 04, 2007. 12:33pm)
I followed the doctor's orders, the nurses' advice, my co-workers' suggestions, everything. And they all worked!
No (or very very minor) swelling on my face,
very little pain,
the bleeding stopped very quickly,
I'm happy.
(Jan 04, 2007. 12:33pm)
Thursday, January 04, 2007
失掉智慧
Have always bragged about the fact of the existence of my full set of wisdom teeth.
Brag no more.
My dentist determined my lower one was causing an infection, and all four teeth are pushing forward, thus pushing my front teeth outward. Unnoticeable now, but in 20 years I'll be an old 西瓜刨.
So, all four teeth are shattered and taken out today.
1st: Tylenol 3
2nd: 8-10 small, localized anesthetic shots
3rd: A lot of drilling, cutting, pulling, and more drilling
4th: On the way home, entire face from the eyes down was numb. Non-stop 流口水. Of course, there was lots of blood seeping through.
5th: Can't move mouth = can't swallow saliva, can't drink, can't talk, stupid.
Today is only the first day; the worst has yet to come.
I thank God for the smooth procedure, the non-existent swelling, the very minor pain issue, my landlady who prepared tasty 粥 specially for me, Elaine for driving me around, just everything.
---
Looking back, what was there to brag about?
Just stupid.
Brag no more.
My dentist determined my lower one was causing an infection, and all four teeth are pushing forward, thus pushing my front teeth outward. Unnoticeable now, but in 20 years I'll be an old 西瓜刨.
So, all four teeth are shattered and taken out today.
1st: Tylenol 3
2nd: 8-10 small, localized anesthetic shots
3rd: A lot of drilling, cutting, pulling, and more drilling
4th: On the way home, entire face from the eyes down was numb. Non-stop 流口水. Of course, there was lots of blood seeping through.
5th: Can't move mouth = can't swallow saliva, can't drink, can't talk, stupid.
Today is only the first day; the worst has yet to come.
I thank God for the smooth procedure, the non-existent swelling, the very minor pain issue, my landlady who prepared tasty 粥 specially for me, Elaine for driving me around, just everything.
---
Looking back, what was there to brag about?
Just stupid.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
錢錢錢錢，錢錢錢
農夫話：
女人最忌無品
男人最忌無銀
所以幾百張心意卡比唔上白金既附屬卡
楊千嬅唱：
我們還有手仍能拖，夢仍能造，眼仍能看，心仍能開
我們還有嘴仍能親，事仍能做，戲仍能看，歌仍能聽
錢雖少 有溫柔
她們說：
徐子淇幾生修到
媽媽教：
千萬不要找個貪錢的女人
你卻千萬要努力賺錢
女人最忌無品
男人最忌無銀
所以幾百張心意卡比唔上白金既附屬卡
楊千嬅唱：
我們還有手仍能拖，夢仍能造，眼仍能看，心仍能開
我們還有嘴仍能親，事仍能做，戲仍能看，歌仍能聽
錢雖少 有溫柔
她們說：
徐子淇幾生修到
媽媽教：
千萬不要找個貪錢的女人
你卻千萬要努力賺錢
Saturday, December 30, 2006
好音樂
更多好的中文牒。
方大同 - 愛愛愛
王菀之 - 詩情.畫意 （她是基督徒嗎？）
陳奕迅 - What's Going On
謝安琪 - K sus2 （未婚媽媽也是基督徒嗎？）
農夫 - 音樂大亨
楊千嬅 - Unlimited
講開楊千嬅，這個只能聽她 studio 錄音 CD 的歌手，在 "她成功了他沒有" 裡做到無常人能做到的事情，她完全不需要吸氣。
太期待她唱這首歌 live 喇！
方大同 - 愛愛愛
王菀之 - 詩情.畫意 （她是基督徒嗎？）
陳奕迅 - What's Going On
謝安琪 - K sus2 （未婚媽媽也是基督徒嗎？）
農夫 - 音樂大亨
楊千嬅 - Unlimited
講開楊千嬅，這個只能聽她 studio 錄音 CD 的歌手，在 "她成功了他沒有" 裡做到無常人能做到的事情，她完全不需要吸氣。
太期待她唱這首歌 live 喇！
Friday, December 29, 2006
昇職
不能說得更直接。
一年半內，一個無學識，由最低級文員，昇職到經理。
聽說的是工作表現一般，不過不失。
眼見的是她每天上班都在漏奶 (她的 border 設在 equator，印尼左右，有幾天更 tsunami)。
看見的是又一個奮鬥的好例子，眾人的榜樣。
一年半內，一個無學識，由最低級文員，昇職到經理。
聽說的是工作表現一般，不過不失。
眼見的是她每天上班都在漏奶 (她的 border 設在 equator，印尼左右，有幾天更 tsunami)。
看見的是又一個奮鬥的好例子，眾人的榜樣。
Thursday, December 28, 2006
五天不停
以前在 Van-city，如果不是飛去香港，便一定會到朋友們(Hermia, Kenchit)家開 party。其餘的時間，一定會和所有老朋友見面。一定的。
今個假期，卻什麼都沒有計劃，因為沒有『心照』的朋友。但卻一點都沒有『沒事做』。
---
五天的假期過去了，有四天不停打機，睡了很少，亦讀完一本書。
1) Dec 22
團契在 Danny 屋企開 party。那隻貓令我超級敏感。
2) Dec 23
早上開始讀 Angela's Ashes。買了三年，要讀了。
晚上到 Malcolm (Gloria, 寶哥, Alex 的團友) 家晚飯 + 第一次打 Wii。很有錢的人 (M3, M5, X3, Z4, 911)，很好吃的火雞，很好玩的 Wii，很酸痛的膊頭。
3) Dec 24
和 Brett + 云云 督波後，Lucia 請所有人到她的家吃魚生壽司，很正。
4) Dec 25
早上到 William (另一個 Gloria, 寶哥, Alex 的團友)家打 Xbox 360。他的屋企像旺角二樓的音響店。有膽機，有大熒幕，有音響房，有原板街機一部 + 所有舊街機遊戲。
晚上到 蘇氏 屋企繼續 Xbox 360。Gears of War 真的很吸引。
5) Dec 26
沒有去 shopping。
到 馬氏 屋企晚飯。今晚我真的 appreciate Wii 這部機。Nintendo 這次做對了。眼見 Gamecube 的失敗，新的機便不再跟 PS3 或 360 爭。Wii 自成一格，創新的玩法，帶出得意的遊戲，成了最好的 party machine。
6) Dec 27
Winter conference。
---
明天便要上班。
打機太多，睡得太少，人很頹。
今個假期，卻什麼都沒有計劃，因為沒有『心照』的朋友。但卻一點都沒有『沒事做』。
---
五天的假期過去了，有四天不停打機，睡了很少，亦讀完一本書。
1) Dec 22
團契在 Danny 屋企開 party。那隻貓令我超級敏感。
2) Dec 23
早上開始讀 Angela's Ashes。買了三年，要讀了。
晚上到 Malcolm (Gloria, 寶哥, Alex 的團友) 家晚飯 + 第一次打 Wii。很有錢的人 (M3, M5, X3, Z4, 911)，很好吃的火雞，很好玩的 Wii，很酸痛的膊頭。
3) Dec 24
和 Brett + 云云 督波後，Lucia 請所有人到她的家吃魚生壽司，很正。
4) Dec 25
早上到 William (另一個 Gloria, 寶哥, Alex 的團友)家打 Xbox 360。他的屋企像旺角二樓的音響店。有膽機，有大熒幕，有音響房，有原板街機一部 + 所有舊街機遊戲。
晚上到 蘇氏 屋企繼續 Xbox 360。Gears of War 真的很吸引。
5) Dec 26
沒有去 shopping。
到 馬氏 屋企晚飯。今晚我真的 appreciate Wii 這部機。Nintendo 這次做對了。眼見 Gamecube 的失敗，新的機便不再跟 PS3 或 360 爭。Wii 自成一格，創新的玩法，帶出得意的遊戲，成了最好的 party machine。
6) Dec 27
Winter conference。
---
明天便要上班。
打機太多，睡得太少，人很頹。
Saturday, December 23, 2006
團聚沒有我
對西人來講，年尾的感恩節和聖誕節是一家團聚的節日，
跟華人的農曆年一樣。
今年我家人聖誕節的計劃，一如以往，沒有我。
過去八年，和家人渡過三次聖誕，三次都是我飛回香港。
今年聖誕，爸爸飛了去溫哥華，帶了弟弟去 New York 探契媽一家。
弟弟去了溫哥華讀書四個月。
爸爸已探了他兩次。
媽媽亦會四月來探他。
怕
他
自
己
一
人
很
可
憐
。
而我，在距離一個小時飛機的 Calgary，他們沒想過來看看。
也許，我獨立得太可怕了。
我真的不開心。
我亦怕，
有一天，
我連不開心也感不到。
跟華人的農曆年一樣。
今年我家人聖誕節的計劃，一如以往，沒有我。
過去八年，和家人渡過三次聖誕，三次都是我飛回香港。
今年聖誕，爸爸飛了去溫哥華，帶了弟弟去 New York 探契媽一家。
弟弟去了溫哥華讀書四個月。
爸爸已探了他兩次。
媽媽亦會四月來探他。
怕
他
自
己
一
人
很
可
憐
。
而我，在距離一個小時飛機的 Calgary，他們沒想過來看看。
也許，我獨立得太可怕了。
我真的不開心。
我亦怕，
有一天，
我連不開心也感不到。
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
差點放棄前行
要多少打擊，才能叫一個有為青年放棄向前行？
原來不難。
不需要失敗，不需要恥笑，不需要跌倒；
只需要 -25C 的天氣，
只需要 windchill -40C 的毒針強風。
今天在路旁、等巴士的十五分鐘裡，是我活了二十多年來，第一次想到放棄。
是絕望的放棄，
是想在地上"典"的放棄，
是眼望天問『點！解！』的放棄。
差點放棄，如果那遲到的巴士沒有來。
原來不難。
不需要失敗，不需要恥笑，不需要跌倒；
只需要 -25C 的天氣，
只需要 windchill -40C 的毒針強風。
今天在路旁、等巴士的十五分鐘裡，是我活了二十多年來，第一次想到放棄。
是絕望的放棄，
是想在地上"典"的放棄，
是眼望天問『點！解！』的放棄。
差點放棄，如果那遲到的巴士沒有來。
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Daai Fei Jee
昨晚食飯咬到嘴唇。
今天順理的生粒 Daai Fei Jee。
DFJ 跟 Daai Faan Yaan 一樣，你不想他來他偏來，你用盡方法趕他走他永不走。清水、鹽水、汽水、西瓜霜、啤酒、薯條、辣椒，全部冇用。原來對付 DFJ，和面對 DFY 都無分別。
今天順理的生粒 Daai Fei Jee。
DFJ 跟 Daai Faan Yaan 一樣，你不想他來他偏來，你用盡方法趕他走他永不走。清水、鹽水、汽水、西瓜霜、啤酒、薯條、辣椒，全部冇用。原來對付 DFJ，和面對 DFY 都無分別。
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
浪費時間是快樂的
聽著彭靖惠的新碟，覺得放下手上的、卸下肩膊的，一個下午什麼都不做，是快樂的。
幻想回到 2004 年的暑假。我們三人去 Vancouver Island。最後在 Victoria 海旁喝啤酒、吃 calimari、談天，十分寫意。
---
剛過去的 wkend，在溫哥華約了 D-梁 出來。
再次回到中學時代的 Kerrisdale，很懷念。全世界最美麗的地區，最美麗的中學，最美麗的房屋，最美麗的回憶。
幻想回到 2004 年的暑假。我們三人去 Vancouver Island。最後在 Victoria 海旁喝啤酒、吃 calimari、談天，十分寫意。
---
剛過去的 wkend，在溫哥華約了 D-梁 出來。
再次回到中學時代的 Kerrisdale，很懷念。全世界最美麗的地區，最美麗的中學，最美麗的房屋，最美麗的回憶。
Monday, October 16, 2006
2006 年最後的婚禮
對，我可以從新儲錢！可以為 2007 儲錢...可以為 2007 年的多個婚禮儲錢！因為我已參加完 2006 年所有的婚禮！值得興祝！
---
今次的婚禮有點奇，奇在我不算是新娘或新郎的朋友/家人/鄰居。。。因為這個特殊的關係，今次不算很開心。不是不開心，而是沒有為朋友開心的那種快樂。
這對不是教徒的新人，為了想在教堂行禮，所以去了 Unitarian Church。這個教派，是大雜錦，乜都信，乜都對，是可怕的。
---
除了婚禮，這次旅程還是為了探望弟弟。
一個被人照顧慣的年輕人去了 UBC，住 dorm，讀五科，一切一切都太快。
希望他會好好地，不要浪費時間。浪費時間，是四年大學全部用來讀書，浪費了大開眼界/識新朋友/吸收新經驗的機會。
---
今次的婚禮有點奇，奇在我不算是新娘或新郎的朋友/家人/鄰居。。。因為這個特殊的關係，今次不算很開心。不是不開心，而是沒有為朋友開心的那種快樂。
這對不是教徒的新人，為了想在教堂行禮，所以去了 Unitarian Church。這個教派，是大雜錦，乜都信，乜都對，是可怕的。
---
除了婚禮，這次旅程還是為了探望弟弟。
一個被人照顧慣的年輕人去了 UBC，住 dorm，讀五科，一切一切都太快。
希望他會好好地，不要浪費時間。浪費時間，是四年大學全部用來讀書，浪費了大開眼界/識新朋友/吸收新經驗的機會。
Thursday, October 12, 2006
噩夢連場
從小到大，我常常發夢。很多離奇古怪的故事，就在半夜場上演。
但過去的三個星期，是我記憶中第二次發噩夢。
第一次，是中學時期，我連續發了幾個全家人被虜到菲律賓，然後被盤問（一條無人懂得答的問題），最後被殺的夢。
這一次，我連續三次發現自己在 calculus 考試，問題似懂非懂，肯定肥佬，十分恐佈。比被殺還恐佈。
上學這麼多年，從來未試過發關於學校的夢。
這個 calculus，實在太可怕。五年過去，還在來探我。
但過去的三個星期，是我記憶中第二次發噩夢。
第一次，是中學時期，我連續發了幾個全家人被虜到菲律賓，然後被盤問（一條無人懂得答的問題），最後被殺的夢。
這一次，我連續三次發現自己在 calculus 考試，問題似懂非懂，肯定肥佬，十分恐佈。比被殺還恐佈。
上學這麼多年，從來未試過發關於學校的夢。
這個 calculus，實在太可怕。五年過去，還在來探我。
Saturday, October 07, 2006
感恩節 @ 馬氏
在 Thanksgiving 星期六的早上花了五個小時去弄我車子的 CD-機。幫我的那個技工技術不是提好，所以弄了五個小時。但他卻很用心，所以在等了五個小時後我有 CD-機可用。
快樂不快樂，很在乎我留意的是叫我黑面的一點，還是叫我感到值得感恩的一點。
之後去了馬氏家晚餐。很有愛心的夫婦。很美味的雞翼、牛扒、青島啤。
快樂不快樂，很在乎我留意的是叫我黑面的一點，還是叫我感到值得感恩的一點。
之後去了馬氏家晚餐。很有愛心的夫婦。很美味的雞翼、牛扒、青島啤。
Friday, October 06, 2006
加人工 2：於金字塔頂
今天是 performance review。入去前，都知到肯定會過 probation，所以重點放在我需要改進的地方。
和上頭傾了差不多一個小時，很暢快。如果我真的要離開，絕對不會是因為我個 sup。他給了我很多正面的 feedback，還有很有建設性的意見。他再次說我的表現很好，所以沒理由不加我人工（即是第三次加喇！）。更由於我（這隻白老鼠）表現好，所以在新請來的一班人裡，便再次有一位剛畢業的女孩子。
飄飄然呀。飄飄然。
開完會後，站在金字塔頂，第一件事就是從心的發出感謝。由我的家人，到朋友，到老師，到實習，到跨越，到教會，到工作，到屋主。一切一切，都是美好的。
如果換轉是以前的我，一定會自我膨脹到不得了。現在我知道，這一切都是神和身邊的人一滴一滴地送給我的。
今天我很快樂。因為我的生命是美好的。
和上頭傾了差不多一個小時，很暢快。如果我真的要離開，絕對不會是因為我個 sup。他給了我很多正面的 feedback，還有很有建設性的意見。他再次說我的表現很好，所以沒理由不加我人工（即是第三次加喇！）。更由於我（這隻白老鼠）表現好，所以在新請來的一班人裡，便再次有一位剛畢業的女孩子。
飄飄然呀。飄飄然。
開完會後，站在金字塔頂，第一件事就是從心的發出感謝。由我的家人，到朋友，到老師，到實習，到跨越，到教會，到工作，到屋主。一切一切，都是美好的。
如果換轉是以前的我，一定會自我膨脹到不得了。現在我知道，這一切都是神和身邊的人一滴一滴地送給我的。
今天我很快樂。因為我的生命是美好的。
Thursday, October 05, 2006
大圍小圈
第一次見到團契有小圈子出現，是中學時代，我讀 Gr.10。很記得那一晚，望著小圈，我問身旁的好友：『為什麼我們不在其中？我唔開心。』他說：『我也有同感。』
之後我和我的中學團契開始疏，因為我看不起『我們只和 Christians 做朋友』的那一班人。所以沒有為小圈子而非常不快樂。
之後到了大學團契。（也許因為大家不太熟的原故）沒有小圈子。還有，我大學的日子多姿多彩。所以沒有因為和團契不熟而非常不快樂。（現在回想起，覺得很可惜。）
之後到了多倫多一個夏天。我自己參加了一個小圈子。生活非常愉快，因為有很強的 sense of belongingness。我覺得，生命裡有熟朋友是對的；但在團契裡 exclude 了其他人，便是錯。
現在來到卡加里，一大圍人裡好像有幾個小圈，整個團契又好像不太熟。我感到有點危，有點可怕，不健康。我的心告訴我，有不快樂的感覺。
真的要小心，真心，小心。 我提醒自己。
之後我和我的中學團契開始疏，因為我看不起『我們只和 Christians 做朋友』的那一班人。所以沒有為小圈子而非常不快樂。
之後到了大學團契。（也許因為大家不太熟的原故）沒有小圈子。還有，我大學的日子多姿多彩。所以沒有因為和團契不熟而非常不快樂。（現在回想起，覺得很可惜。）
之後到了多倫多一個夏天。我自己參加了一個小圈子。生活非常愉快，因為有很強的 sense of belongingness。我覺得，生命裡有熟朋友是對的；但在團契裡 exclude 了其他人，便是錯。
現在來到卡加里，一大圍人裡好像有幾個小圈，整個團契又好像不太熟。我感到有點危，有點可怕，不健康。我的心告訴我，有不快樂的感覺。
真的要小心，真心，小心。 我提醒自己。
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
加人工
八月公司加了人工，其實因為 inflation，所以不算加人工，只是令員工沒有少了 real income。
今個月再加少少，因為每兩星期就有人離開，因為其他地方出價高很多，因為公司說想 "...match the market and keep the best people"。
我看到 email 後，覺得如果沒有加第二次人工，我不會這麼失望。我從來未想過『我現在人工低，所以要離開。』但如果你真的想 match the market，你不會加這麼少。你這樣說 + 你這樣做，我覺得被騙了。
I don't need half-hearted charity.
今個月再加少少，因為每兩星期就有人離開，因為其他地方出價高很多，因為公司說想 "...match the market and keep the best people"。
我看到 email 後，覺得如果沒有加第二次人工，我不會這麼失望。我從來未想過『我現在人工低，所以要離開。』但如果你真的想 match the market，你不會加這麼少。你這樣說 + 你這樣做，我覺得被騙了。
I don't need half-hearted charity.
Monday, October 02, 2006
快，但不飛快
如果上學的日子像四十公里長跑；
如果上班的日子像夏天郊外散步；
那麼上班+上學就是四百米賽跑。
不是高速全力衝，不是跑不完，也不是散慢到悶；
而是有點快的跑，有點累，有點想休息，有點覺得還有短短二百米，有點亂。
如果上班的日子像夏天郊外散步；
那麼上班+上學就是四百米賽跑。
不是高速全力衝，不是跑不完，也不是散慢到悶；
而是有點快的跑，有點累，有點想休息，有點覺得還有短短二百米，有點亂。
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
牧羊少年奇幻之旅
好書。
我們要怎樣追尋夢想。怎樣去尋夢，尋到了要怎樣去追。怎樣用盡一切去追，因為人生只有一次。
剛剛讀完這本書，印象最深刻的內容有：
-男孩在父親的眼底看得出父親其實也可望去旅行 ─ 儘管他因為數十年來睡在同一張床上。
-尋過程中的每一個片刻，都是和神與永恆的邂逅。
-在追求天命的時候，你也許會失去所有你已經贏得的東西。
-而日子之所以會相同，是因為人們不能珍惜每天發生的事。
-幸福的秘密就是去欣賞世界上所有的奇妙景觀，但不要忘了湯匙裡的油。
-別人希望我當一個神父，我卻決定作個牧羊人。
-當我真實地在追尋著夢想時，一路上我都會發現從未想像過的東西，如果當初我沒有勇氣去嘗試看來幾乎不可能的事，如今我就還只是個牧羊人而已。
我們要怎樣追尋夢想。怎樣去尋夢，尋到了要怎樣去追。怎樣用盡一切去追，因為人生只有一次。
剛剛讀完這本書，印象最深刻的內容有：
-男孩在父親的眼底看得出父親其實也可望去旅行 ─ 儘管他因為數十年來睡在同一張床上。
-尋過程中的每一個片刻，都是和神與永恆的邂逅。
-在追求天命的時候，你也許會失去所有你已經贏得的東西。
-而日子之所以會相同，是因為人們不能珍惜每天發生的事。
-幸福的秘密就是去欣賞世界上所有的奇妙景觀，但不要忘了湯匙裡的油。
-別人希望我當一個神父，我卻決定作個牧羊人。
-當我真實地在追尋著夢想時，一路上我都會發現從未想像過的東西，如果當初我沒有勇氣去嘗試看來幾乎不可能的事，如今我就還只是個牧羊人而已。
Saturday, September 23, 2006
樂善好施
樂善堂。叫我想起我鄰居們上的小學。從我家步行二十分鐘便到達。
好施。是今晚邀請我們火窩的姊妹。她的大笑，不拘小節，不扮0野，很特別。就像我所有的老朋友一樣 (K-王，D-梁，W-陳，SB-梁...)。都會在心中快樂的時候盡情的大叫大笑。
好施。是今晚邀請我們火窩的姊妹。她的大笑，不拘小節，不扮0野，很特別。就像我所有的老朋友一樣 (K-王，D-梁，W-陳，SB-梁...)。都會在心中快樂的時候盡情的大叫大笑。
Thursday, September 21, 2006
有什麼特別？
今天去了見客。其實又不是客。這間公司的 claims 都是我管理的，所以要和他們見個面。Put the face to the name。
開完會後，其中一個 auntie 級的經理在大家面前對我說：『估不到你這麼年輕。我的女兒也比你大。』
這一句,"..can't believe you're so young!" 在上班的這幾個月已聽了很多次。
-外面的客，大部份是質疑。質疑我的能力/判斷力/權力。
-公司的同事，差不多事質疑。再加多點點威迫。
-但感謝神，我新的 supervisor 對我很好。當我犯錯時，他會耐心教導。今天開完會回程時，他說我可以 handle 更多公司客，surpassed all their expectations。是不是有人工加呢？
但這有什麼特別？
我自問不是做得非常好，我還是久不久便做錯一些，或說錯話。他覺得我表現好，是因為其他同事的懶惰使我的盡責顯得特出。
在車上，他間接又直接地問我，我讀完現在的 cert 後，會不會離開。這個問題經已是答案。
我只想告訴他，在這個市場，我不需要完成整個學位都可以找到下一份工了。不是現在這份工不好，只是這裡太安穩（但又最適合想讀夜校的我），這裡充滿懶惰/望放工/望退休/不望進步的人。我還未到那個階段。
我又想告訴他，我有點內咎感。因為公司破例在外地（另外的城市）請了一個剛畢業的學生（我是第一個），我應該不要這麼做便有離心。況且，有很多人想進來做都沒機會，我是應該珍惜的。
但如果在這裡待多兩年，我下半生便這樣下去了。被那些 pension 困住，被 benefits 留著，被懶人感染。我還未到那個階段。
開完會後，其中一個 auntie 級的經理在大家面前對我說：『估不到你這麼年輕。我的女兒也比你大。』
這一句,"..can't believe you're so young!" 在上班的這幾個月已聽了很多次。
-外面的客，大部份是質疑。質疑我的能力/判斷力/權力。
-公司的同事，差不多事質疑。再加多點點威迫。
-但感謝神，我新的 supervisor 對我很好。當我犯錯時，他會耐心教導。今天開完會回程時，他說我可以 handle 更多公司客，surpassed all their expectations。是不是有人工加呢？
但這有什麼特別？
我自問不是做得非常好，我還是久不久便做錯一些，或說錯話。他覺得我表現好，是因為其他同事的懶惰使我的盡責顯得特出。
在車上，他間接又直接地問我，我讀完現在的 cert 後，會不會離開。這個問題經已是答案。
我只想告訴他，在這個市場，我不需要完成整個學位都可以找到下一份工了。不是現在這份工不好，只是這裡太安穩（但又最適合想讀夜校的我），這裡充滿懶惰/望放工/望退休/不望進步的人。我還未到那個階段。
我又想告訴他，我有點內咎感。因為公司破例在外地（另外的城市）請了一個剛畢業的學生（我是第一個），我應該不要這麼做便有離心。況且，有很多人想進來做都沒機會，我是應該珍惜的。
但如果在這裡待多兩年，我下半生便這樣下去了。被那些 pension 困住，被 benefits 留著，被懶人感染。我還未到那個階段。
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
又開學喇！
對上一次上學已是十四個月前。最後一次考試過後，我沒有『終於讀完大學』的興奮，而是『要準備去 Toronto 實習』的期待。去完 Toronto 後，去了旅行；旅行後，來到 Calgary；工作後，先發覺我沒有好好地關上大學這個 chapter。
完來我是懷念大學的。
今天放工後，我在新的城市，踏進這所名不太響的 U of Calgary，開始讀這個由氣大一點的 U of Alberta 所辦的證書，心情十分興奮。最接近的形容，是小學開始前的一天、或第一次坐飛機前一晚的那種坐不安睡不著的感覺。
我十分嚮往上學。愛學新知識，喜歡結識新朋友，愛感到自己在向目標邁進，喜歡生活上有屬於我的東西。
今天的課其實無聊：三小時的課，教授用了兩個小時介紹自己和讓同學互相認識。下課後，好像什麼都沒有學到。
但能夠上學，太興奮喇！
完來我是懷念大學的。
今天放工後，我在新的城市，踏進這所名不太響的 U of Calgary，開始讀這個由氣大一點的 U of Alberta 所辦的證書，心情十分興奮。最接近的形容，是小學開始前的一天、或第一次坐飛機前一晚的那種坐不安睡不著的感覺。
我十分嚮往上學。愛學新知識，喜歡結識新朋友，愛感到自己在向目標邁進，喜歡生活上有屬於我的東西。
今天的課其實無聊：三小時的課，教授用了兩個小時介紹自己和讓同學互相認識。下課後，好像什麼都沒有學到。
但能夠上學，太興奮喇！
Sunday, August 27, 2006
K 歌嘆息
每次去 K，總會點古巨基的舊歌。
唱中箭、唱愛與夢飛行、唱友共情、唱木納，
大家都嘆氣，
都懷念那個古巨基。
我們都不須要做隻貓狗的，
不要 gimmick、不要搏獎的。
看到他的新碟『我生』，
我有怕再一次的失望。
聽了第一句，
我們喜愛的回來了！
那舒服唱法回來了！
聽完全隻碟，
開心的是最真的（在我心中）古巨基再現；
可惜的是找不到第一次聽歡樂今宵或忘了時間的鐘的興奮了。
---
記得古巨基開始下滑的那幾年，個個人的 complaint 都是那幾句，
之所以他要改歌路。
改完歌路，去了大陸，回到香港被笑，到 Paco，到拿獎，
到頭來，原來最喜歡的是原來的他。
唱中箭、唱愛與夢飛行、唱友共情、唱木納，
大家都嘆氣，
都懷念那個古巨基。
我們都不須要做隻貓狗的，
不要 gimmick、不要搏獎的。
看到他的新碟『我生』，
我有怕再一次的失望。
聽了第一句，
我們喜愛的回來了！
那舒服唱法回來了！
聽完全隻碟，
開心的是最真的（在我心中）古巨基再現；
可惜的是找不到第一次聽歡樂今宵或忘了時間的鐘的興奮了。
---
記得古巨基開始下滑的那幾年，個個人的 complaint 都是那幾句，
之所以他要改歌路。
改完歌路，去了大陸，回到香港被笑，到 Paco，到拿獎，
到頭來，原來最喜歡的是原來的他。
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
你沒禮貌！
在公車上，有兩名乘客下車。自然多了兩個座位出來。
有一老伯飛快的插入，拿到窗口位；
之後有中坑坐下，拿到另一個位。
本來以為相安無事的，怎知原來老伯是想幫愛人霸位的。老太太不夠中坑快，所以很不忿。
開始華人式罵戰了。
中坑被兩老三文治。
老伯首先用廣東話鬧中坑，
中坑用國語反擊。
中坑一句：『中文都不懂的廣東鬼住口！』（Hey! 連我都罵！）
老伯作勢去推走中坑（但停留在作勢的階段）。
老伯和老太顯然國語不靈光，但也聽得懂被罵的意思。於是雙劍合壁，連發幾十句國語：『你沒禮貌！』
其他乘客（連我在內），放工太累了。但有個正氣白人男子開口，叫他們收聲。老伯用英文解釋罵戰的原因。白男說不關我事，但你們太嘈了。老伯說了兩句 Ok Ok.
靜了不夠兩分鐘，老太突然發難『huh! huh! huh!』還作勢去打他（當然停留在作勢的階段）。
中坑交叉雙手，扮睡覺去。
---
小時候讀很多名人傳記。
有一本是說個中國將軍的。好像是林則徐，但不太肯定，應該不是。
那個將軍有次去德國，想見識新科技和學德國的軍法。德國的代表當然看不起這個 slanted eyes 的矮小人。
德：為什麼要教你？我只和軍事強大的國家交流。
中：我們也很強的！我不知平定了多少次內亂！
原來強大的中國軍事力量是用來打自己人的。
---
我在想，如過那個中坑是個白人或者黑人，只要不是中國人，
那兩老一定會一聲不發地詐作無事回家去。
有一老伯飛快的插入，拿到窗口位；
之後有中坑坐下，拿到另一個位。
本來以為相安無事的，怎知原來老伯是想幫愛人霸位的。老太太不夠中坑快，所以很不忿。
開始華人式罵戰了。
中坑被兩老三文治。
老伯首先用廣東話鬧中坑，
中坑用國語反擊。
中坑一句：『中文都不懂的廣東鬼住口！』（Hey! 連我都罵！）
老伯作勢去推走中坑（但停留在作勢的階段）。
老伯和老太顯然國語不靈光，但也聽得懂被罵的意思。於是雙劍合壁，連發幾十句國語：『你沒禮貌！』
其他乘客（連我在內），放工太累了。但有個正氣白人男子開口，叫他們收聲。老伯用英文解釋罵戰的原因。白男說不關我事，但你們太嘈了。老伯說了兩句 Ok Ok.
靜了不夠兩分鐘，老太突然發難『huh! huh! huh!』還作勢去打他（當然停留在作勢的階段）。
中坑交叉雙手，扮睡覺去。
---
小時候讀很多名人傳記。
有一本是說個中國將軍的。好像是林則徐，但不太肯定，應該不是。
那個將軍有次去德國，想見識新科技和學德國的軍法。德國的代表當然看不起這個 slanted eyes 的矮小人。
德：為什麼要教你？我只和軍事強大的國家交流。
中：我們也很強的！我不知平定了多少次內亂！
原來強大的中國軍事力量是用來打自己人的。
---
我在想，如過那個中坑是個白人或者黑人，只要不是中國人，
那兩老一定會一聲不發地詐作無事回家去。
Monday, August 21, 2006
被踢後感
真心話，我的屋主是全世界最好的屋主。她待我好像一家人一樣。
真心話，過了上個星期一，我真的一點不開心都沒有。
真心話，換轉我是屋主，在這個 circumstance，我也會把房客踢出去五晚。
真心話，我不明白為何兩個經濟正常的有為家庭，在計劃了大半年的旅行中，會好意思的借住在別人家裡，還要老奉地什麼都不預備。他們真的住了免費酒店。
真心話，我有期待過那家人會多謝我。
真心話，過了上個星期一，我真的一點不開心都沒有。
真心話，換轉我是屋主，在這個 circumstance，我也會把房客踢出去五晚。
真心話，我不明白為何兩個經濟正常的有為家庭，在計劃了大半年的旅行中，會好意思的借住在別人家裡，還要老奉地什麼都不預備。他們真的住了免費酒店。
真心話，我有期待過那家人會多謝我。
Saturday, August 19, 2006
與米爺同居的五個夜
什麼都不用說，真的很多謝呀 Mike 收留我。
---
和他一起談了些天。其實是廢 up。
說了這個，說了那個。
很奇怪。
有些人把感情看得兒戲，
有些人去選擇逃避，
有些人追完佢再追佢最後追你。
更奇怪，
我竟然和呀 Mike 說起自己對其他人的看法。
因為我是不太喜歡說他人是非的。
有時候，知得少才是幸福。
在床上再想，如果我樣衰+無腦，晚上被人當話題的很可能是我。
很可怕。
其實，好有可能，在同一晚，有兩個無聊人把我倆當笑話笑到零晨三點。
---
和他一起談了些天。其實是廢 up。
說了這個，說了那個。
很奇怪。
有些人把感情看得兒戲，
有些人去選擇逃避，
有些人追完佢再追佢最後追你。
更奇怪，
我竟然和呀 Mike 說起自己對其他人的看法。
因為我是不太喜歡說他人是非的。
有時候，知得少才是幸福。
在床上再想，如果我樣衰+無腦，晚上被人當話題的很可能是我。
很可怕。
其實，好有可能，在同一晚，有兩個無聊人把我倆當笑話笑到零晨三點。
Monday, August 14, 2006
無資產階級
小時候，我學到，背脊痕時沒有不求人，是可憐的。
見工時，我學到，沒有 barganing power，是任人湯的。
今天這件事，叫我明白，無資產或無名氣或無權力的，是可憐的。
我在想，
如果我有自己的屋，便不會被人踢出來；
如果我很出名的，便不會被人踢出來；
如果我也是什麼銜頭什麼牧師什麼什麼，便不會被人踢出來。
見工時，我學到，沒有 barganing power，是任人湯的。
今天這件事，叫我明白，無資產或無名氣或無權力的，是可憐的。
我在想，
如果我有自己的屋，便不會被人踢出來；
如果我很出名的，便不會被人踢出來；
如果我也是什麼銜頭什麼牧師什麼什麼，便不會被人踢出來。
Saturday, August 12, 2006
又一個婚禮
就是到了這個時候， 身邊的朋友開始說要結婚了。
比我大五年的，差不多全都結婚了；
比我大三年的，差不多全到決定/經已結婚了；
我個同年的，有人要結婚了。（恭喜你呀，V-鄧！）
朋友們的決定對我最大的影響，就是這個夏天我花了很多很多錢去參加婚禮。
---
每個婚禮，都會有人認真/說笑/廢up地問：『幾時到你呀？』
其實，關我什麼事呢？
乜你呀媽冇教你『人地去死你唔去死！』嗎？
---
Any-Way，這個婚禮很好。
短，精，簡。
我是來參加婚禮、分享喜悅的，不是來聽你爸/媽/弟/好朋友ABCDEFG表演的。
男的說得很動人。（為什麼連續兩個新郎都這麼sensitive呢？）
女的如常很冷靜。（？！）
---
之後的晚宴就不好。
食物是冷的，服務員是無腦的，音響是聽不到的，
空閒時間多得很，心情有點悶。
從未試過到十一點還未吃甜品。
當然，全部都是酒樓/酒痁的錯。
---
不值一提（但還要提）的，怎少得我最恨惡的接新娘環節呢？
我有理由相信，接新娘是由嫁唔出的落寞女人想出來的發洩玩意。
比我大五年的，差不多全都結婚了；
比我大三年的，差不多全到決定/經已結婚了；
我個同年的，有人要結婚了。（恭喜你呀，V-鄧！）
朋友們的決定對我最大的影響，就是這個夏天我花了很多很多錢去參加婚禮。
---
每個婚禮，都會有人認真/說笑/廢up地問：『幾時到你呀？』
其實，關我什麼事呢？
乜你呀媽冇教你『人地去死你唔去死！』嗎？
---
Any-Way，這個婚禮很好。
短，精，簡。
我是來參加婚禮、分享喜悅的，不是來聽你爸/媽/弟/好朋友ABCDEFG表演的。
男的說得很動人。（為什麼連續兩個新郎都這麼sensitive呢？）
女的如常很冷靜。（？！）
---
之後的晚宴就不好。
食物是冷的，服務員是無腦的，音響是聽不到的，
空閒時間多得很，心情有點悶。
從未試過到十一點還未吃甜品。
當然，全部都是酒樓/酒痁的錯。
---
不值一提（但還要提）的，怎少得我最恨惡的接新娘環節呢？
我有理由相信，接新娘是由嫁唔出的落寞女人想出來的發洩玩意。
Sunday, July 30, 2006
唇
眼前這人，懶音 + 錯音奇多，很難相信自己會專心地聽他說話。
集中力由他的內容，轉到字眼，轉到懶音，轉到錯音，轉到漩渦叫我頭痛。
增唇；
滅唇；
分唇；
錫唇。
看著他的唇開合開合，這雙非常碩士的唇叫我相信，這真是非常可笑。
集中力由他的內容，轉到字眼，轉到懶音，轉到錯音，轉到漩渦叫我頭痛。
增唇；
滅唇；
分唇；
錫唇。
看著他的唇開合開合，這雙非常碩士的唇叫我相信，這真是非常可笑。
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
婆婆聽電話
Calgary 的夏天很乾，太陽很灼。
下班後，鐵皮廂內，小小的窗口吹進熱風，我正在想冷氣機與溫室效應，正在想冷氣機與享受，正在想吃印度咖哩。
停站了。數十條沙甸魚中，我看到一個華人老婆婆。她帶著兩個七、八歲的女孫兒上車。
很辛苦呀，我在想。
有一位白人青年人讓座給老婆婆。她謝了他，接受了這個車廂左面的位子。
有另一白人女子讓座給兩個小朋友。你眼望我眼，再望望婆婆的準許，就坐上了這個車廂右面的位子。
我再飛回溫哥華吃印度咖哩。
突然聽到小朋友沙沙的聲音大叫：『聽電話呀！婆婆聽電話！聽電話呀！婆婆聽。。。』
本能的望向老婆婆。見她很慌忙的在袋裡找她的電話。找著了，看看來電顯視，按制，
之後笑著的對孫兒說：『衰 doi！玩婆婆！』
再望望小朋友，他倆天真地笑，然後把電話收起。
今天天氣很熱呀。
下班後，鐵皮廂內，小小的窗口吹進熱風，我正在想冷氣機與溫室效應，正在想冷氣機與享受，正在想吃印度咖哩。
停站了。數十條沙甸魚中，我看到一個華人老婆婆。她帶著兩個七、八歲的女孫兒上車。
很辛苦呀，我在想。
有一位白人青年人讓座給老婆婆。她謝了他，接受了這個車廂左面的位子。
有另一白人女子讓座給兩個小朋友。你眼望我眼，再望望婆婆的準許，就坐上了這個車廂右面的位子。
我再飛回溫哥華吃印度咖哩。
突然聽到小朋友沙沙的聲音大叫：『聽電話呀！婆婆聽電話！聽電話呀！婆婆聽。。。』
本能的望向老婆婆。見她很慌忙的在袋裡找她的電話。找著了，看看來電顯視，按制，
之後笑著的對孫兒說：『衰 doi！玩婆婆！』
再望望小朋友，他倆天真地笑，然後把電話收起。
今天天氣很熱呀。
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Sense and Sensibility
今天參觀一個婚禮。只是參觀，因為和一對新人不熟，所以不算參加。
到交換介指時，新郎說得數度差點流淚，內容真的很感動人。這麼冷血的我，眼睛也浮了幾滴馬尿。
之後到新娘表達心聲。不知是否擔心面上的化妝，所以強制自己的情緒，還是婚禮的一切 + 結婚的一天太累人，她說得很平靜。好像無感情的鐵人，六句 monotone 相識/一起/他很好/所以結婚，最後一句 I love you，理性得可怕。
---
At a wedding my husband and I attended, the groom got choked up and shed a few tears.
I leaned over to my husband and whispered, "Why didn't you cry at our wedding?"
"I would have," he replied, "if I'd known what was in store for me."
-- Laurel Cadman, Edmonton , 1999, Reader's Digest Canada, Reader Contributions
---
可怕的並不是理性的她，或感性的他，而是兩樣都重要的未來。
當樓價在觸摸不到的雲上，當事業決定在他人手裡，當世界的壓力像浪般撲過來；
當結了婚的會離婚，當訂了婚的會反口，當雙愛過的會分手；
當一個婚禮用了多少錢-->新屋多少錢-->父毋給了多少錢-->你人工多少錢已有專人在三十分鐘內幫你計了出來；
當我一直相信自己是不太理會別人的想法；
但今天又叫我多一點的懷疑自己。
到交換介指時，新郎說得數度差點流淚，內容真的很感動人。這麼冷血的我，眼睛也浮了幾滴馬尿。
之後到新娘表達心聲。不知是否擔心面上的化妝，所以強制自己的情緒，還是婚禮的一切 + 結婚的一天太累人，她說得很平靜。好像無感情的鐵人，六句 monotone 相識/一起/他很好/所以結婚，最後一句 I love you，理性得可怕。
---
At a wedding my husband and I attended, the groom got choked up and shed a few tears.
I leaned over to my husband and whispered, "Why didn't you cry at our wedding?"
"I would have," he replied, "if I'd known what was in store for me."
-- Laurel Cadman, Edmonton , 1999, Reader's Digest Canada, Reader Contributions
---
可怕的並不是理性的她，或感性的他，而是兩樣都重要的未來。
當樓價在觸摸不到的雲上，當事業決定在他人手裡，當世界的壓力像浪般撲過來；
當結了婚的會離婚，當訂了婚的會反口，當雙愛過的會分手；
當一個婚禮用了多少錢-->新屋多少錢-->父毋給了多少錢-->你人工多少錢已有專人在三十分鐘內幫你計了出來；
當我一直相信自己是不太理會別人的想法；
但今天又叫我多一點的懷疑自己。
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
李小龍說：「人生的責任在於忠實地發展自己的潛能，完成自我。」
昨天我被掉/丟/調了。
因為公司有人離開，所以上頭便決定把我踢去填空位。
為什麼我反應會這麼的大？因為：
第一，我原來的那一組有兩個新人（我是其一），我不明白為什麼要把我調走。
第二，我原來的那一組是最難做 = 最多東西學的一組，現在沒有了。
第三，最難的一組須要最醒目的人，這是不是說明我不及另一位新人？
想到第三點，人變得灰了。
雖然另一位新人其實不是"新"，她在這行已做了十多年了，但我覺得我一點也不比她舜色。
但怎樣都好，昨天放工後在公車上，我想到李小龍。
因為公司有人離開，所以上頭便決定把我踢去填空位。
為什麼我反應會這麼的大？因為：
第一，我原來的那一組有兩個新人（我是其一），我不明白為什麼要把我調走。
第二，我原來的那一組是最難做 = 最多東西學的一組，現在沒有了。
第三，最難的一組須要最醒目的人，這是不是說明我不及另一位新人？
想到第三點，人變得灰了。
雖然另一位新人其實不是"新"，她在這行已做了十多年了，但我覺得我一點也不比她舜色。
但怎樣都好，昨天放工後在公車上，我想到李小龍。
Sunday, July 09, 2006
施單失控的這一天
七月的第二個星期天。
吃過早餐，去了教會，吃過午餐，看完世界杯。
之後呢？
走上、走落。走上、走落。
我在想，我應該立刻找個 web hosting，因為我要自己的 homepage。我要 post 日記。我還有很多無聊的文字要放上網。
我在想，我應該明天立刻開始做運動，因為做運動會強身體健氣如紅。因為我已下了決心，六個星期了。
我在想，我應該打多些電話跟爸媽談話（今天牧師講得很到心），但我沒回家喝湯七年了，陌生了。我沒做大醫生來完成媽媽對她爸爸懷著的夢想，所以和她說話有點像罰留堂、要交帳。我心裡有個洞，不是說幾分鐘電話就填得滿。
我在想，我應該不再為金錢憂慮，因為這樣會叫我很不舒服。我會每天都心 up。我會妒忌他人。我會這生人第一次的真實地不滿足。我知道我現在的工資，對 fresh grad 來說是很不錯。但就是不夠我買樓買車呀。是，我認，但又有什麼不對？！
我在想，我應該不要被性感漂亮聰明幽默的女孩吸引，因為再下去我會變態，因為就算不變態也會做錯事。但我血氣就是方剛，我認，這又有什麼不對？
我在想，如過我是 Clint Eastwood 的話，我會殺死 Hilary Swank 嗎？
我在想，廿十歲的劉若英會喜歡我嗎？三十歲的她會因為我而流淚唱出『後來』嗎？四十歲的她會因為嫁了給我而每天都相信她的最幸福的女人嗎？
吃過早餐，去了教會，吃過午餐，看完世界杯。
之後呢？
走上、走落。走上、走落。
我在想，我應該立刻找個 web hosting，因為我要自己的 homepage。我要 post 日記。我還有很多無聊的文字要放上網。
我在想，我應該明天立刻開始做運動，因為做運動會強身體健氣如紅。因為我已下了決心，六個星期了。
我在想，我應該打多些電話跟爸媽談話（今天牧師講得很到心），但我沒回家喝湯七年了，陌生了。我沒做大醫生來完成媽媽對她爸爸懷著的夢想，所以和她說話有點像罰留堂、要交帳。我心裡有個洞，不是說幾分鐘電話就填得滿。
我在想，我應該不再為金錢憂慮，因為這樣會叫我很不舒服。我會每天都心 up。我會妒忌他人。我會這生人第一次的真實地不滿足。我知道我現在的工資，對 fresh grad 來說是很不錯。但就是不夠我買樓買車呀。是，我認，但又有什麼不對？！
我在想，我應該不要被性感漂亮聰明幽默的女孩吸引，因為再下去我會變態，因為就算不變態也會做錯事。但我血氣就是方剛，我認，這又有什麼不對？
我在想，如過我是 Clint Eastwood 的話，我會殺死 Hilary Swank 嗎？
我在想，廿十歲的劉若英會喜歡我嗎？三十歲的她會因為我而流淚唱出『後來』嗎？四十歲的她會因為嫁了給我而每天都相信她的最幸福的女人嗎？
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