Chr*st

Reading the message is fun.

Reading The Message is super fun.

Chr*st doesn't tell me what I'm not doing well and then turns off his phone.
Rather,
Chr*st tells me what I'm lacking, then shows me how to fix the problems and get better.

I guess this is why JC was/is/will be so popular. He's cool.

How Sad!

Besides saying, "How sad!"

Let's not be numb.

Maybe one day,
maybe not before I die,
but maybe one day,
we can.

【明報專訊】三鹿奶粉含三聚氰胺事件已被揭發逾3個月，但全國近30萬計的毒奶受害者，迄今仍投訴無門，就算他們想通過正式的法律手段起訴有關奶粉公司，但均遭各級法院拒絕立案審理。

早在今年10月上旬，甘肅省有懷疑飲用含三聚氰胺的三鹿奶粉而死亡的幼童家長，擬向蘭州市中級法院起訴三鹿集團，但被法院拒絕受理，法院的回覆理由竟是：「未接到上級如何處理三鹿事件的指示，所以拒絕受理」。如此回應，確實令人匪夷所思，如果「上級」永遠不指示，那法院也永遠不接受毒奶案了？

各級法院拒受理 法制成笑柄

就算在三鹿毒奶的原發地——河北石家莊市，該市中級法院面對毒奶受害者的訴訟狀，情況也是一樣，雖然受害者本月初仍向更高的河北省高級人民法院申訴，但所面對的遭遇仍是一樣。現在，受害者正準備向中國的最高審判機構——最高人民法院提出起訴，但等待他們的結果是如何呢？外界實在難以看好。

中國政府的官員曾多次公開稱，法院要頂住各方面包括來自政府官員的壓力，剛正不阿地審判案件，但各級法院拒絕受理三鹿毒奶案件，已令所謂要「抗壓」的講法成為外界的笑柄。而就算日後得到上級的指示可以受理有關案件，但作為普通老百姓，還怎能相信法院屆時真能做出公正的判決呢？這場涉及數以十萬計人命安全的「秋菊打官司」，還要持續到多久呢？

孫嘉業

很久沒寫了

突然想起鄭秀文，之後想到心血來潮。。。心血來潮，我在床下底找回幾年前日日寫，但已有幾年沒寫的 homepage。

那時沒有 blogger。整個 homepage 都是用 notepad 一句一句打出來的。現在從讀日記和無聊文（對呀，那年真的叫無聊文，很無聊呀！），很熟識的，更有點驚訝自己以前原來是會有這一面。

那時候的感性去了哪？

那時候的靈感和創作力都去了哪？

在我還未找到（其實是懶。。。）新的 web hosting 前，便把所有無聊文順序 post 上來 blogger。沒東西做的時候可以看看，回味，再回想寫這一篇文的那一刻自己是想什麼的。

SiuSum Writes

小圈子，大問題

怎麼辦呢？

團契真的人很多。上兩個星期已差不多八十人。

自然地發展的朋友關係很多（好），小圈子不少（不好），被受傷害的人亦不少（不好）。

怎麼辦呢？

是繼續有些人細聲講、大聲笑？是繼續有一群人被冷落？

或是我們要作出些少犧牲？

SlamDunk 到 Obama 的見証

我不太認識政治。

我知道 Obama 是個大明星，或是『大希望』，更是『大期望』。他有多好，電視/報紙/網上通通都有報導。他利害在，他能夠 create excitement。就像令大眾瘋狂的其他事件：戲迷通宵排對買 StarWars 的飛，無電腦的呀叔為買 Windows 95（Start me up!）而大打出手。。。Obama 的感染力很強。聽過他說話的人，都會被他迷倒。



一邊寫一邊想，今天美國人對 Obama 會否像當天以色烈人看 Jesus？都是 Change，都是迷人，都是有很多不理解他的人民給他很多不公平的期望，繼而變成失望。

其實 Obama 真正有多好，我們有四年去見証。我很記得當晚 CNN 直播 Obama 贏了選舉後，有個支持者說：『這和 Kennedy 贏總統一樣，和最重要的歷史一樣，都是我們每個人會記得的一刻。不只是記得這件事，而是記得這件事發生時我們自己在做什麼。』

他說完這句話，我立刻想到 SlamDunk。



SlamDunk 和足球小將是我一代男仔的共同話題，因為大家都追看，大家都明白（情況和周星馳相似）。SlamDunk 的故事內容滲透我們現實的生活。見到個無技術的肥仔我會叫他『美紀男』，而你會點頭同意。我們更幻想自己是流川/仙道/三井。

說回 Obama，我是想起 SlamDunk 這一幕：





第一次看到 SlamDunk 這一幕，我是 Grade 12，在床上看通宵，一口氣從第一集到第三十一集看完；
而看到 Obama 贏了選舉，我身在 Calgary，看著黑人名人流淚，我心想：『恐怕他會叫你們失望。』

你講笑？

什麼是『爆肺』？還要爆四次？！？

是谷氣過頭谷到爆？

正確的醫學名詞是什麼哩？我想來想去都想不到！

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在 YesAsia，暢銷大牒頭九位中，

周杰倫的新牒出現 5 次！

王力宏的新牒亦有 2 次！

不同的包裝都算是不同的產品嗎？市度真的這樣差？

想通了多一點

前一排心裡很煩亂，所以投訴得很大力。

昨天開車上班途中，熄了收音機，停了 CD機，想靜靜地聽。我聽到聲音提醒我：『向那個多給，就向那個多拿。給你能力大些，對你的期望便大些，想向你收的便大些。你為什麼投訴呢？』

我回答說：『就算是 Peter Parker 都迷惘過！他都有女朋友不明白他，他都有身兼幾職很疲累，他都有想過放棄，他都有。。。』

我已下定決心同怨氣說 bye bye。

就是這樣，天空放情，難題都不是拌腳石。

----

講開上班，每天飛來的箭真的很多哩！有工作的，有人事的，樣樣新鮮、次次埋身。

我不知這算不算如魚入水，但卻真是很興奮。一直以來（每一份工）我都相信自己是值得被重用的，所以會爭取，所以有時候（上一份工）會氣餒。

而現在這份工，他們是看重我的。和大人物開會，我/他都不會覺得我是 out of place。當全台的人望著我，等我下決定，而我可以自然地給他們一個震定的回答，我又可以做出滿意的結果，這就像 Jordan post up-->fadaway，很有滿足感。我很清楚這不是我利害，比我強的人多的是，我只是聽著那聲音的引導，慢慢向前行吧。

當然，小朋友被看重，便會受到一些大朋友眼紅。但一天的難題一天擔當就夠了。況且，我真的不想和他們爭什麼。勾心鬥角的事請不要牽連我在內。要昇職的，十年都不會輪到我，你們為何要眼紅我呢？笑裡藏刀的岳不群只怕會越來越多。嘻，有什麼可怕哩？

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工作是有滿足感，但遠不及和一班朋友有講有笑般快樂。

昨晚查經時 Danny 說他看得出我很開心。當然！可以 暢懷的大笑，可以做回自己，可以大家一起吃一頓美食，有什麼比這些更快樂？（玩音樂？打籃球？）

看到身邊的朋友一個一個的面對困難，然後一個一個的走出來，如 Mike、力高、Cindy，有什麼比這些更快樂？

--

聽著 Beyonce 唱 If I were a boy，不錯的歌。（但歌詞似句句都在插我。。。）

但我不會問 "If I were...."，因為我已是 Spiderman 和令狐沖，我忙得很！

下雪了

踏入十一月，開始下雪了。

這幾個星期心情都不是很好。不是股市般的大上大落，而是長期低落。很多事情都提不起勁、很多都看不上眼、更多的無心情理會。

也許是上班工作忙吧；
再加上十二月特別崇拜的籌備；
再加上下年婚禮的計劃；
再加上其他垃垃雜雜的看似瑣碎但又不能不做的事。。。

一向愛睡的我已經個多月每晚只睡五/六小時。有時候真的累到連累的感覺是什麼都不明白了。

可幸的是我已安排好的工作令我每天都起床向前跑，否則我變了隱閉青年都似。

音樂叫我快樂

很喜歡音樂。

當幾個人合作得好，當我們投入音樂，那是快樂。

今天我很快樂，在演奏音樂的三十分鐘。尤其是當自己不快樂時找到快樂，那三十分鐘就像清泉一樣。

我的工作

有人問，我的新工作是什麼？

更多人相信，打政府工是優差。懶懶閒、拉拉筋又一天。

我每天的時間表密密麻麻，開會開會開會，由八點到四點，開車開會做 projects 計劃未來。

開會不是齋坐發夢，而是要發言、答問題、接箭、問問題、作決定。有時候可以拍拍手、 BS 過便脫險，但通常都要最佳姿態、全副武裝上陣。我是很喜歡這樣高壓力的挑戰的。每天都學到很多。很刺激。不過下班回家就很累。

我離開了上一份工的政治鬥爭，卻進入了新一份工的另一種政治遊戲。每一天我都求祂給我智慧，去說話，去作決定，去做事。其實感覺很像打機，Government Office for PS3，反應要冷靜要快要正確，只是這個遊戲不能輸、不能 load saved game、不能 reset。

跟我同時期被請有三個人：一個每天 paperwork 悶到想吊頸，另一個受不了壓力想退出。我是很幸運的。我有很大的自由度，自己 set work schedule，有 paperwork 有開會，有落手落腳去做，什麼都有。

二零零八年九月十七日

大日子，

要來了。

我的 911 故事

七年了。

每次看見 Ground Zero，我都會懷念 2001 的夏天暑假：幾個星期在 New York，契媽帶我去 Maine，去 Boston，去遊 Manhattan。

在海邊，她問我想不想排隊上 Twin Towers。

我說，大廈又不會走的，我下年再來才去吧。

--

七日後，我被媽媽從香港打來的電話吵醒。

---

2007 的夏天，契媽也走了。

這個電話，是爸爸打來的。

---

這就是我的 911 故事。

今天，我和 Twin Towers 的 link 沒有了。

我去 NY 的感動沒有了。

我只想，可以多點時間在父母旁邊。

我不想，有一天，在日記裡，說出後悔的故事。

為何放不低？

今早開會，負責篇份新 policy 的女人話很多。她就像 Simpsons 裡面的那個科學家，口水多過雨水，笑話絕不好笑，亦絕不會停口。

開會後，我看到她尾指戴著 engineer 的介指，所以多口問問她的故事。原來很猛。她是個 P. Eng (Chemical)，在 Imperial Oil 做了很多年；亦是 MBA，因為她說以前對升職有幫助。之後問她為什麼不再做 Imperial 的高層，轉了來政府做個小文員。她淡淡的說錢是賺不完的，工程師做得很累；想來政府，幫市民大眾做事。

很偉大呀！

但聽後，我留意她的 engineer 介指，還有她 email signature 的 P. Eng, MBA designations。如果放低了，為何還向全世界提著和自己工作無關的學歷/背境呢？

可能對工作有幫助，說話可以大聲、有力點吧。

還有幾個人。對他們的成就我是絕對佩服，只是想問他們為何放不低？

有個是做青年工作的。非常成功。聽他說話一次，很多道理。他已沒做醫生幾十年。但因為他曾經是（短時間），所以他現在的名字仍是醫生，所以他的 formal introductions 永遠都提及他是醫生。

有個是全職的音樂老師。造藝很高。他已立心不做工程師。但因為他有個 engineering degree，所以他尾指仍戴著那隻介指。

是不是做青年工作不夠偉大？是不是做音樂老師不夠利害？他們真的很成功呀！但也許有其他的 accomplishments 會令人更偉大。做青年工作原來是不夠，做老師原來是不夠。是你要有能力去放棄其他同行沒有的學歷才叫你比他們偉大。也許這樣政府才會聽你說話，也許這樣家長才會信任你。也許。

謝謝云云

WonWon，多謝你。

你知道我生日不會在 Calgary 過，所以主動請（迫）我吃一頓這麼好的的晚餐，真感動。



我沒有告訴你，（免得掃興），我吃完那個 medium rare bloody bison ribeye，回家屙到七彩。Ribeye 很好吃，只是我腸胃差。。。

Liu Xiang

電視台無人能正確地說出他的名字。

正如我們無人能感受他的痛。


(photo by MingPao.)

幾星期後的今天，陽光晒在臉上，午睡的我被想起劉翔的痛弄醒。

Leone 姐離開我（們）了

聽落有點噯昧，但都要說，過去半年如不是 Oune 姐，我都不知生活會怎樣過。

不是說這個 roommate 天天煮飯、或煲湯、或大食會、或是最醒頭醒水的 roommate，而是每天回家家裡都有個人。工作上不如意，有時候很氣餒，但回到家裡有個人，不論他有多寸態度有多怪，原來作用很強的。不是什麼，只是有點真實的感覺。



祝你成為最利害的 architect！

開工！開政府工！

對上一次有像昨晚臨睡前的興奮，應該是 grade 8 時爸爸答應買個 480MB 的 hard drive 的那一晚。

今天第一天上班，其實很無聊。我上司剛剛放假回來，九萬幾個 email，所以我和另外兩個新人便經歷了傳聞中的政府工：上班-->break-->行行企企-->lunch-->check email-->行行企企-->break-->開二十分鐘會-->回家。

明天應該會很忙吧。因為我一 setup 完個 email account，便突然定了四個會，和幾千個上手留下來的 projects。。。。。。

六點鐘起床，無聊了一整天，這刻聽著聽著 Sophie Milman，我要睡了。。。zzz。。。

依玲生日會

一間又寸又 sticky 的 K，一班很無聊的朋友，一些很久以前的歌，




很開心的一個下午。

大熱天時思絮亂

很熱呀，睡得不好。
草粉癥呀，睡得不好。

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今天公司請我們去 Spruce Meadows 看馬術表演。包飲包食包入場包廂包拍車。我第一次去看馬術表演，亦應該是最後一次了。對我來說，看著馬匹跳來跳去跟看 Westminster dog show 的狗走來走去一樣，都是悶。

也許，我不是上等人吧。

臨離開時，看見香港奧運的大廣告。

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以前在 WCB，有一個成功為昇職不斷露奶爆衫的女人。

現在，有X個為事業 woo低身、see-thru、拋媚眼的女人。她們亦很成功。我在想，有幾多個是 senior managers 的 mistresses 呢？

哪，男人又能怎樣？

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下晝開會，突然有新的 president。看他的樣子，跟 Chaplin 一模樣。但他絕對不是講玩的。我希望他能改變這公司的惡習。更希望他不是個只有頭威的假老虎。更更更希望他不是只說不做、隻眼開隻眼閉。

而我 dept 的新 VP，給我的印象不錯。很謙虛亦平易近人。但都是看清楚才算。

開會後，我想，在這個桃木色 executive boardroom，在這班個個 40+ 的白人面前，我算什麼？難怪他們常常當我是小朋友，因為他的兒子都可能和我同年紀。難得是我有機會跟他們一同開會，但難怪他們不太會聽我的意見。

看見很多的明槍暗箭，全都因權、力、位和 perceived threats 而起。我怕，有天被插的是我。

聽到他們說話的技巧，我知道他們勝過我的地方。我怕，有天我會屈服在 corporate culture 之下。

真的是 part of the job，part of life 嗎？

New VP...

After June 9, 2008, my life changed.

No, I still don't have my business, yet.
No, I'm not unmemployed.
No, I'm not satisfied at work neither.

However, I realized that, the steering wheel to my life is not in the hands of my manager. The wheel isn't in my hands; rather I gave it to God. I can honestly say that He is my Michael Schumacher.

I go thru hairpins, thru rough dirt roads, thru icy paths, thru gravel pads...

It is painful, but at least I don't have to worry.

That makes me sleep happily at night,
That gives me the courage to face whatever comes my way.

---

Oh BTW, the company has hired a new VP. That's the 3rd VP we've had in 6 months controlling my dept.

No wonder my manager acts nuts, cuz this sucks.

I can

Success is found in cans;
Failures are found in can'ts.

I can.

又是下雨天

數個星期，斷斷續續的陰天、大雨、行雷閃電。五六月的 Calgary 不應該是這樣的。每一次的下雨，都好像回了 Vancouver 一樣。

上班，如常的人事問題，我不想再煩了。經理如常的攪東攪西，小丑如常的扇風點火，一切都如常，就像看電視一樣。經理的態度跟皇帝差無幾，因為他掌軛我們薪金上昇的幅度，因為他決定我們的 training budget，因為他是我們的 professional reference，因為他決定我們昇職的機會。實際上，我真的無什麼反擊之力。

我十分不喜歡（亦不安於）把自己的未來放在一個針對我、而我亦不信任的人的手上。自己攪生意的呼聲越來越大了。

至少，就算我失敗、破產，全部都是自己負責。

怎麼樣？

劇情進展到了這裡，下一步會怎麼樣？

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每一天，我都請那把聲音對我說話，給我指示，因為我真的很無奈。我喜歡上班，我喜歡我的工作，我喜歡我的 project，我喜歡我的工友，我喜歡我的小丑同事。從第一天起，我嘗試喜歡我的經理。但當我未不喜歡他時，他已急不及待的不喜歡我了。

相比兩個小丑同事，我是唯一會給經理意見的。也許就是這樣。

看得出我經理很重視這個地位，更愛上這個地位能帶給他的權力。他要的，是 Yes men；他恨的，是不聽話的我。

如果他可以，相信他會立刻炒我魷魚。但他就是不可以，因為我的工作表現是我們幾個人中最好的。那，他下一步會怎樣？

通常，編劇會安排經理不給我有工作表現的機會，之後他會對 VP 說我們的 department 其實不須要四個人，之後當然因為我無表現而選中我收大信封。

今天，他安排了我去 internal audit sales department，說是給我 auditing 的機會。當兩小時 audit 完畢，返回我房間時，看見經理剛剛和兩小丑開完會。經理說他想更有效的用我們的長處，所以定了新的 job description。兩個小丑都同意了。他提意，兩個小丑繼續專心做 safety 的工作，而由於我最熟識電腦，所以他提意將所有 paperwork + admin work + data entry都交給我做。我短期內不用做真正的 safety。

那一刻，那把聲音對我說：『要 speak up！不開口便什麼都完了！有我在，你不會餓死的！』所以我向經理提意，我很樂意做 paperwork，但我想繼續做 safety，我亦相信我會有很好的表現。經理望望我，說他餓了，要吃 lunch。

經理走後，小丑#1說其實他也覺得經理不對、如果我要做 data entry 我根本不用來這裡。。。小丑#2說，如果他是我便立刻辭職了。（這種假情假意，我反而懂得應付。我心裡很想對他們說：『小丑#1，明天你便與我同在樂園裡了。』）我不是耶穌，所以我只笑一笑，起身小便去。

---

劇情進展到了這裡，下一步會怎麼樣？

有收穫！

等了一個月的眼鏡終於拿到手！令我想起 V，因為她說我越來越似變態佬了。



在 Walmart 見到方大同的碟。再發現原來他們有賣 Warner HK 的碟：Fiona薛 和 x柏豪都有！很厲害！$14 都好合理。記得幾年前，中文碟賣 $20+ 是很常見的。不知是 Walmart 懂得做生意，還是加幣高的關係呢？

你快樂嗎？

如果這是我，會快樂嗎？


by: 幾米

好像很開心，

但應該不會快樂。

氣球。影帝。雅各。

今天，要記下每一個在我腦袋出現的影像、故事、提醒。

我的經理一如以往的說謊，一如以往的不兌現發了的諾言。說好了六月會出錢給我讀 External Auditor Certificate；今天他又搬出幾條不好聽的理由，再說是為我好，這樣我便沒有機會去讀了。我，亦一如以往的氣餒。其實我太蠢，還相信他。但我就是有種打不平的感覺，我只想拿到我應得的少少。

He has that rich kid's sense of entitlement。這是今天第一個念頭。我不是 rich kid，但我有 sense of entitlement。我還相信半斤八兩。我開始明白為什麼他們唱這首歌時會聲嘶力竭。但這刻，我連發怒的力都沒有。我開始明白什麼是泄氣的氣球。很軟弱。

今天突然給我一個大 project。在人前說得很好聽。說要用我的 expertise，說對公司很重要，非常 appreciate 我，不會忘記這個恩。。。（只差未說要將女兒嫁給我）。當其他人走後，原來是要我影印、打洞、入 binder。四千幾頁，九十分鐘。我肯定我是不開心的。其實我不介意影印，但我不喜歡被騙。

雅各為他外父打工，打了二十一年，頭七年完全被騙，之後工資被改了又改，被玩弄不知多少次。但他結果是，學懂了外父的技量，轉過頭（是廿年之後）反吞了外父的家產。我一直都覺得自己和雅各有少少相似，都是有點小聰明；只是我的骨子沒有他那麼的奸。

下班，下著大雨，好像天正在為我難過。

Anthony-李 常常對我說，人往往就在自己最有信心的地方跌倒。我對自己的辦事能力滿有信心，我現在就在這裡被困住，喘不過氣。

我很燥，要靜下來。我很不快樂，要面對那不快樂。

絀招

高手們，有絕招。令狐沖有獨孤九劍。Steve Nash 都有我真的做不到的 behind the legs cross-over。

低手們，也有絀招。我經理常常說：this is another career limiting move。

有時候我想，我不怕出錯，我不怕嘗試；但我很怕找不到自己的 career advancing move。

---

我問神，我問自己，我在這間公司學到什麼？

除了學到有什麼東西不要做，學到如果我做 supervisor 有什麼不可以說出口，學到如何低裝地擦鞋，學到怎樣偷懶。。。我真的學到什麼？我真的做過什麼？

過了很多天，慢慢地，原來我在這裡，是要學做一個圓滑的人。要學曉欣賞人。最重要的是要學和其他人合作，尤其是當我很不服氣的時候，尤其是當我覺得我可以比他做得更好、但無機會發揮的時候，尤其是當我覺得我不被看重的時候。

在這間公司，被人踩著的感覺很強烈。它不要你的意見，更不要你大學生的意見。它不要你勤力，更不要你後生仔的勤力。（我的同事被比做政府工的更懶惰，但無人理。）它是要你聽話，keep 住做其他人所做的，keep your mouth shut。可能就在這刻，我黑面。

我黑面。今天我第一次發現自己上班時黑面。

可能，過去六個月，我一直都在黑面。

人生第一個 RBI

放工後的起心肝去打 softball。多謝舅父仔和 D2 俾我上場。

Two at bats: 0 of 1, 1 BB, 1 Run, 1 RBI.

這是我人生第一次正式 softball 比賽。

第一個 out。

第一個 walk。

第一個 run。

第一個 RBI。

累人的......

下午送 Tommy 走了。他的皮膚病又差了不少。唉。早上聽牧師的那篇道，我真的有點氣忿。氣忿的是為什麼這種事要發生在我的朋友身上？！為什麼？我想到約伯，想到很多，但我想不到 Tommy 的每一天是怎樣過的。

臨 say goodbye 時，Tommy 媽給了我一個 hug。

---

之後去玩 softball。我應該是全場最差的一個了！哈哈，但玩得很開心。好像把所有不快的東西都放在那個球裡，一點一點的拋出去，再一點一點的打走。在猛烈的太陽下，在發現原來我用左手 bat 比較好時，我想到十幾年前和 Tommy 一起在他家搞笑地花式入樽的情形。

--

之後幾位朋友在我家吃晚飯。

也許心情未平伏，所以沒心情說笑。

-

很累呀。

這種勇氣

已很久沒有跟 Tommy 詳/長/暢談了。以前在溫哥華，常常見面，一切都好像很正常似的，也許因為大家都要正常地過每一天吧。那幾年，從沒有跟他提起過他的病，也許我們覺得這樣對大家都好些，因為大家都不懂怎樣面對。

今晚 Tommy 來到我家。我聽得出一種無奈的孤獨感，一種無奈。身邊的所有人都向前走了，唯獨是他自己停留在那一點。一起長大的所有人都在追尋夢想，都在為生活忙碌，唯獨是他看不見自己的未來。我很想告訴他，他的勇氣是我們無人有的，但我沒勇氣開口。正如，如果患病的是我，也許，我也沒勇氣去面對。

我有一千度近視。剛剛驗完眼，又深了。現在，我有一千五十度近視。我是有一點點害怕。我害怕自己有一天會看不見，我更害怕自己會看不夠。

對所有事情我都很希望和很努力的做到最好。我怕我會浪費機會，浪費時間。但就在這種追求成功 vs 害怕失敗的角力中，我就是失望地有些東西做得不好。對於自己做得好的事情，我總自然的不放在心上，因為覺得沒什麼大不了。但對於做得不好的地方，總是控制不了的責怪，不斷的提醒自己下次一定要成功。有些時候，真的有進步；可惜，在其他時候，會只是"盡了力，多謝參與"。

越想越難堪。（這又是原身家庭的後違嗎？）

大雪

星期四天氣還很好，十七八度，太陽猛烈，差點相信冬天已離去，差點要開箱拿夏天衣服出來試試看。

怎知昨天吃完午餐便下起大雪來。越下越大，越下越多，越來越冷，越來越恐怖。

今天起床，看看窗外已積了一尺多的白雪，加上還不斷飄落的新雪點，突然有種淒涼的冷感。

對不起，我有點 Kobe

我一直都被 Kobe 的能力吸引，但我不喜歡他。我有 Garnett，Iverson，Kidd，Jordan 和 Pippen 的 jersey，但沒有 Kobe 的。

"You could never say that about Kobe; he's too detached, too cut-throat, too willing to roll his eyes and hold an angry stare for that extra second every time something goes wrong."

讀完這，一個閃電打落我個頭，原來我有點 Kobe。

一個晴天、十五度的星期四，我又看清楚自己多一點了。

心平氣和

公司有人仕變動，但不關我的事。

眼見身邊的人個個都心惶惶，其實我都有點點。坦白說，沒工做，怎供樓？

我卻相信，每次當我無助、當我撞上掘頭路、當我走進大霧，每次都帶我走出去的那位，今次仍一樣會帶著我走出去。

晴朗的 Tuesday

昨天下班後去很遠很遠的公司見工。那經理很坦白的說他喜歡我，但現在（半年內）不能請我，因為他剛剛收到通知他的公司正準備被人收購。但原定三十分鐘的 interview 變成九十分鐘，就算他最後不請我，我亦至少認識了一位很談得來的前輩。

今天上班，我經理竟然叫我去做 performance review。他說了很多好說話，但無加薪。Oh well，我都有心理準備，所以沒太多失望。不過前 VP 請我時說肯定會加人工，所以都不能說我沒有被騙的感覺。

整天心情都很好。可能把事情看透了多一點吧。每個月多二百元 chum change，我會快樂些嗎？不會。

說起二百元，今天是 hockey pool 的頒獎日。我當然得到冠軍。獎金，就是二百元。

袋袋平安後，大家有說有笑食 pizza。之後，我去了跑 treadmill。Pizza + Coke + Treadmill = 差點清胃大嘔。開車回家途中有點想死。但回氣後，endorphin 發作，心情開心都不得了。

剛剛好

每過幾個月，就自然的想到我生命中的好。

當我覺得供樓辛苦，突然有朋友說想來住，還說十分樂意煮飯。

中學同學六月結婚，當我正想著去或不去，突然看到機票減價。

當我在經理眼中變成隱型人，有點心灰之際，突然有公司說想 interview 我。

又過了幾個月。再多幾件事，叫我相信，真的沒什麼須要擔心。因為擔心不會令問題消失。快樂的心 + 信心卻令一切都成為美好。

美得剛剛好。

說中文

除了上班或特殊情況外，我是十分不喜歡亦不會跟中文人說英文。

可能是父母的教導。說中文是我們基本亦重要的堅持。我和弟弟在家是不准說英文的。記得弟弟小時後，會因為找不到那個可以表達自己的中文字而發脾氣，但他仍然不放棄，這點是我很佩服的。

又可能是對身邊的人的不滿。有些人因為在英文地方長大，說英文是比說中文容易。所以選易捨難，便自然地跟朋友說英文。亦有些人懂得英文，中文亦不錯，但總會在有他人看到時說英文，好像說英文地位便超然。尤其在香港地鐵和九鐵，我反感了很多次。最可憐的是其實他們的英文只是不錯而已。

---

那我有什麼值得自豪呢？只是說中文罷，有什麼重要？

至少我還有堅持，我亦明白我為什麼要堅持。就是這樣。

莫非要找新工？

上星期約了 Pastor Dan 傾計。我說出我事業上的困難，說我的理想，說了很多。他也說了好多。我看得出他那天很累，亦看得出他是真心聽我這小子說話。他給了很多很寶貴又很實在的意見。最後，他的結論是：1）我真實的老闆不是我公司的新經理；2）我其實不用這麼快便找下一份工。我覺得他說得非常有道理，我亦非常的同意。

（Side track...呀米話 P-Dan 好難約。莫非又是我好彩？）

但這幾天上班，我經理當我完全隱型（這是上星期見 P-Dan 前沒有的），又真是難受。

唉。如果有公司突然請我，那我走？或留呢？

青春

看到識背對白的逃學威龍，第三個大笑位就係肥佬上司說：『我幾時要你的貞操，我淨係要你的青春。』之後周星星就話：『但係，青春同貞操都一樣0甘重要，sir！』

每天上班，都想著一件事。我的青春就這樣耗嗎？無錯，每天都是挑戰，每天都是充滿精力的開始，但每天都是面對同一樣的難題，看上去好像是永遠解決不了的難題，真叫人氣餒。我是明白的。當我 zoom-out，在事業的路程上，這幾個月只是打個噴嗤的時間；幾十年後當我回頭看，這幾個月只是小兒科。但我又真是每天的難過。

感覺像在沙漠跑馬拉松。我能看到終點，但這刻要跑的每一步都是痛苦的呀。

自從炒完大鑊、握手言和後，新經理不再像以往的胡亂開炮，反而變得很低調。低調到對我們變成了 neglect。當我們透明和隱型。沒 project 沒 budget。叫我們無所事事，無表現，什麼都沒有。無加人工，無炒魷魚，什麼都沒有。他一直都想我們自動辭職，這算是變招吧。

每天上班，都想著一件事。我的青春就這樣耗嗎？

手提電話

杏子在 Beautiful Life 裡說：『我知道手提電話的用處了，它是要來取消約會的。』

因為能夠隨傳隨到，所以便輕看它、當冇到。

膨膨膨脹！

團契請前輩來講職場上的困難，十分感謝有眼光和遠見的 Pastor Dan。

但我又覺得有些不妥。

個個前輩都是高級經理/大老闆。個個都是講講0下便自我膨脹。一方面說錢/地位/階級不等於成功，說名利會害你多過幫你。但他們說出每個成功的例子就是自己有多高級/賺多少錢/權有幾大。

Hmmm。。。

也許成功的定義有很多，我都在問自己，我覺得什麼才是成功？代價很重，值得嗎？

悶人

這幾天我聽了好幾遍：『原來你是個悶人。』

因為我愛吃白飯+紅米，所以天天都愛吃白飯+紅米，所以我是個悶人；
因為我愛看電影，所以會買 DVD 回來看很多次，所以我是個悶人；
因為我愛聽她唱歌，所以連續多天讓她漂亮的歌聲在我家飄旋，所以我是個悶人；
因為我愛看書，所以會坐在這裡投入、幻想，所以我是個悶人。
因為我愛吃的零食只有兩種，所以只會買兩種，所以我是個悶人。

真悶人。

哈哈，相反，我相信我是個很有趣的人呢！我的世界刺激到不得了！我的心情是快樂，我的天空是彩色，我的生命是動力！

圖by: 幾米

可惜，你們看不到；可惜，你們不明白；可惜呀，你們。

親愛的美麗的

媽咪：You were very pretty when you were 23。You still are。Everyday you are。

媽Mee：You were very pretty when you were 23。In my heart，you will stay pretty forever。

媽咪：我倆最親密的時候。。。是您耐心的教曉我怎樣踏單車的那一天。是您認真的教曉我講出您名字的那一刻。是您快樂地讓我戴上您眼鏡和您合照。

媽Mee：我倆最親密的時候。。。是您在的士上主動說出您很喜歡我，說我是您契仔的那一段路。 是您帶我去牛頭角看醫生探熱的那一刻。是您捉緊我的手，說我令您很驕傲，說您很抱歉不能開車送我去機場。

媽咪：您記得您是我的媽米嗎？

媽Mee：您記得Mee是因為比契媽親一點，但又不是親生媽咪的媽Mee嗎？

親愛的美麗的，您們是我親愛的美麗的。

今天是很好

今天晚上（應該是剛才）我們做得很好！

比以往我參與的好，好很多。

我們留心，我們同心，我們用心。

Soundroom 的 D2、表哥、WonWon，做得很好！任勞（多勞）任怨（多怨）！

唱歌的 Likgo、E0、I-Ma、`ThonyLee，唱和帶得很好！很投入，很動聽！

一起夾的 Kat、Fai、Law-Wong、Yee、LeeApril，彈得很好！很好很好！我又在你們身上學到很多東西！

很快樂。

練歌是咖啡

為了明天練歌綵排，這是最後一次了。

由十一月開始的慨念，到二月的真實排練，到今天。很快。但又好像時間不夠。還有這些那些練得不好。是因為上了一天的班，所以太累嗎？是這多個星期裡自己沒好好的練集嗎？是壓力太大嗎？

但今晚很興奮的是我們沒有如以往的衰脾氣。練歌（和打籃球）是叫人非常興奮的，但卻沒有團結帶來的快樂實在。永遠都有人彈錯，都有人唱歌走音，都有人搞亂音響，但我相信只要同心，我們必定會做出最好的東西來。

我相信明天。明天會很好。

輪流一場空

Bear Stearns 這樣便玩完了。

好像打機時，突然停電，但之前又冇 save game，變成什麼都沒有，發了一場夢。

人人（報紙，記者，評論，無蝕錢的股民）都幸災樂禍地笑 BS 的員工。笑他們幾千萬的 stock options 全泡湯，笑他們交不起他們那幾千萬豪宅的 mortgage，笑他們被高層騙了。笑笑笑。

隔天，那班員工立刻發揮美國精神，都請了律司，要告 BS。。。

但，那些員工都是 high risk - high return 的專才，入遊戲前都清楚遊戲規則，無得賴地硬。

而那班樂禍的人，是他們妒忌人家以前賺很多錢嗎？是他們的女友被人搶去嗎？

--

原來世界第五大的可以轉眼間便停電熄機； 上年 $170 per share 的今天會變成 $2。

全不在自己掌扼之內。

有什麼，請告訴我，有什麼是永恆、不變的呢？

Huh? Diabetes? Racism?

"The classical triad of diabetes symptoms is: frequent urination, increased thirst and consequent increased fluid intake, and increased appetite. Symptoms may develop quite rapidly..."

Hmm...

Where's the blood test report when you need it the most?

Oh right, I don't have diabetes...I just have the frequent fatigue and easily irritable syndrome.

---

Now isn't this nice? Discrimination exists: Whites vs Blacks, Chinese vs Vietnamese, Everybody vs Natives...etc. Racism exists, just not as prominently. However, I can't believe a well-trained public figure can be this dumb, either lured or deliberate, to produce quotes like these while her leader is in the middle of a presidential race.

Geraldine Ferraro, the only woman to run on a major U.S. party's White House ticket, had said Obama was leading Clinton in the race for the Democratic party nomination for November's presidential election because he was black.

The former congresswoman ignited the flap when she told a California newspaper that "if Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position."

"And if he was a woman he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept," she said.

真的，很想！

六個月前，我十分興幸找到現在這份工。

新工的頭三個月，好像很浪費，好像做了一個很高薪的 admin assistant。每天到在 data entry 和影印機中徘回。每個開了的會、定了的 project 都像做 show，因為無人會 follow up。每天下班，我都期待著同一件事：快點給我一個有經驗、有遠見的新經理吧！跟著我這兩名小丑同事工作，我要發瘋了！

新經理在一月上場。而他又真是一個有經驗、有遠見的。

跟新經理的頭三個月，我好像在看戲，看了一套很低質素的無線劇。煽風，篤背，疾妒，誇大，明爭明鬥。我一直心想在他身上學東西，想在這裡發展我工業安全的事業；被拖進這些風波令我每刻都很低沉。

到上星期四，高潮來，又去。開會後，我真的相信公司會炒人：新經理，或我和小丑二人。

今天，公司決定全部人繼續合作，當無事發生過。在桌上，大家握手言和；在房外，全部人都知道我們不能再合作。The damage is done。而公司這樣做，亦代表了新經理輸了，亦代表了小丑二人贏了，亦代表我又回到每天跟小丑們通處跑的日子。

真的有想過轉工，想遠離惡事。但有聲音對我說：『哪裡都是一樣。連這兩個小丑做的障礙都攀不過，以後怎戰勝世界？』突然，我見到很刺激的挑戰。那聲音又說：『你不是一直都想學做個領袖嗎？現在給你兩個你不喜歡、又只懂吹水和擦鞋的人，看你怎樣？兩個都搞不掂，給你十個、一百個，你必定輸。』還有呢？祂再說：『你看看他說話的技巧。你看看他回應負面消息的能耐。你看看他鼓勵人的力量。』還有呢？祂笑著：『這都夠你玩一排喇！Oh, btw, 讀讀創世記裡約瑟的故事吧。』

人立時變得很興奮，很想開工！真的，很想！

我更想那聲音不斷的對我說話！真的，很想！

Where is, Where did?

So, now that I really want to relaunch my own website. But where did my old one go?

I guess I can always write a new one...but that's hard.

I guess I also can force MikeC to honour his promise to build me one...but that's hard too.

So, since now that I really want to have my own website running, I guess I'd have to find my old one.

Star

James Blunt keeps singing,

He keeps telling me that I am one of the brightest stars.

Maybe so,

Maybe so.

James Blunt keeps singing,

I wish it was my mother and father

instead.

爭取

看上去，很多東西，很多好的東西，是必要爭取的。

學位，成績，轉工，薪金，機會。

幸福？

愛情？

拍拖？

看戲？

晚飯？

號碼？

眼見身邊的人努力地爭取，知道他們是真心的，真心的去尋找一個機會。我的心覺得有種不妥，但又說不出是什麼。

為我流淚的你

昨天辭職後，我逐一跟我的同事們說謝謝和再見。

我的 team 有十一個人。和我相熟的有七個。

我見到他們的眼神，是真心為我高興的。

我永遠都不會忘記 E 和 C，因為在她倆的 cubicle 裡，各自的為我的決定變得眼紅紅，流出淚。我不知我們算不算朋友，亦不知道在她們心中我是個什麼人。但那一刻，我深深的感到她們的不捨得。那種不捨得，由她們的紅眼，穿越空氣，打破了我的心。

為我流淚的你，我想給你一個擁抱。如果我有多一點勇氣。

新小組

今晚，我的新小組到我家吃飯，成了我們第一次的相聚。

很多謝 Lulululu 和 Leone 為我們一早的準備一頓豐富美味的晚餐。Aggie 的曲奇。大家的洗碗。想想，除了點人，我好像沒做什麼。

飯後，很快樂的唱了幾首美妙的歌。



就是這樣，快樂的了。

工工工，暫時不用找。

和那公司於八月廿三號見面，談細節。

共談了差不多一個小時。薪金不高，但夠食夠著夠供樓，我滿足的了。職位不高，但有很大的發展空間和自由度，非常滿足的了。

之後，用了幾日時間去接受。畢竟是自己的目標，達到了，起點。兩年前大學畢業後，立下目標要完成工業安全的學位，之後便要入行，要去改變世界。到了 Calgary，經過一年的下班苦讀，那張沙紙我拿到了。然後便經歷幾個星期的找工/面試/等人請。

今天早上，八月三十號，正式辭職。

九月十八號，我人生便踏入另一階段。

---

到這刻，我還不太相信已發生了的這些事。好像夢一樣。

但我卻完全相信是誰每一天帶領著我，不斷給我力量，默默支持我。

Relativity

我明白為什麼我坐光速飛船旅行，回到地球時我所有朋友家人都已老死了。

我明白為什麼在無聲、無窗口、無震的光速昇降機內，我是不會感到我在昇高。

---

我不明白為什麼他會對我說，全部人都肯定遲五分鐘，所以如果他亦遲五分鐘，他算是無遲到。

我不明白為什麼他會因為身邊大部份人的懶貪奸而覺得自己又懶又貪又奸無問題。

---

一切都是相對嗎？

世界真的無絕對嗎？

蝸牛

（網上流傳的小童話，成為今天的提醒。）

你可知道，蝸牛這種小動物從前不是這個樣子的？

很久很久以前，蝸牛的身體又小又輕，還會飛呢！牠拍一拍翅膀，便可以飛到老遠，比蝴蝶、蜜蜂，甚至蜻蜓，還要飛得快。

在一次飛行比賽中，蝸牛贏了冠軍，得到獎杯一座。

蝸牛得意洋洋，捧着獎杯四處炫耀。牠看見黃牛先生，便驕傲地說：「你看！我這獎杯金光閃閃，多好看！」

不久，牠又遇上烏龜叔叔，嘲笑他說：「這是飛行比賽的獎杯啊！你看我飛得多快！」說着，刻意地拍了拍翅膀。

蝸牛身體軟軟的，整天要捧着獎杯到處去，其實頗吃力，漸漸地，牠飛行的次數愈來愈少，走路的次數卻愈來愈多。慢慢地，牠也習慣了把獎杯頂在背脊的感覺。牠整天捧着獎杯愛不釋手，連晚上睡覺也要把身體鑽進獎杯裏。

日復一日，蝸牛的翅膀終於退化了，再也飛不起，而那笨重的獎杯，卻與身體連了起來。從此，蝸牛便要永遠背負着沉重的殼，在地上踽踽而行。

工工工，繼續在見工，等人請！

八月二號，那份工真的打來，說我是其中一個 final candidate，但因為我年紀細，再加上另一個人有超過十年經驗，所以他們決定不請我。

我不開心了好幾天。

我有能力控制的，我已做到最好。我是輸了在我不能改變的地方。（其實我是認同他們的決定的，因為始終十年經驗就是個 safer bet。）

V 安慰我說，至少我已可以和有十年經驗的人一同做 final candidates，已經很利害的了。

---

之後，八月九號，去見我前上司介紹的那份工。

一切都很好。

直到八月十三好，他 email 給我，叫我不要存太大希望，因為他們請 internal applicant 的機會非常大。

我衷心的多謝了他。

---

同日，八月十三號，另一份新工打來，說要立刻 interview。

這份工，是八月二號不請我的那個經理推薦的。（他真有心！）

我的心很累，不想再見什麼不會請我的工了。你看我的 resume，就知我的底細。如果嫌經驗不夠，沒有十年，你便根本不需要給我 interview。如果你有好多 internal applicants，你亦不需浪費大家時間。

但再想想，每一次見工都是一個機會。如果我沒有在八月二號不請我的那份工的 interview 做得好，肯定不會有明天 interview 的機會。

又要上網 research 了！

---

八月十四號，見工。

如常，一切都很好。

下星期三有消息。

---

八月十五號，昨天那份工找我拿 reference。

是否有機哩？

我很多謝我現在的 supervisor，因為他從不阻止我去找工，因為他認同人是要追尋夢想的。希望他會加點肉緊，幫我說句好話。

但如果到最後，我又是輸了給個十年經驗的人，我都明白。我當然會失望，但我會接受，我亦相信我會有好結果的。

第一次來我家

第一次邀請朋友們到我家。為免什麼誤會，我只了我吃午餐時所見到的人。這樣都算公平呱。



很開心快樂的一個晚上。

Yogurt

If you know the relationship between yogurt and diarrhea, please tell me.

From my personal experience, I think it's direct, proportional, and positive.

工工工，未見成

原本是七月廿四號，但那公司打電話來，說 delay 到八月二號。

我想，他們是不會請我的了。

我想，也許二十多歲的我是未夠能耐擔起這份工。。。

我想，如果他們因為我年青而不請我，因為那個他經驗很多而不請我，這必定是他們的損失。三年之後的我，必定比三年之後的那個他能幹。而我個 curve 的 slope，是必定比他大。我相信。

---

幾日後，我很欣賞的前上司私低下告訴我，他公司請人，叫我立刻 send 個 resume 給他。這個上司，是我三年前做實習時認識的。年青，有頭腦，超級有拼勁，樂於助人，直頭是我偶像。幾年前是個 safety coordinator，之後轉工做了 safety manager，很快便成了 plant manager。

是他教我：有頭腦而勤力的人不多，有頭腦而勤力和有目標的人很少，但他們必定會成功。

亦是他告訴我：doing your best won't guarantee success，doing your best while chasing your dream will。

我想，機會又來了。

Heritage Park 中暑遊

天氣非常好的一天，陽光非常燦爛的一天。

我參加了 party，但又沒有。

早上和 Lulululu 去打掃。見到她的前租客這樣對待她，我真的看不過眼。

---

之後便去了蘇氏家 BBQ。本來諗住去和蘇生打機，本來。。。但結果是吃完、收拾完，才可以玩少少。這個有點失望。但其實這晚我是過得很開心。天氣十分好的傍晚，大家飲飲啤酒，吃吃雞翼，吹吹水，飲飲湯。就是這樣。

這是今晚有的半杯水。

---

今晚無的另外半杯，同樣關於一個夏天發生的 party。

無論如何，我真的想知原因。

但其實，又不算想，因為我的生命太短，時間不是用來浪費的。

睡不著

今日放工時已過了六點，心想，應該早點開工。

回到家後，要 finalize 明天團契帶的歌和兩星期後崇拜帶的歌。由於無 topic，時間又這麼近，所以都有點頭痕，因為不想撞歌或什麼。

有時候，總想收埋一兩首 必hit 的歌做絕招，非到盡時都不用。但總是收不埋，因為好歌，就如好酒，是要分享的。但可惜的是，現在團契的朋友們對音樂的認知還有待進步。每每我們彈得好，唱得好，但就好像他們不太欣賞和投入似的（是我們太孤芳獨賞嗎？）。能夠和懂得的人夾、唱、聽歌，就如打波找到有 chemistry 的隊友一樣，真是會叫人睡不著的。

這幾晚都睡得不好，是什麼作怪呢？

快樂慢慢的回來

過去的兩個月，我知道自己心情非常的差，耐性跌到零，對身邊的人都無什麼禮貌可言。見到什麼看不過的事，我立刻便放箭。

在這兩個月，是我二十多年來第一次有點不喜歡自己。不喜歡脾氣差，不喜歡耐性少，不喜歡我不快樂，不喜歡自己待人的態度，就是有點不喜歡自己。

這種不喜歡而又控制不了的感覺，叫我想起幾位朋友，叫我明白。當時的我不瞭解他們在說什麼，只知道他們是我的真朋友，所以便無所謂。今天，我明白。

突然，快樂慢慢的回到我身旁。

7-21-2007

下晝去補牙。補得很快，補得不痛，所以快樂。

補完牙，買了一支可樂。又冰又涼又甜又怕再要補牙，所以快樂。

之後去了和團契燒0野食。我和 Brother Dragon 起火起得很成功，所以快樂。

弄得我全身是灰，黑色一笪笪，所以快樂。

7-22-2007

崇拜後去食日本0野，好細牒，不算好食，十幾大洋，有點搞笑，所以快樂。

之後大夥兒去食雪糕。我一向都無興趣呢味0野，但心情好，所以快樂。

吃完雪糕，我負責買酒。在酒舖被人查 ID，所以快樂。

因為我剛剛搬了家，車牌被政府沒收了。臨時車牌又沒有相片，所以酒舖怎樣也不肯賣酒給我。他不斷的說看不出我是成年人，所以快樂。

在 LuLuLu 家飲梅酒，所以快樂。

有時間給我小睡，所以快樂。

一大班人 potluck，所以快樂。

7-23-2007

在工作裡再次有力有心做到最好，所以快樂。

感覺到就算那份工不請我也不會叫我不快樂，所以快樂。

---

以上的『快樂』，可以轉成『感恩』，所以我很快樂。

富有

今晚在團契小組吹水時，我想到『富有』。

常常想到，人生就是要追求成功。成功的人就是富有的人。他身高要職，買大屋，買跑車，買名牌，遊歐洲，食龍蝦，用魚翅liu牙。

有能力的人就要做到最好。Uncle Ben 都有教:with great power comes great responsibility。有能力的人就要做到最好、就要揹上重任，因為這是你的責任。

那我的重任是什麼？

是每天和一班中產的年青人吃喝玩樂嗎？是每天看著樓市、股市嗎？是努力想著何時昇職、加薪嗎？是永遠在這個富有的小圈子嗎？

我想，我進入了 The Peter Parker Moment 了。

尋找 vs 改變

耳熟能長（是這樣寫嗎？）的故事：

有一個人不停在尋找適合自己的教會，也不知轉了多少間教會但仍未能找到。有一天他遇到他現在教會的牧師，牧師見他好像有點心煩。
「有甚麼問題沒有，你看起來好像很憂心。」牧師問。
「我正在找一間完全的教會，但找了很久也未能尋見。」那人憂愁地答。
「完全的教會嗎？我們這裡肯定不是！」牧師靜悄悄地說「如果你找到的話，請你也通知我，好叫我也過去聚會。」
「但是，」牧師繼續說「要是你真的找到完全的教會，我看你還是不要去比較好...」
「為甚麼呢？」那人好奇地問。
牧師回答：「朋友，因為如果你去了那教會的話，那教會就不再完全了！」

這個故事，不只在教會見到，亦可以用於男/女關係上。

有人會選擇不斷的尋找完美的，有人卻會用力去改變現狀。

七月廿四，你快點來

第一次一日內有兩個 interview，仲要是吃完午餐後，原先都有點擔心自己會眼訓。

首先是 phone interview。本來 Toronto 的女人話是星期五的，但今日突然打來，說想早點做完 1st round。聽了她的口吻，便知道這個 interview 都是浪費大家時間。其實我和她是談得來的，她亦很熟識這行的運作，所以我也學到一些。不過到最後，雙方都很清楚這是沒結果的。（他們出的薪金太低，根本是想我退出。）

之後的 interview 好很多。這份工亦是我很想得到的。兩個 managers 輪流問了我很多問題，我覺得我答得不錯。我亦問了不少問題，但不知道他們喜不喜歡我，因為我確實是經驗不夠。本應是三十分鐘的 interview，用了足足一個小時。離開時我想，這份工可以學到非常多的東西，亦有很大的責任，就算錢少一些我也肯做。

他們說，請我與否，都在下星期二揭曉。

一是不來。。。

從 NY 回來後，人迷失了。

間中有上網找過新工，但從未認真的。所以全無回音。

慢慢的心情好了。今個星期一深吸了一口氣，對自己說：『是時候向前行了。』

放工後，keyword search 到大慨十份工，報了應該有五份。星期二早上，有 Toronto head office 打來，說想立刻 phone interview，我說未準備好，所以改到星期五。今天（星期三）早上，有另一間公司打來，亦說要立刻 in-person interview，我說我正在上班，不能說走便走，所以改到明天。

當然，這只是 interview。而在電話裡，我有種"揍人數"的感覺，好像要 interview 我來頂 quota。。。

怎樣都好，但這樣的立刻，有點嚇人。

我明天亦會做到最好，叫他不能不請我。

Good read

時代論壇 article by 黃國棟、余創豪

很高興因為我們活在一個自由的社會，可以把自己人的問題在自己人的地方寫出來。

除了這篇文章已提出的之外，我還很記得幾年前，同樣在時代論壇，有另一作者亦作出相似的控訴。叫那作者看不過眼的是一位溫哥華很出名的牧師。當時他標榜自己是博士，四處開講座。有次我聽過他講"創造vs進化"。有點似是而非的感覺。好像他找了幾本創造論的書，和幾本進化論的書，看完 summary，便開講座。

讀過書的人（其實任何人）都會知道，你要去教人，你自己首先要是個 expert。數學 expert 不能教化學，牛腩師傅不能教煮龍蝦，神學博士當然亦無資格去教進化論。In fact, there are multiple theories surrounding evolutionism alone that even scientists who have devoted their entire lives into those subjects don't fully agree upon. How can an outsider who have not studied creationism nor evoluntionism hold a comparative presentation?

終於，這牧師便在香港被人踢爆。

那時有點爭論，有人在網上維護他，怎樣怎樣。

這種 unqualified 去教人的情況在（某些）教會發生，尤其華人教會。他們（教會話事人，或上一輩的）覺得牧師是什麼都懂的。有點神化了牧師。現在這狀況好了些，應該和新一代受過高深教育的新話事人有關吧。

這幾天

1）星期四晚，教會一位年青人，在做最後一份的實習，在 Calgary 的牛仔節，在公司的 Stampede party，被一隻機械牛擊中頭部，第二天便過世。

我不認識他。但他的離世叫我再想起 Danny Jacky 嘉榆 契媽。

更可惜的，是他跟他家人連說再見的機會都沒有。

不想了，太傷心。

2）星期五放工，我公司去了 Cowboy's 來個 crazy open bar party。同事們好像失去理智的狂飲。就算是 open bar，就算是一年一度，都不用這麼失禮。Don't we all know that we should never get drunk in front of co-workers? I guess my company didn't get the memo。。。



我離開時，見到迎面一個 sexy lady 著了一件超細碼 tank top，在上面寫著：It's not cheatin, It's Stampede。

3）星期六看了 The Transformers。

超利害的 CGI，幾段笑位，其他的全是悶場。可能是我從未喜歡過這類型的戲吧。

4）星期日有點害怕上教會。一路上不知要怎面對那消息。崇拜完了，我看到的，是很多流淚，很多擁抱，很多哀痛，全部都是一心的。

但有一件眼yuen事。拍完車後，我看到我前面不遠處的夫婦把剛吃完 McD 的紙袋丟在草地上。我"跟縱"他們，肯定他們入了教會，之後我回到案發現場。



這是他們的車。

seven seven seven

這個 weekend 飛回 Vancouver，主要為了 K&J 的婚禮，次為了探人，次次為了離開 Calgary 一下。

7-7-2007

等了兩年的婚禮給我見証了。由兩年前 呀K 不斷的對我（和所有人）說出他對結婚的看重，每一天都看著他為這個婚禮的努力（一個人做四份工，不是講玩的），到他慢慢的事業上成功，到女方家人的接納，到今天。。。我真的為他倆開心。

很美麗（但很熱）的教堂，漂亮的結婚相，花車，老爺 Rolls Royce。。。

可是，也許，這兩年（或這世人）他太辛苦了，所以他今天表現得有點吐氣揚眉，有點得戚，有幾句說話是 borderline 叫人皺眉頭。想到這裡，心中有點不舒服。

再想想他的婚禮，我直認我覺得自己太重要。坦白說，我覺得我在他心中的地位比我實際在他心中的地位為高（sentence fragment？）也許我只是一個小弟弟，一個聽了他訴苦無限次的人，而不是一個比朋友好一點的朋友。想到這裡，心中有點不舒服。

--

7-8-2007

早上參加了聽聞很久的歌鄰基督教會崇拜。很好的 topic，很好的 singsipration。看得出、感受到他們的投入和用心。

見到很多以前 RCAC 的人。都是不太相熟，點頭、揮手那種。除了 Joyce，我相信她是真的對我好的。

下晝去了 R&Vien 的新居。很高興呢！記得幾個月前，他們還有點為婚後住屋問題有點不清楚，但現在已買了單位了！我很喜歡這新居的佈置，舒服。還有那部 40" Samsung 全白大 LCD，流口水！

之後請了弟弟和 A.Ho 去吃韓國餐。A 是在 SFU 的朋友中對我最好的一個。弟弟是我的唯一一個。人生這樣，夠了。

可惜這個 weekend 無機會好好的和 A 談談。

---

7-9-2007

又去了 那個 outlet。

今次買不到波鞋，但買了幾件 tee 和 cargo shorts 給自己和弟弟。

這一天我感到，第一次，和 V 的家人的"生外"與格漠少了，可以說是變得很小。很舒服。

之後看了 V的姐姐 想買的屋。幾十年舊到不能住的 bungalow，大地，在遠遠的 Coquitlam，要五十多萬，還說是平。唉。

----

7-10-2007

最後一天，開了個多小時車（只是三十公里路），由 Richmond 到 Coquitlam，為了看 Kwik-E-Mart，真的有點傻。但看看拍了的相片，又覺得很值得！

V 說：原來 Ralph 的這麼矮的。



臨上機前，在 Richmond Centre 買了突然半價的 全黑AF25 Supreme，嘩開心。當我要買籃球鞋時買到自己喜歡的，再加上是我可以 afford 得到的，真開心。（其實這對鞋最多只值 $140，跟本不值 MRSP $210。）

很多謝 D 在晚上由機場車我回家。我真的不知怎樣多謝他們這一家。

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回到家裡，有點孤單。

原來就是這樣

剛剛和媽媽傾完電話。

媽媽問我：工作好媽？
我：還不錯。。。
媽：新屋好嗎？
我：都差不多，只是比較亂。
媽：。。。

之後媽媽說 poh-poh 下星期回香港了。她說 pohpoh 說了很多我的好話，怎樣怎樣。她說 pohpoh 十分憎恨 uncle Chiu，她完全的放不低。

我只是覺得很可惜。很很很。不是因為得到癌症，不是因為什麼，而是因為他決定隱瞞令大家浪費了兩個月的時間。那兩個月可以去飲茶，可以去旅行，可以去買送，可以很多。

經已三個星期了，我想，我仍不太接受得到。
原來就是這樣。她這樣便去了。
原來就是這樣。我們永遠也不會再見。
原來就是這樣。我想跟她分享我的成就。我想給她看看我的新屋。我想和她一起笑看二十年前拍的照片。我想送她一部新車。我想她抱抱我的兒女。
（一句我也沒說出口。）

媽：不講喇，要吃麵。

真開心

昨天 viviEn post 了經典 Hi-Liter 上網。

好彩，我那五秒的幕前 cameo 同五秒出聲客串都無失禮街坊！

睇返先記得以前錄音是用 MD 的。

我部 MD 機去了哪？？

真失敗

三星期前報了一份（看上去）很吸引的工。

三星期了都沒消息，應該都無望的了。

今天無意中打開了那份工的 cover letter and resume，先發覺有兩個字串錯！Aiyaya！怎可能的呀！

對自己很失望呀！

不改名的決定 II

當我領略到 SamxxxXXxx 是：

1）父母很遲才生他這個獨子，所以肯定是被縱壞的；
2）無禮貌；
3）目中無人；
4）任性；
5）死於女人手上的傻仔

時，我再沒興趣做他的 name bearer。暗地裡，我有想過改名。

我只記得，漸漸地我不再想改名。我覺得一個那麼失敗的名字就像一條拔不走的刺，每天的弄痛我，每天的提醒我。

尤其是關於女人。

這個名提醒我不可走在街上便隨便的被美色迷住（可以被吸引，但不能迷），
他又提醒我不可嫖妓（我暫時沒這個興稚）；
他更提醒我千萬不要搭上貪錢、無腦、不斷囉嗦、死纏難打、終日哭哭涕涕的麻煩女人。

因為一旦搭上，便只有死路一條。

不改名的決定 I

一切由小學開始。

上英文堂，老師要我們改英文名。學校說，在英文的世界一定要有個英文名。所以，我們這班七、八歲的小朋友，便展開我們尋名之旅。其實，我們對英文名的認識，只限於課本上的 Peter, John, Mary, Siu Ming...或者電視/電影裡，所以有同學叫 Rambo。又或者是從哥哥/表姐那裡，所以會有 Leslie, Alan, Anita, Danny。

而那時的我，選名的第一大點就是一定不能和同班同學同名。就算是我先叫了 David，如果有個茂李又叫自己做 David，我便改名。就是這個超愚蠢的決定，所以我有過無數的名: David, Alex, Ricky, Rocky(好打)...等等。何況老師準許我這無聊的行為，所以便好像一期一個名似的。

直到四年班，某次踢足球的朋友說他爸爸原本想叫他 SamxxxXXXxx，我聽了便立刻喜歡這個名了。SamxxxxXXx 好呀，因為我偉大的學校裡沒有人叫 Samxxxxx。我這足球朋友之後好像叫了 Pierre。

---

很快便移民加拿大。

都覺得這個名不錯。好聽得來，又從來不會撞名。

直到在教會裡的 uncle & aunties 開始講笑，我才開始對這個名產生興趣。

原來 SamxxXXxx 不是一個豬肉佬半夜在九龍城作出來的，而是實有其人，還是名人！

---

到了大學，我第一次有改名的念頭。

因為 Samxxxxxxx 的故事我在聖經裡重覆讀無數次，我很清楚他是個名人，是個超班的失敗者。

斷尾。愛

第一次聽方大同的愛愛愛便很喜歡。但那天我們決定愛愛愛跟斷尾其實是同一首歌。

今天，無意中給我看到。完來是真的。

真的希望這是巧合。方大同的地位在我心中是不低的。

In the Bedroom

數年前看 In the Bedroom，看不明。所以不喜歡。不明白為什麼兩夫婦的關係會因為兒子之死而變得冰凍。

但我卻很記得電台的影評 Alex 說這套戲真實、感人。

今天不用上班，呆再家中，腦袋不斷的有林海峰說著：
...一個晚上一個人0個向床上面
查住個搖控不停咁轉台　食0左兩粒安眠藥
跟住點起支薄荷煙
然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...

...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...

...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...

我沒有睡眠的問題，
我沒有吸煙的型格，
我亦沒有流淚。

--

想起來，做電台已是五、六前的事，而 Alex 我還從沒見過面。

十年

十年

人人都在說十年。

Wy文，E-神，CC，千fa + 雷仲得有個十年音樂會。我在等 DVD 出。（會嗎？）

星期X檔案和鏗鏘集就做回歸十年特輯。這次要多謝 BT。

---

今天跟一位和我有十年的朋友重聚。

原來經已十年（或是更長呢？）。懷念有些，可惜有些，親切有些，奇怪有些。

懷念過去一起有過的回憶：去教會時差點撞車，她表哥的衰史，她去 Toronto 前洗車，錄音帶，還有我傷害過的那個女孩...

她的大笑仍在，數量少了，天真少了；她的美麗仍在，十年後的臉孔，躲在化妝品後，已看不到那親切的小斑點了。

可惜是她為何放棄辛苦多年的學位？

奇怪地有點興幸當年沒有喜歡過她，十幾歲時的我的 quota 已滿，沒有位子傷多一個好女仔。何況她追求者眾，根本未輪到我。今天再見，只覺大家走的路很不同，已分開很遠。

她繼續每天的見証這個世界，
而我亦在這裡背負很多個萬的債。

越想越無謂

今日和 praise team 夾歌。

由於尋日打籃球打散了兩臂，所以彈結他無力。

今日亦終於見了傳聞中的未來李太。希望以後有機會一齊夾歌。

夾歌時有不快的事情發生。但練完歌後，她立刻打電話給我們道歉。我十分十分的佩服這性格。

下次再夾過吧！

--

I believe in every situation, there needs to be a leader. To make the final decision. To make tough decisions.

I assumed that somebody has been appointed leader, therefore I didn't do/say anything. But maybe, today showed, that we all just "assumed".

I always have the urge to take control.

I think this is my biggest character flaw. (If I was a Shakespeare character, I would be killed by it.) I want to take control. When the situation seems to be wandering, I just want to grab the steering wheel and drive. Sometimes it's good, other times ppl think I'm rude.

Oh well, not that I really care...

Another character flaw! No love from Mr. Lui!

還要我上毒品課？

下晝打了三個多鐘籃球。遲是遲了些，但現在我真的是愛上籃球。我開竅了。

但愛上不等於時時刻刻都想著籃球。以前天天打籃球時，是愛上和好友一起的時光。現在一個月打一兩次，是真的愛上。

可是身體差了，打完一次每件肌肉都酸、每條筋都差點兒抽，要很多天才能復完。

是 timing 吧？

晚上到馬家吃 burgers 和 腸仔。喝完啤酒，看門徒。

整體感覺像看 Discovery Channel。很學術性。

而那幕發夢的性交很恐佈，我什麼幻想都沒有了。

這套戲沒有以往看爾東昇的戲所擁有的感動。

回家路上，有點兒空虛。

那三句話

"好開心可以見到你。"

"我好開心你專登飛來探我。"

"對唔住，我唔可以車你去機場，媽meee 送唔到你機喇。"

NY Day 7: Hospital

KaiMa has been in and out of hospitals since the discovery of her liver cancer in March.

Her family doctor told her she can stay home for as long as possible. Because hospitals in the States are free, also because she needs family time more than hospital time.

She is very fortunate as Uncle's medical insurance covers 99% of her med costs. Her monthly medicine bill is around $7500 US, her hospital room costs $1300 per night. It made me think about Canada, about our public health care system. I often complain of the sales tax, the property tax, the income tax, the investment tax. But I can't even fathom the idea of having/paying that much for medical treatment.

Tonight, KaiMa's condition took a nose-dive. Her skin turned yellow, her eyes turned yellow, both of her legs had massive swelling. Uncle "rushed" her to the hospital in Manhattan. Well, he tried to rush...since it was during rush hour, and a normal 35min drive turned into 75minutes.

We went to the hospital about 2 hours later. Por Por heated up some food (brilliant idea suggested by Mr. Lui), Son#1 took the baby, and we all went there. For me, the car ride was beautiful but long. The NY night scene is nowhere close to what HK can offer, but still we passed by many many famous landmarks.

I saw KaiMa, on her bed, unit #7 of the Urgent Care room. Exhausted. She grabbed my hand, and began to weep.

She said,
"I'm very glad to see you."
"Very happy to have you fly all the way here."
"I'm sorry I won't be able to drive you to the airport."

Those were the 3 lines she spoke before the others arrived and started to talk.

That was (probably) the final moment we would share in our lifetime (barring miracles).

We left the hospital after 2 hours.

And at 5:00am, I arrived at the airport, and said goodbye to this week-long life-altering experience.

NY Day 6: 20 years

Today I didn't even step one foot out the front door.

I sat and read "When your doctor has bad news". A very informative and nicely written book I borrowed from Lucia.

---

After dinner was over, Son#1 installed this sonic pulse machine he bought for KaiMa. I asked what it was. He explained every person has some sort of electrical field, and when the field is disturbed we get ill. By shooting sonic pulse directly at the area of pain, the electrical field would be restored and the person would get better. (When he said electrical field, I immediately thought of the Right Thumb Rule.)

I checked this machine. It consists of one battery pack, a little black box, and the barrel. The black box produces this tick-tick sound, and the barrel shoots a red light. My little brain told me this is nothing more than a gigantic lazer pointer with a metronome. But seeing their enthused faces, I kept silent.

Then uncle came and tried to manuver the machine. He quitely shot some degrading words at Son#1 in the lines of "dumb and stupid". That's when things got out of hand.

They shouted at each other, raised their voices, cursed at one another and at the end punches were almost thrown if Son#2 didn't step in. Uncle left the house, and basically said he will never be home if Son#1 is around. KaiMa cried. Little baby cried. I was in shock.

After things cooled down, Son#1 fumed that he has hated his father for 20 years. Por Por said she has hated her son in law for 20 years. KaiMa has stuck between all this for 20 years.

For 20 years.

NY Day 5: You choose your girlfriend

Today I did nothing.

I woke at 10am, had breakfast, sat around, had lunch, sat around some more, took a nap, had dinner, and now writing this blog.

I felt this trip not only gives me an opportunity to be with my KaiMa, it also provides me a week of much needed break. I've been going all out since May2006. Moved from Van-->Cal, started new job, adapted to new life at new city, finished my certificate in 2 semesters, moved...I longed for a week of doing nothing. Now I have it. Planned or not.

This afternoon, while looking out the window, I felt peace. The weather was perfect, the humidity was perfect, the pollen level was perfect. I haven't done any sightseeing this time around in NY, and I don't need to.

---

For dinner, the whole family (minus uncle, who was at work) went to this Chinese restaurant. Since there were 2 white girls, we sort of ordered "gwai lo food". Sweet and sour pork, friend chicken, and the sorts. Still S1W didn't eat any, and she ordered a fried rice all for herself.

However, the only thing that got onto my nerves was Son#2. Again! During the entire dinner, he served, served, his girlfriend while completely neglected por por and KaiMa. If he would kneel on the floor while serving he would've received perfect marks.

I tried to tell him to help por por get food. KaiMa knew of my angry eye, and said, "Suen La, he chose her to be his gf, he didn't choose me to be his mom."

Anyway, Ah Mui's husband is a real funny man. Although his voice is similar to a male-Cecilia Cheung as he drinks and smokes too much.

NY Day 4: I know

This morning, KaiMai felt good, which was rare.

For the past few days, she has always been sleepy. The medication, the cancer, the pain, the poor appetite don't energize you like a Red Bull does. I've asked her many times if she wants me to push her outside, to a park, to get some fresh air. Every time she said no.

Today, she agreed.

As we strolled around the neighbourhood, we didn't talk much. I sensed there was something missing. She met some friends on the street, they stopped and chatted. You can tell KaiMa is a good person the way her friends treat her. We visited every grocery store because she wanted to get some "club cheese". We didn't find any. She was disappointed as if the only remaining wish in her is to find club cheese. I asked her if she craved this cheese that I've not heard of, she replied, "no, I hate cheese. But my grandson does."

Then KaiMa called Son#2 and asked of his whereabouts. (She does it constantly, calling her sons many times a day just to hear their voices.) She then asked him to drive her to buy a new fan, the tower style that's so popular these days. As we entered the store, we saw at least 10 tower fans. Son#2 immediately disappeared to check out the iPods with the Irish Boober. I asked KaiMa which fan she liked the most. She told me to grab Son#2 to choose one for her.

I waited outside. (I saw this flyer, this store is selling the Sharp Aquos 37" 1080i for $1000 US. The cheapest I've seen in Canada is $1400 Cdn at Costco. OH man, if only I could bring a TV onto a plane. And economists are saying the Cdn dollar will be on par with the US dollar by 2009!)

As I was waiting, I saw this couple on the street. They were checking out air conditioners. I saw from her eyes and she loved to be with him. I saw from his body language that he wished she was the real love. The real love that lives in his heart. The real love that is not the one holding his arm.

Then I saw myself.

No matter how hard I try, I'm not the person KaiMa needs the most. It's her sons. Her 2 precious sons who haven't spent much time and energy with her.

I know.

NY Day 3: 2 Become 1

Before I arrived, I thought KaiMa's family had already knew of her situation. Today, I found out that they didn't. They haven't asked the doctor many (or any) questions, and unfortunately, the doctor never told them anything important.

All they know is her cancer is at phase 4. It is terminal. It is in her lungs and spine.

When I asked them of her treatment options, they don't know. Expected outcome? Don't know. Treatment length? Don't know. Side effects? Don't know. What they know is they're trying everything. She sees this cancer doctor at the hospital, also sees this Chinese doctor at Chinatown; she takes many pills and pain killers everyday, and drinks bowls of Chinese herbs. They haven't discussed any of this to her doctor in any detailed manner.

I tried to suggest a reasonable way to approach this cancer. I even wrote down a list of questions to ask the doctors. She didn't want to hear. Por por didn't want to hear. Uncle said outright that KaiMa will be cured after the summer's over, so we don't need to waste much energy. So I asked Son#1. Son#1 either didn't understand my questions, or didn't understand why I would ask those questions, so he went his way. I can see that he's trying. But unless you ask the doctor educated and scientific questions, he will never give you a straight answer! Ah I was ready to pull my hair out.

They have been lead to many different paths. Since they're not dedicated to any, none of the treatments have had much success. I told them buying medicine from a newspaper advertisement with anonymous testimonials is not a good decision. I wanted to explain the process of scientific research, peer reviews, medical testing, etc etc. But I could see from all of their eyes that they didn't want any of this.

All they want is revert back to The Matrix.

All they want is continue with what they're doing now. Fighting everyday; yet blindfolded so they somehow do not have to see the reality, and they sort of expect she will be cured in 2 months.

This reminds me of the movie "2 Become 1". After hearing she was diagnose with breast cancer, Miriam didn't want to face it. She decided to flip the coin. "Head means I'll be cured, and Tail means I'll be cured immediately."



------

In the afternoon, Son#1 invited me to his buddy's pool party. There was no swimming (which was a good thing, cuz all the girls there were u-g-l-y.) But man, the host was rich. I think the house was about 4000 sq ft, made with complete marbles! Floor, all walls, ceiling, sink, all complete marbles. The downside: the house was a bit cold to the touch.

The host's father is a surgeon.

Another reason to go to school.

Well, if you don't have a rich dad and wish to a mansion someday.

---

I began to think about my purpose in NY.

Am I here to spend one week of family time with KaiMa?

Am I here to share with her the gospel?

Am I here to help them with my school knowledge?

What?

Tell me!

NY Day 2: Friends

After shopping, we took a short nap at home, and headed to a BBQ at KaiMa's friend's place.

Her friends love her. They care. I felt it with my eyes, my ears, my heart. Today was the 1st time in my life that I've felt this way. And the love was not for me. My eyes had a little moisture.

The hosts are a young (late 30s) couple. Man was from Vietnam, Woman from HK. They treat KaiMa better than I could ever imagine. They treat her 100x better than I can. Man is called "Gong Suk", Woman "Gong So". Of course.

As stories go, they have no kids. All of Gong Suk's 3 brothers cannot have children. KaiMa and por por kept telling me how unfair the world is for the nicest couple to not be able to have kids. (Speculation is during the Vietnam war, Gong's family fell victim to Agent Orange. Ahh Americans.)

I thought of Elizabeth,
I thought of Abraham,
I thought of talking to KaiMa about God.

NY Day 2: The Matrix

Having lunch at a Cha-chaang-teng was fun. Food was cheap and delicious, and it was nice for KaiMa to spend some time away from her house. It was nice for her to be normal again.

After lunch, we went shopping. She bought some clothes for little baby, and a pair of stretchy pants for herself. And it struck me.

It wasn't then until I realized how much she has aged. She isn't 25 anymore. No matter how many times I've seen her after she has past age 25, in my mind, she has always been the young woman who took care of me when my head was inappropriately big compared to my body size. Today, pushing her semi-wheelchair, I saw a fragile woman.

A fragile woman who isn't accepting the facts. (Maybe that's a good thing?)

She asked me my impression for Son#1's wife (let's call her S1W). I gave her the obligatory white lie, "Oh she's nice." Then she cut me off as I began my uncontrollable rant. She told me S1W is a good girl, she's from a small town, and she's friendly and caring. (I wanted to interrupt but she cut me off again.) She said the reason why she often neglects her son is because couple years ago, S1W was bitten by some unknown wild animal while back in Arkansas, and now S1W is sort of ill and sometimes cannot take care of a little baby.

I was taken back by her words. As I continued pushing, I looked at the back of her head, and I saw a loving mother who is beautifying her world to make it more acceptable. I wanted to tell her what I saw. I wanted to tell her S1W said more than nth times in front of my face that she is very frustrated at the baby and doesn't want to care anymore.

I wanted to.
But what for?

KaiMa is a very good person. She's fighting. The truth is, phase 4 cancer in your lungs and spine is terminal. The truth is, she will die soon. Chemo, Chinese herbal medicine, radiation, ginseng, whatever whatever will help, but won't cure. The truth is, S1W is not a good mother. The truth is, I wanted to yell and beat up Son#2 today. But She IS fighting and living everyday. The last thing she wants to hear is my opinion.

If ignoring the truth can keep her happy,
She's very delighted to stay inside the Matrix.

NY Day 1: 1 cup happy, 2 tps bitter, 3 L anger

Thank you Biu Goh (aka Wayne) for giving me a ride to the airport. What friends are for. (Every time I think about this, I am very thankful that everywhere I go, I meet generous ppl.)

When I arrived at the airport, it was empty. I expected the airport at 915am on a Saturday morning to be busier than a completely empty Air Canada line-up. For 3 opened counters (NY, LA, Cancun), I was the only customer. I didn't complain.

Same thing through the customs area. Actually, the entire airport was pretty quiet all the way. I mean, all the way to JFK in NY. I mean, all the way to my Kai Ma's house. Smoother than a pretty girl's skin.

After my arrival though, things got a little bit sour.

They were waiting for me for dinner. The food wasn't great, I guess por-por wasn't in the mood of cooking. Kai-ma husband not in the mood of eating. Son #1 didn't come home (more on him later), Son #2 brought huge boobs gf (more on him now).

Son #2 and his Irish boober gave me a ride home. They stayed for dinner, she even tried the unpronounceable Chinese food. However, they left w/o talking to Kai-Ma. I later learned from por-por that the Irish boober has total control of Son #2. He rarely spends time at home, she doesn't let him. (Time for Chinese wisdom: Dumb man lets woman pull him by his nostrils.)

Son #1 hooked with an Arkansas girl 3 years back. After the hook-up, a baby was born (more about him later). Neither of them did much schooling, both aren't smart. Their lives consist of drinking, clubbing, and dumping their son at KaiMa's place whenever they feel like, which is unamazingly frequent.

Little baby is almost 3 now. Very smart kid. Very cute and lovely. He speaks Chinese very well, and he automatically switches to Eng when he sees white ppl. Even I can't do it that quickly. He's extremely active, and desperate of love. I guess if my parents constantly abandon me, I would be as insecure as he is. Simply put, he must be accompanied at all times.

After the son-abandonment episode at 1045pm, I suggested that I follow Son #1 and catch up. (Actually, the evil part of me wanted to know what happened to Son#1, and wanted to learn about his wife.) The 5 of us (me, Son#1, wife, wife's friend, Son#1's colleague) went to a bar. The four of them aren't talkative, just standing there in the middle of the bar. Aimless drinking, mindless conversations. After 3 hours, we left and went to a diner. Again, stupid dialogues went on and on. I'm pretty good with conversing with strangers, but tonite, I didn't have much to say. At 3am, I arrived home. All thru the 5 hours, I kept saying to myself, "so you chose this over your son? The son who cries real tears every time you close the door on him? You chose this over your son?!?!" Oh his wife is pretty hot, pretty good looking, very foul mouth, pretty dumb, and doesn't smoke.

Needless to say, I was pretty angry. Angry at Son#2, angry at Son#1, angry at my KaiMa for spoiling them, angry at myself being so helpless.

My KaiMa's condition is better than I expected. (In my mind, I thought I would be seeing a dried human body who can barely talk.) She can walk, actually, limp. She can talk. She can think. She can eat (soft food). She is optimistic. She is fighting. She is very happy to see me. On the flip side, she's in constant pain. She can't move her left leg much. The cancer has spread to her lungs and spine. The cancer is stage 4, serious stuff.

I just convinced (or beg) her to leave the house with me. (Her family never takes her out except to the hospital.) I also asked KaiMa husband (expert mechanic) to modify her walker-seater for her so she can sit comfortably when outdoors. In 10 minutes, we'll be heading to a Cha-Chaan-Teng. "We" means (me, KaiMa, KaiMa husband, and por-por. Irish boober directed Son#2 to Bronx, and Son#1 is touring Manhattan with wife and her friend.)

I feel a very bitter happiness.

Let's not talk about it

Dad passes the phone immediately to my mom.
Mom ends the phone calls very quickly, right before the topic comes up.
Uncle Chiu keeps saying "It's OK it's OK it's OK" when she's not OK.

I've read many books about Death.
I've watched movies about Death.
I've had friends pass away.
I'm not scared of Death.

Just don't want to see loved ones dying.

Death is romantic. Funerals, b&w pictures, tears, hugs, flowers, stories.
Dying is unbearable. Medicine, pain, time, tremors, money, foul smell, weak.

Just don't want to see loved ones dying.

(I think mom&dad won't fly to NY as planned.)

Just don't want to see loved ones dying.

Interview with an incompetent HR clerk

Yesterday was interview day. 2 supervisors, and 1 incompetent HR clerk.

My mind wasn't in the whole competition. I didn't even sign up. Not all that interested in a promotion these days.

I think I did a pretty good job during the 40minute bs session. Well, now that it's over, I'm not one bit happier or looser than yesterday.

What happened yesterday (the interview), or tomorrow (whatever it might be), gets overshadowed by the inevitable. The cloud above, the flipping calendar, the countdown.

Time snails by very slowly when days are dry, I wonder if it can crawl any slower than this; yet
time flies by very quickly when it's "boarding the plane day", I wish I can stop it right now and never have to go to NY and I can watch Spiderman 123 once more.

Oh, going back to the incompetent HR clerk, she was just there to stare and blink. (Maybe I should type this in Chinese instead.)

Workaholic Overtimilitis

Avoiding, I've been avoiding.

Avoiding time spent alone,
avoiding questions,
avoiding the feeling,
avoiding God,
avoiding facing.

This past week, I've been doing unreasonable amounts of overtime. I stayed till 5, then 6, today I left work at 7. I would've stayed longer if not for the scheduled system shutdown.

There're lots of work to do, my excuse. My team already knows I'll be away next week, they will cover for me. I just wanted work to numb my mind, I guess.

Leaving the office, my mind is so exhausted;
After dinner at home, I'm spent.

No energy to think,
to talk,
to feel.

For the first time in my life, I'm not happy.

They tell me it's summer...

...and i woke up to this.

Am I doing myself service?

I know I'm worried.

But still, I have work to do, I have a car to drive, I have duties to fulfill. I can't just sit and surround myself with an aura of sadness!

But it's weary. It's wearing me down.

I lose focus at work. Seem disinterested. Just dragging along.

Who says you're not going on a shopping trip?

I know my co-workers aren't my friends. (Well, except for Edith, who is very nice to me.)

Maybe it's the nature of the job, or maybe it's just human nature, I find our colleagues are very speculative of each other. When somebody calls in sick, we immediately associate the sickness as a pretentious one, that the person merely wanted a long weekend. When somebody comes in late, it's because he's lazy. When somebody is allergic to bananas or perfume, it's because she's lying to catch attention.

As I shared the horrible news with my teammates and my sup, some "are you ok"s came my way. Today, the attitude morphed into, "so you're getting a week of? so you're flying to NY? how do I know you didn't make the whole story up and this NY thing is just a shopping spree?"

I know my co-workers aren't my friends. I wasn't hurt by their lack of sympathy; rather by our own states of mind that everybody is only out to get his benefits, and nobody is trustworthy.

Horror

I never answer my cell phone at work. Today I did. And it brought me horrible news.

My godmother, my dear Kai-Ma, who lives in NY, called me, and calmly told me she was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Emergency surgery was performed in March. A recent follow-up confirmed the cancer has indeed spread to the lungs and bone marrow.

---

I didn't know what to do or how to react.

I took a long walk along the river. My mind was running blank. At the end of the walk, I entered a salon to have a haircut; later, I had McD for lunch.

I finished the working day. Looking at the monitor, looking at my cell phone, 6 hours after I first heard the news, I wanted to believe that it was a dream. A day-dream. That everything was made up, and everything is now fine and dandy.

I tried to act normal at work, during dinner, during fellowship. Not that I was faking it. I just didn't know what to do. Never have I experienced this. My heart asked, "should I be in sorrow? Or should I be optimistic? should I joke around? or should I weep?"

---

I'm planning to fly to NY soon.

In the meantime, until I have confirmation of a pessimistic outcome, I have decided to live a normal life. Continue to work, to watch to NBA, to play ball, and to feel the sadness that looms.

Later and later, lately

When I first started my job, summer of 2006, I woke at 615am and arrived at work at around quarter to eight.

Fast forward to Christmas month, and my regular arrival time became 815am.

Just this past week, living in my new home, my current arrival time is around quarter to nine.

---

I even brought up the idea of "flexible work hours" with my boss during our mid-year performance review session.

he took the offer, shot a joke back at me, and we parted ways.

he didn't promise me anything; he also didn't ban me from doing so.

We both came out satisfied.

One year anniversaire

If me not mistaken, today is the one year anniversary of my new life in C-town.

I'm not a "what-if" person, but on this issue, I often ask myself.

I ask what if, in 2005, I chose to work for the ergonomic research firm in U of Michigan instead of the Health & Safety job in Toronto. Would I have settled in the States instead (and earn almost double salary)? Well no idea. But I definitely would not have made friends with all my TO buddies, reunited with Jai + Ling + Stephy, or gotten the Calgary job I have now.

Then, upon my graduation in 2005, what if, I accepted the Masters degree offer in HK? Would I have stayed and finished it? Well maybe. In my 2 months vacation, I felt a strong connection with my birthplace, I felt a desire to live with (or close to) my parents. I missed them, I missed my childhood friends. But then, I've never entertained the thought of working in HK.

After I returned to Vancouver in Feb 2006, what if, I caved in to the pressure of finding a job fast, and not stuck to my goal of landing a job in my field? Would I now be working for eBay, PayPal, or HSBC as a bank teller (and make enough to only feed myself once a day)? Very likely. I was so soo sooo close to giving up, albeit it was only after 1 month of job search. But I didn't, because somewhere deep inside, I felt I was destined for something else (or just that I was arrogant as usual).

Then after Calgary made me this nice offer to move to C-town, what if, I didn't accept it? I worked in C-town once before. I liked my friends; but not the city, not the atmosphere, not the environment. If I didn't take that job, I definitely would not be in my new home blogging right now. If I didn't take that job, I would not have left my city and my closies behind. It's tough. But then, if I had stayed, and not found a good job, would I deem myself a failure? Or just like every other ordinary body that's paying $1.30 per litre gas in beautiful Vancouver? Maybe. Or I might just move back to HK then.

Now that I'm here, I ask, when will I study for my M Deg? Will I ever move back to V-City? Or HK? Or be in the same city as my parents?

Or own a Porsche? M3? How about my Audi RS4 wagon? And my gigantic house?

Hmm.

What happened after the rant?

Today was our performance-interview-white rat day.

We sang well, we played well, we did well.

My guitar rhythm didn't match with Yee's piano. We played very nicely individually, but our products didn't mesh. I guess we needed a pair of expert ears during our practice. The church's sound system simply wasn't good enough for us to hear all instruments while we were playing. The sad thing is, the audience could.

Anyway, now that the interview (not that it was an interview, since there was no way we wouldn't be in) was over, I learned a lot more about this church's sound system, and how to play with a strong piano player, especially for fast-paced songs. This is the one thing I found most satisfying.

March 13 Rantness: Unacceptable

1) I asked N to grab me my pair of gloves. 2 pairs were sitting happily on my desk. When she appeard, she brought back one of each pair. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Oh, I couldn't find the correct pair, so here you go, hehe."

2) I asked E if I could borrow some music books, since I need to lead a singspiration very soon. She said, "Yeah, I'll find you when I'm done with this." (She was working on something.) After 30min, she didn't find me. So I went to find her. She has already went to bed and fell asleep.

3) As for the upcoming singspiration, I am partnered with another E. E2 informed me about this arrangement last Thur. Since this week I have night class on Tues and Wed (final exam), I scheduled myself to find the songs on Wed night, that would give me enough time to study and prepare the songs. After work today, E2 called me, and urgently said I must give her the songs tonite, because she'll need to pass the songs to somebody else by Wed afternoon.

So basically, she had the entire week to tell me, but somehow told me by the last second?
I hope she didn't find out about the deadline any earlier that I did, because the E2 i know isn't such irresponsible.

I told her my class ends at 9pm, I'll get home at around 930pm, finish dinner at 10pm, and I'll find my song and call her before 11pm. When I called, I was directed to voice mail. Great.

4) Work is hectic as usual. I can't say I have "too much work". But my team does have about double the workload of the next team. We all earn the same dough, we all get judged by the same standards; unfortunately my team is not getting any relief. What I'm seeing is, ppl from other teams get promoted because they produce high quality of work; while veterans on my team get stuck because they're bombarded with work.

5) Freak accident today while driving. Now my car atenna cannot retract. Great.

6) The Canucks got "gum-ed" by the Wild. Starting the 3rd period, when they played "not to lose" and stopped attacking, I knew the game was over.

7) It started to snow suddenly yesterday. It continued all throughout the night. Whenever there's snow on the road, no matter the situation, the traffic moves to a crawl. Primary reason is a few drivers are too scared to drive faster than 30km/hr. They should be ticketted too.

My belief is, if you can't drive at a normal speed, get off the road! Take the bus!

---

I know I like N, E, and E2. They're all very nice, and very nice to me.

I also like my job, driving, and the Canucks.

I am just ticked that sometimes they behave that way. That's all.

---

Another one of my beliefs: to know the person, it's best to see him/her play sports, or gamble with money, or do small chores.

---

A lot of ppl commented the reason Tiger Wood and MJ are so successful is they never speak their minds. You never know whether Tiger was happy or angry, whether he supports the war or child labour, whether he likes sushi or steak. Never.

I'm getting less popular by the second.