剛剛和媽媽傾完電話。
媽媽問我：工作好媽？
我：還不錯。。。
媽：新屋好嗎？
我：都差不多，只是比較亂。
媽：。。。
之後媽媽說 poh-poh 下星期回香港了。她說 pohpoh 說了很多我的好話，怎樣怎樣。她說 pohpoh 十分憎恨 uncle Chiu，她完全的放不低。
我只是覺得很可惜。很很很。不是因為得到癌症，不是因為什麼，而是因為他決定隱瞞令大家浪費了兩個月的時間。那兩個月可以去飲茶，可以去旅行，可以去買送，可以很多。
經已三個星期了，我想，我仍不太接受得到。
原來就是這樣。她這樣便去了。
原來就是這樣。我們永遠也不會再見。
原來就是這樣。我想跟她分享我的成就。我想給她看看我的新屋。我想和她一起笑看二十年前拍的照片。我想送她一部新車。我想她抱抱我的兒女。
（一句我也沒說出口。）
媽：不講喇，要吃麵。
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
不改名的決定 II
當我領略到 SamxxxXXxx 是：
1）父母很遲才生他這個獨子，所以肯定是被縱壞的；
2）無禮貌；
3）目中無人；
4）任性；
5）死於女人手上的傻仔
時，我再沒興趣做他的 name bearer。暗地裡，我有想過改名。
我只記得，漸漸地我不再想改名。我覺得一個那麼失敗的名字就像一條拔不走的刺，每天的弄痛我，每天的提醒我。
尤其是關於女人。
這個名提醒我不可走在街上便隨便的被美色迷住（可以被吸引，但不能迷），
他又提醒我不可嫖妓（我暫時沒這個興稚）；
他更提醒我千萬不要搭上貪錢、無腦、不斷囉嗦、死纏難打、終日哭哭涕涕的麻煩女人。
因為一旦搭上，便只有死路一條。
1）父母很遲才生他這個獨子，所以肯定是被縱壞的；
2）無禮貌；
3）目中無人；
4）任性；
5）死於女人手上的傻仔
時，我再沒興趣做他的 name bearer。暗地裡，我有想過改名。
我只記得，漸漸地我不再想改名。我覺得一個那麼失敗的名字就像一條拔不走的刺，每天的弄痛我，每天的提醒我。
尤其是關於女人。
這個名提醒我不可走在街上便隨便的被美色迷住（可以被吸引，但不能迷），
他又提醒我不可嫖妓（我暫時沒這個興稚）；
他更提醒我千萬不要搭上貪錢、無腦、不斷囉嗦、死纏難打、終日哭哭涕涕的麻煩女人。
因為一旦搭上，便只有死路一條。
Friday, June 22, 2007
不改名的決定 I
一切由小學開始。
上英文堂，老師要我們改英文名。學校說，在英文的世界一定要有個英文名。所以，我們這班七、八歲的小朋友，便展開我們尋名之旅。其實，我們對英文名的認識，只限於課本上的 Peter, John, Mary, Siu Ming...或者電視/電影裡，所以有同學叫 Rambo。又或者是從哥哥/表姐那裡，所以會有 Leslie, Alan, Anita, Danny。
而那時的我，選名的第一大點就是一定不能和同班同學同名。就算是我先叫了 David，如果有個茂李又叫自己做 David，我便改名。就是這個超愚蠢的決定，所以我有過無數的名: David, Alex, Ricky, Rocky(好打)...等等。何況老師準許我這無聊的行為，所以便好像一期一個名似的。
直到四年班，某次踢足球的朋友說他爸爸原本想叫他 SamxxxXXXxx，我聽了便立刻喜歡這個名了。SamxxxxXXx 好呀，因為我偉大的學校裡沒有人叫 Samxxxxx。我這足球朋友之後好像叫了 Pierre。
---
很快便移民加拿大。
都覺得這個名不錯。好聽得來，又從來不會撞名。
直到在教會裡的 uncle & aunties 開始講笑，我才開始對這個名產生興趣。
原來 SamxxXXxx 不是一個豬肉佬半夜在九龍城作出來的，而是實有其人，還是名人！
---
到了大學，我第一次有改名的念頭。
因為 Samxxxxxxx 的故事我在聖經裡重覆讀無數次，我很清楚他是個名人，是個超班的失敗者。
上英文堂，老師要我們改英文名。學校說，在英文的世界一定要有個英文名。所以，我們這班七、八歲的小朋友，便展開我們尋名之旅。其實，我們對英文名的認識，只限於課本上的 Peter, John, Mary, Siu Ming...或者電視/電影裡，所以有同學叫 Rambo。又或者是從哥哥/表姐那裡，所以會有 Leslie, Alan, Anita, Danny。
而那時的我，選名的第一大點就是一定不能和同班同學同名。就算是我先叫了 David，如果有個茂李又叫自己做 David，我便改名。就是這個超愚蠢的決定，所以我有過無數的名: David, Alex, Ricky, Rocky(好打)...等等。何況老師準許我這無聊的行為，所以便好像一期一個名似的。
直到四年班，某次踢足球的朋友說他爸爸原本想叫他 SamxxxXXXxx，我聽了便立刻喜歡這個名了。SamxxxxXXx 好呀，因為我偉大的學校裡沒有人叫 Samxxxxx。我這足球朋友之後好像叫了 Pierre。
---
很快便移民加拿大。
都覺得這個名不錯。好聽得來，又從來不會撞名。
直到在教會裡的 uncle & aunties 開始講笑，我才開始對這個名產生興趣。
原來 SamxxXXxx 不是一個豬肉佬半夜在九龍城作出來的，而是實有其人，還是名人！
---
到了大學，我第一次有改名的念頭。
因為 Samxxxxxxx 的故事我在聖經裡重覆讀無數次，我很清楚他是個名人，是個超班的失敗者。
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
In the Bedroom
數年前看 In the Bedroom，看不明。所以不喜歡。不明白為什麼兩夫婦的關係會因為兒子之死而變得冰凍。
但我卻很記得電台的影評 Alex 說這套戲真實、感人。
今天不用上班，呆再家中，腦袋不斷的有林海峰說著：
...一個晚上一個人0個向床上面
查住個搖控不停咁轉台 食0左兩粒安眠藥
跟住點起支薄荷煙
然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
我沒有睡眠的問題，
我沒有吸煙的型格，
我亦沒有流淚。
--
想起來，做電台已是五、六前的事，而 Alex 我還從沒見過面。
但我卻很記得電台的影評 Alex 說這套戲真實、感人。
今天不用上班，呆再家中，腦袋不斷的有林海峰說著：
...一個晚上一個人0個向床上面
查住個搖控不停咁轉台 食0左兩粒安眠藥
跟住點起支薄荷煙
然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
...然後流0左一滴自親人離世之後0既眼淚...
我沒有睡眠的問題，
我沒有吸煙的型格，
我亦沒有流淚。
--
想起來，做電台已是五、六前的事，而 Alex 我還從沒見過面。
Sunday, June 17, 2007
十年
十年
人人都在說十年。
Wy文，E-神，CC，千fa + 雷仲得有個十年音樂會。我在等 DVD 出。（會嗎？）
星期X檔案和鏗鏘集就做回歸十年特輯。這次要多謝 BT。
---
今天跟一位和我有十年的朋友重聚。
原來經已十年（或是更長呢？）。懷念有些，可惜有些，親切有些，奇怪有些。
懷念過去一起有過的回憶：去教會時差點撞車，她表哥的衰史，她去 Toronto 前洗車，錄音帶，還有我傷害過的那個女孩...
她的大笑仍在，數量少了，天真少了；她的美麗仍在，十年後的臉孔，躲在化妝品後，已看不到那親切的小斑點了。
可惜是她為何放棄辛苦多年的學位？
奇怪地有點興幸當年沒有喜歡過她，十幾歲時的我的 quota 已滿，沒有位子傷多一個好女仔。何況她追求者眾，根本未輪到我。今天再見，只覺大家走的路很不同，已分開很遠。
她繼續每天的見証這個世界，
而我亦在這裡背負很多個萬的債。
人人都在說十年。
Wy文，E-神，CC，千fa + 雷仲得有個十年音樂會。我在等 DVD 出。（會嗎？）
星期X檔案和鏗鏘集就做回歸十年特輯。這次要多謝 BT。
---
今天跟一位和我有十年的朋友重聚。
原來經已十年（或是更長呢？）。懷念有些，可惜有些，親切有些，奇怪有些。
懷念過去一起有過的回憶：去教會時差點撞車，她表哥的衰史，她去 Toronto 前洗車，錄音帶，還有我傷害過的那個女孩...
她的大笑仍在，數量少了，天真少了；她的美麗仍在，十年後的臉孔，躲在化妝品後，已看不到那親切的小斑點了。
可惜是她為何放棄辛苦多年的學位？
奇怪地有點興幸當年沒有喜歡過她，十幾歲時的我的 quota 已滿，沒有位子傷多一個好女仔。何況她追求者眾，根本未輪到我。今天再見，只覺大家走的路很不同，已分開很遠。
她繼續每天的見証這個世界，
而我亦在這裡背負很多個萬的債。
越想越無謂
今日和 praise team 夾歌。
由於尋日打籃球打散了兩臂，所以彈結他無力。
今日亦終於見了傳聞中的未來李太。希望以後有機會一齊夾歌。
夾歌時有不快的事情發生。但練完歌後，她立刻打電話給我們道歉。我十分十分的佩服這性格。
下次再夾過吧！
--
I believe in every situation, there needs to be a leader. To make the final decision. To make tough decisions.
I assumed that somebody has been appointed leader, therefore I didn't do/say anything. But maybe, today showed, that we all just "assumed".
I always have the urge to take control.
I think this is my biggest character flaw. (If I was a Shakespeare character, I would be killed by it.) I want to take control. When the situation seems to be wandering, I just want to grab the steering wheel and drive. Sometimes it's good, other times ppl think I'm rude.
Oh well, not that I really care...
Another character flaw! No love from Mr. Lui!
由於尋日打籃球打散了兩臂，所以彈結他無力。
今日亦終於見了傳聞中的未來李太。希望以後有機會一齊夾歌。
夾歌時有不快的事情發生。但練完歌後，她立刻打電話給我們道歉。我十分十分的佩服這性格。
下次再夾過吧！
--
I believe in every situation, there needs to be a leader. To make the final decision. To make tough decisions.
I assumed that somebody has been appointed leader, therefore I didn't do/say anything. But maybe, today showed, that we all just "assumed".
I always have the urge to take control.
I think this is my biggest character flaw. (If I was a Shakespeare character, I would be killed by it.) I want to take control. When the situation seems to be wandering, I just want to grab the steering wheel and drive. Sometimes it's good, other times ppl think I'm rude.
Oh well, not that I really care...
Another character flaw! No love from Mr. Lui!
Saturday, June 16, 2007
還要我上毒品課？
下晝打了三個多鐘籃球。遲是遲了些，但現在我真的是愛上籃球。我開竅了。
但愛上不等於時時刻刻都想著籃球。以前天天打籃球時，是愛上和好友一起的時光。現在一個月打一兩次，是真的愛上。
可是身體差了，打完一次每件肌肉都酸、每條筋都差點兒抽，要很多天才能復完。
是 timing 吧？
晚上到馬家吃 burgers 和 腸仔。喝完啤酒，看門徒。
整體感覺像看 Discovery Channel。很學術性。
而那幕發夢的性交很恐佈，我什麼幻想都沒有了。
這套戲沒有以往看爾東昇的戲所擁有的感動。
回家路上，有點兒空虛。
但愛上不等於時時刻刻都想著籃球。以前天天打籃球時，是愛上和好友一起的時光。現在一個月打一兩次，是真的愛上。
可是身體差了，打完一次每件肌肉都酸、每條筋都差點兒抽，要很多天才能復完。
是 timing 吧？
晚上到馬家吃 burgers 和 腸仔。喝完啤酒，看門徒。
整體感覺像看 Discovery Channel。很學術性。
而那幕發夢的性交很恐佈，我什麼幻想都沒有了。
這套戲沒有以往看爾東昇的戲所擁有的感動。
回家路上，有點兒空虛。
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
NY Day 7: Hospital
KaiMa has been in and out of hospitals since the discovery of her liver cancer in March.
Her family doctor told her she can stay home for as long as possible. Because hospitals in the States are free, also because she needs family time more than hospital time.
She is very fortunate as Uncle's medical insurance covers 99% of her med costs. Her monthly medicine bill is around $7500 US, her hospital room costs $1300 per night. It made me think about Canada, about our public health care system. I often complain of the sales tax, the property tax, the income tax, the investment tax. But I can't even fathom the idea of having/paying that much for medical treatment.
Tonight, KaiMa's condition took a nose-dive. Her skin turned yellow, her eyes turned yellow, both of her legs had massive swelling. Uncle "rushed" her to the hospital in Manhattan. Well, he tried to rush...since it was during rush hour, and a normal 35min drive turned into 75minutes.
We went to the hospital about 2 hours later. Por Por heated up some food (brilliant idea suggested by Mr. Lui), Son#1 took the baby, and we all went there. For me, the car ride was beautiful but long. The NY night scene is nowhere close to what HK can offer, but still we passed by many many famous landmarks.
I saw KaiMa, on her bed, unit #7 of the Urgent Care room. Exhausted. She grabbed my hand, and began to weep.
She said,
"I'm very glad to see you."
"Very happy to have you fly all the way here."
"I'm sorry I won't be able to drive you to the airport."
Those were the 3 lines she spoke before the others arrived and started to talk.
That was (probably) the final moment we would share in our lifetime (barring miracles).
We left the hospital after 2 hours.
And at 5:00am, I arrived at the airport, and said goodbye to this week-long life-altering experience.
Her family doctor told her she can stay home for as long as possible. Because hospitals in the States are free, also because she needs family time more than hospital time.
She is very fortunate as Uncle's medical insurance covers 99% of her med costs. Her monthly medicine bill is around $7500 US, her hospital room costs $1300 per night. It made me think about Canada, about our public health care system. I often complain of the sales tax, the property tax, the income tax, the investment tax. But I can't even fathom the idea of having/paying that much for medical treatment.
Tonight, KaiMa's condition took a nose-dive. Her skin turned yellow, her eyes turned yellow, both of her legs had massive swelling. Uncle "rushed" her to the hospital in Manhattan. Well, he tried to rush...since it was during rush hour, and a normal 35min drive turned into 75minutes.
We went to the hospital about 2 hours later. Por Por heated up some food (brilliant idea suggested by Mr. Lui), Son#1 took the baby, and we all went there. For me, the car ride was beautiful but long. The NY night scene is nowhere close to what HK can offer, but still we passed by many many famous landmarks.
I saw KaiMa, on her bed, unit #7 of the Urgent Care room. Exhausted. She grabbed my hand, and began to weep.
She said,
"I'm very glad to see you."
"Very happy to have you fly all the way here."
"I'm sorry I won't be able to drive you to the airport."
Those were the 3 lines she spoke before the others arrived and started to talk.
That was (probably) the final moment we would share in our lifetime (barring miracles).
We left the hospital after 2 hours.
And at 5:00am, I arrived at the airport, and said goodbye to this week-long life-altering experience.
Friday, June 01, 2007
NY Day 6: 20 years
Today I didn't even step one foot out the front door.
I sat and read "When your doctor has bad news". A very informative and nicely written book I borrowed from Lucia.
---
After dinner was over, Son#1 installed this sonic pulse machine he bought for KaiMa. I asked what it was. He explained every person has some sort of electrical field, and when the field is disturbed we get ill. By shooting sonic pulse directly at the area of pain, the electrical field would be restored and the person would get better. (When he said electrical field, I immediately thought of the Right Thumb Rule.)
I checked this machine. It consists of one battery pack, a little black box, and the barrel. The black box produces this tick-tick sound, and the barrel shoots a red light. My little brain told me this is nothing more than a gigantic lazer pointer with a metronome. But seeing their enthused faces, I kept silent.
Then uncle came and tried to manuver the machine. He quitely shot some degrading words at Son#1 in the lines of "dumb and stupid". That's when things got out of hand.
They shouted at each other, raised their voices, cursed at one another and at the end punches were almost thrown if Son#2 didn't step in. Uncle left the house, and basically said he will never be home if Son#1 is around. KaiMa cried. Little baby cried. I was in shock.
After things cooled down, Son#1 fumed that he has hated his father for 20 years. Por Por said she has hated her son in law for 20 years. KaiMa has stuck between all this for 20 years.
For 20 years.
I sat and read "When your doctor has bad news". A very informative and nicely written book I borrowed from Lucia.
---
After dinner was over, Son#1 installed this sonic pulse machine he bought for KaiMa. I asked what it was. He explained every person has some sort of electrical field, and when the field is disturbed we get ill. By shooting sonic pulse directly at the area of pain, the electrical field would be restored and the person would get better. (When he said electrical field, I immediately thought of the Right Thumb Rule.)
I checked this machine. It consists of one battery pack, a little black box, and the barrel. The black box produces this tick-tick sound, and the barrel shoots a red light. My little brain told me this is nothing more than a gigantic lazer pointer with a metronome. But seeing their enthused faces, I kept silent.
Then uncle came and tried to manuver the machine. He quitely shot some degrading words at Son#1 in the lines of "dumb and stupid". That's when things got out of hand.
They shouted at each other, raised their voices, cursed at one another and at the end punches were almost thrown if Son#2 didn't step in. Uncle left the house, and basically said he will never be home if Son#1 is around. KaiMa cried. Little baby cried. I was in shock.
After things cooled down, Son#1 fumed that he has hated his father for 20 years. Por Por said she has hated her son in law for 20 years. KaiMa has stuck between all this for 20 years.
For 20 years.
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