Today I did nothing.
I woke at 10am, had breakfast, sat around, had lunch, sat around some more, took a nap, had dinner, and now writing this blog.
I felt this trip not only gives me an opportunity to be with my KaiMa, it also provides me a week of much needed break. I've been going all out since May2006. Moved from Van-->Cal, started new job, adapted to new life at new city, finished my certificate in 2 semesters, moved...I longed for a week of doing nothing. Now I have it. Planned or not.
This afternoon, while looking out the window, I felt peace. The weather was perfect, the humidity was perfect, the pollen level was perfect. I haven't done any sightseeing this time around in NY, and I don't need to.
---
For dinner, the whole family (minus uncle, who was at work) went to this Chinese restaurant. Since there were 2 white girls, we sort of ordered "gwai lo food". Sweet and sour pork, friend chicken, and the sorts. Still S1W didn't eat any, and she ordered a fried rice all for herself.
However, the only thing that got onto my nerves was Son#2. Again! During the entire dinner, he served, served, his girlfriend while completely neglected por por and KaiMa. If he would kneel on the floor while serving he would've received perfect marks.
I tried to tell him to help por por get food. KaiMa knew of my angry eye, and said, "Suen La, he chose her to be his gf, he didn't choose me to be his mom."
Anyway, Ah Mui's husband is a real funny man. Although his voice is similar to a male-Cecilia Cheung as he drinks and smokes too much.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
NY Day 4: I know
This morning, KaiMai felt good, which was rare.
For the past few days, she has always been sleepy. The medication, the cancer, the pain, the poor appetite don't energize you like a Red Bull does. I've asked her many times if she wants me to push her outside, to a park, to get some fresh air. Every time she said no.
Today, she agreed.
As we strolled around the neighbourhood, we didn't talk much. I sensed there was something missing. She met some friends on the street, they stopped and chatted. You can tell KaiMa is a good person the way her friends treat her. We visited every grocery store because she wanted to get some "club cheese". We didn't find any. She was disappointed as if the only remaining wish in her is to find club cheese. I asked her if she craved this cheese that I've not heard of, she replied, "no, I hate cheese. But my grandson does."
Then KaiMa called Son#2 and asked of his whereabouts. (She does it constantly, calling her sons many times a day just to hear their voices.) She then asked him to drive her to buy a new fan, the tower style that's so popular these days. As we entered the store, we saw at least 10 tower fans. Son#2 immediately disappeared to check out the iPods with the Irish Boober. I asked KaiMa which fan she liked the most. She told me to grab Son#2 to choose one for her.
I waited outside. (I saw this flyer, this store is selling the Sharp Aquos 37" 1080i for $1000 US. The cheapest I've seen in Canada is $1400 Cdn at Costco. OH man, if only I could bring a TV onto a plane. And economists are saying the Cdn dollar will be on par with the US dollar by 2009!)
As I was waiting, I saw this couple on the street. They were checking out air conditioners. I saw from her eyes and she loved to be with him. I saw from his body language that he wished she was the real love. The real love that lives in his heart. The real love that is not the one holding his arm.
Then I saw myself.
No matter how hard I try, I'm not the person KaiMa needs the most. It's her sons. Her 2 precious sons who haven't spent much time and energy with her.
I know.
For the past few days, she has always been sleepy. The medication, the cancer, the pain, the poor appetite don't energize you like a Red Bull does. I've asked her many times if she wants me to push her outside, to a park, to get some fresh air. Every time she said no.
Today, she agreed.
As we strolled around the neighbourhood, we didn't talk much. I sensed there was something missing. She met some friends on the street, they stopped and chatted. You can tell KaiMa is a good person the way her friends treat her. We visited every grocery store because she wanted to get some "club cheese". We didn't find any. She was disappointed as if the only remaining wish in her is to find club cheese. I asked her if she craved this cheese that I've not heard of, she replied, "no, I hate cheese. But my grandson does."
Then KaiMa called Son#2 and asked of his whereabouts. (She does it constantly, calling her sons many times a day just to hear their voices.) She then asked him to drive her to buy a new fan, the tower style that's so popular these days. As we entered the store, we saw at least 10 tower fans. Son#2 immediately disappeared to check out the iPods with the Irish Boober. I asked KaiMa which fan she liked the most. She told me to grab Son#2 to choose one for her.
I waited outside. (I saw this flyer, this store is selling the Sharp Aquos 37" 1080i for $1000 US. The cheapest I've seen in Canada is $1400 Cdn at Costco. OH man, if only I could bring a TV onto a plane. And economists are saying the Cdn dollar will be on par with the US dollar by 2009!)
As I was waiting, I saw this couple on the street. They were checking out air conditioners. I saw from her eyes and she loved to be with him. I saw from his body language that he wished she was the real love. The real love that lives in his heart. The real love that is not the one holding his arm.
Then I saw myself.
No matter how hard I try, I'm not the person KaiMa needs the most. It's her sons. Her 2 precious sons who haven't spent much time and energy with her.
I know.
Monday, May 28, 2007
NY Day 3: 2 Become 1
Before I arrived, I thought KaiMa's family had already knew of her situation. Today, I found out that they didn't. They haven't asked the doctor many (or any) questions, and unfortunately, the doctor never told them anything important.
All they know is her cancer is at phase 4. It is terminal. It is in her lungs and spine.
When I asked them of her treatment options, they don't know. Expected outcome? Don't know. Treatment length? Don't know. Side effects? Don't know. What they know is they're trying everything. She sees this cancer doctor at the hospital, also sees this Chinese doctor at Chinatown; she takes many pills and pain killers everyday, and drinks bowls of Chinese herbs. They haven't discussed any of this to her doctor in any detailed manner.
I tried to suggest a reasonable way to approach this cancer. I even wrote down a list of questions to ask the doctors. She didn't want to hear. Por por didn't want to hear. Uncle said outright that KaiMa will be cured after the summer's over, so we don't need to waste much energy. So I asked Son#1. Son#1 either didn't understand my questions, or didn't understand why I would ask those questions, so he went his way. I can see that he's trying. But unless you ask the doctor educated and scientific questions, he will never give you a straight answer! Ah I was ready to pull my hair out.
They have been lead to many different paths. Since they're not dedicated to any, none of the treatments have had much success. I told them buying medicine from a newspaper advertisement with anonymous testimonials is not a good decision. I wanted to explain the process of scientific research, peer reviews, medical testing, etc etc. But I could see from all of their eyes that they didn't want any of this.
All they want is revert back to The Matrix.
All they want is continue with what they're doing now. Fighting everyday; yet blindfolded so they somehow do not have to see the reality, and they sort of expect she will be cured in 2 months.
This reminds me of the movie "2 Become 1". After hearing she was diagnose with breast cancer, Miriam didn't want to face it. She decided to flip the coin. "Head means I'll be cured, and Tail means I'll be cured immediately."
------
In the afternoon, Son#1 invited me to his buddy's pool party. There was no swimming (which was a good thing, cuz all the girls there were u-g-l-y.) But man, the host was rich. I think the house was about 4000 sq ft, made with complete marbles! Floor, all walls, ceiling, sink, all complete marbles. The downside: the house was a bit cold to the touch.
The host's father is a surgeon.
Another reason to go to school.
Well, if you don't have a rich dad and wish to a mansion someday.
---
I began to think about my purpose in NY.
Am I here to spend one week of family time with KaiMa?
Am I here to share with her the gospel?
Am I here to help them with my school knowledge?
What?
Tell me!
All they know is her cancer is at phase 4. It is terminal. It is in her lungs and spine.
When I asked them of her treatment options, they don't know. Expected outcome? Don't know. Treatment length? Don't know. Side effects? Don't know. What they know is they're trying everything. She sees this cancer doctor at the hospital, also sees this Chinese doctor at Chinatown; she takes many pills and pain killers everyday, and drinks bowls of Chinese herbs. They haven't discussed any of this to her doctor in any detailed manner.
I tried to suggest a reasonable way to approach this cancer. I even wrote down a list of questions to ask the doctors. She didn't want to hear. Por por didn't want to hear. Uncle said outright that KaiMa will be cured after the summer's over, so we don't need to waste much energy. So I asked Son#1. Son#1 either didn't understand my questions, or didn't understand why I would ask those questions, so he went his way. I can see that he's trying. But unless you ask the doctor educated and scientific questions, he will never give you a straight answer! Ah I was ready to pull my hair out.
They have been lead to many different paths. Since they're not dedicated to any, none of the treatments have had much success. I told them buying medicine from a newspaper advertisement with anonymous testimonials is not a good decision. I wanted to explain the process of scientific research, peer reviews, medical testing, etc etc. But I could see from all of their eyes that they didn't want any of this.
All they want is revert back to The Matrix.
All they want is continue with what they're doing now. Fighting everyday; yet blindfolded so they somehow do not have to see the reality, and they sort of expect she will be cured in 2 months.
This reminds me of the movie "2 Become 1". After hearing she was diagnose with breast cancer, Miriam didn't want to face it. She decided to flip the coin. "Head means I'll be cured, and Tail means I'll be cured immediately."
------
In the afternoon, Son#1 invited me to his buddy's pool party. There was no swimming (which was a good thing, cuz all the girls there were u-g-l-y.) But man, the host was rich. I think the house was about 4000 sq ft, made with complete marbles! Floor, all walls, ceiling, sink, all complete marbles. The downside: the house was a bit cold to the touch.
The host's father is a surgeon.
Another reason to go to school.
Well, if you don't have a rich dad and wish to a mansion someday.
---
I began to think about my purpose in NY.
Am I here to spend one week of family time with KaiMa?
Am I here to share with her the gospel?
Am I here to help them with my school knowledge?
What?
Tell me!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
NY Day 2: Friends
After shopping, we took a short nap at home, and headed to a BBQ at KaiMa's friend's place.
Her friends love her. They care. I felt it with my eyes, my ears, my heart. Today was the 1st time in my life that I've felt this way. And the love was not for me. My eyes had a little moisture.
The hosts are a young (late 30s) couple. Man was from Vietnam, Woman from HK. They treat KaiMa better than I could ever imagine. They treat her 100x better than I can. Man is called "Gong Suk", Woman "Gong So". Of course.
As stories go, they have no kids. All of Gong Suk's 3 brothers cannot have children. KaiMa and por por kept telling me how unfair the world is for the nicest couple to not be able to have kids. (Speculation is during the Vietnam war, Gong's family fell victim to Agent Orange. Ahh Americans.)
I thought of Elizabeth,
I thought of Abraham,
I thought of talking to KaiMa about God.
Her friends love her. They care. I felt it with my eyes, my ears, my heart. Today was the 1st time in my life that I've felt this way. And the love was not for me. My eyes had a little moisture.
The hosts are a young (late 30s) couple. Man was from Vietnam, Woman from HK. They treat KaiMa better than I could ever imagine. They treat her 100x better than I can. Man is called "Gong Suk", Woman "Gong So". Of course.
As stories go, they have no kids. All of Gong Suk's 3 brothers cannot have children. KaiMa and por por kept telling me how unfair the world is for the nicest couple to not be able to have kids. (Speculation is during the Vietnam war, Gong's family fell victim to Agent Orange. Ahh Americans.)
I thought of Elizabeth,
I thought of Abraham,
I thought of talking to KaiMa about God.
NY Day 2: The Matrix
Having lunch at a Cha-chaang-teng was fun. Food was cheap and delicious, and it was nice for KaiMa to spend some time away from her house. It was nice for her to be normal again.
After lunch, we went shopping. She bought some clothes for little baby, and a pair of stretchy pants for herself. And it struck me.
It wasn't then until I realized how much she has aged. She isn't 25 anymore. No matter how many times I've seen her after she has past age 25, in my mind, she has always been the young woman who took care of me when my head was inappropriately big compared to my body size. Today, pushing her semi-wheelchair, I saw a fragile woman.
A fragile woman who isn't accepting the facts. (Maybe that's a good thing?)
She asked me my impression for Son#1's wife (let's call her S1W). I gave her the obligatory white lie, "Oh she's nice." Then she cut me off as I began my uncontrollable rant. She told me S1W is a good girl, she's from a small town, and she's friendly and caring. (I wanted to interrupt but she cut me off again.) She said the reason why she often neglects her son is because couple years ago, S1W was bitten by some unknown wild animal while back in Arkansas, and now S1W is sort of ill and sometimes cannot take care of a little baby.
I was taken back by her words. As I continued pushing, I looked at the back of her head, and I saw a loving mother who is beautifying her world to make it more acceptable. I wanted to tell her what I saw. I wanted to tell her S1W said more than nth times in front of my face that she is very frustrated at the baby and doesn't want to care anymore.
I wanted to.
But what for?
KaiMa is a very good person. She's fighting. The truth is, phase 4 cancer in your lungs and spine is terminal. The truth is, she will die soon. Chemo, Chinese herbal medicine, radiation, ginseng, whatever whatever will help, but won't cure. The truth is, S1W is not a good mother. The truth is, I wanted to yell and beat up Son#2 today. But She IS fighting and living everyday. The last thing she wants to hear is my opinion.
If ignoring the truth can keep her happy,
She's very delighted to stay inside the Matrix.
After lunch, we went shopping. She bought some clothes for little baby, and a pair of stretchy pants for herself. And it struck me.
It wasn't then until I realized how much she has aged. She isn't 25 anymore. No matter how many times I've seen her after she has past age 25, in my mind, she has always been the young woman who took care of me when my head was inappropriately big compared to my body size. Today, pushing her semi-wheelchair, I saw a fragile woman.
A fragile woman who isn't accepting the facts. (Maybe that's a good thing?)
She asked me my impression for Son#1's wife (let's call her S1W). I gave her the obligatory white lie, "Oh she's nice." Then she cut me off as I began my uncontrollable rant. She told me S1W is a good girl, she's from a small town, and she's friendly and caring. (I wanted to interrupt but she cut me off again.) She said the reason why she often neglects her son is because couple years ago, S1W was bitten by some unknown wild animal while back in Arkansas, and now S1W is sort of ill and sometimes cannot take care of a little baby.
I was taken back by her words. As I continued pushing, I looked at the back of her head, and I saw a loving mother who is beautifying her world to make it more acceptable. I wanted to tell her what I saw. I wanted to tell her S1W said more than nth times in front of my face that she is very frustrated at the baby and doesn't want to care anymore.
I wanted to.
But what for?
KaiMa is a very good person. She's fighting. The truth is, phase 4 cancer in your lungs and spine is terminal. The truth is, she will die soon. Chemo, Chinese herbal medicine, radiation, ginseng, whatever whatever will help, but won't cure. The truth is, S1W is not a good mother. The truth is, I wanted to yell and beat up Son#2 today. But She IS fighting and living everyday. The last thing she wants to hear is my opinion.
If ignoring the truth can keep her happy,
She's very delighted to stay inside the Matrix.
NY Day 1: 1 cup happy, 2 tps bitter, 3 L anger
Thank you Biu Goh (aka Wayne) for giving me a ride to the airport. What friends are for. (Every time I think about this, I am very thankful that everywhere I go, I meet generous ppl.)
When I arrived at the airport, it was empty. I expected the airport at 915am on a Saturday morning to be busier than a completely empty Air Canada line-up. For 3 opened counters (NY, LA, Cancun), I was the only customer. I didn't complain.
Same thing through the customs area. Actually, the entire airport was pretty quiet all the way. I mean, all the way to JFK in NY. I mean, all the way to my Kai Ma's house. Smoother than a pretty girl's skin.
After my arrival though, things got a little bit sour.
They were waiting for me for dinner. The food wasn't great, I guess por-por wasn't in the mood of cooking. Kai-ma husband not in the mood of eating. Son #1 didn't come home (more on him later), Son #2 brought huge boobs gf (more on him now).
Son #2 and his Irish boober gave me a ride home. They stayed for dinner, she even tried the unpronounceable Chinese food. However, they left w/o talking to Kai-Ma. I later learned from por-por that the Irish boober has total control of Son #2. He rarely spends time at home, she doesn't let him. (Time for Chinese wisdom: Dumb man lets woman pull him by his nostrils.)
Son #1 hooked with an Arkansas girl 3 years back. After the hook-up, a baby was born (more about him later). Neither of them did much schooling, both aren't smart. Their lives consist of drinking, clubbing, and dumping their son at KaiMa's place whenever they feel like, which is unamazingly frequent.
Little baby is almost 3 now. Very smart kid. Very cute and lovely. He speaks Chinese very well, and he automatically switches to Eng when he sees white ppl. Even I can't do it that quickly. He's extremely active, and desperate of love. I guess if my parents constantly abandon me, I would be as insecure as he is. Simply put, he must be accompanied at all times.
After the son-abandonment episode at 1045pm, I suggested that I follow Son #1 and catch up. (Actually, the evil part of me wanted to know what happened to Son#1, and wanted to learn about his wife.) The 5 of us (me, Son#1, wife, wife's friend, Son#1's colleague) went to a bar. The four of them aren't talkative, just standing there in the middle of the bar. Aimless drinking, mindless conversations. After 3 hours, we left and went to a diner. Again, stupid dialogues went on and on. I'm pretty good with conversing with strangers, but tonite, I didn't have much to say. At 3am, I arrived home. All thru the 5 hours, I kept saying to myself, "so you chose this over your son? The son who cries real tears every time you close the door on him? You chose this over your son?!?!" Oh his wife is pretty hot, pretty good looking, very foul mouth, pretty dumb, and doesn't smoke.
Needless to say, I was pretty angry. Angry at Son#2, angry at Son#1, angry at my KaiMa for spoiling them, angry at myself being so helpless.
My KaiMa's condition is better than I expected. (In my mind, I thought I would be seeing a dried human body who can barely talk.) She can walk, actually, limp. She can talk. She can think. She can eat (soft food). She is optimistic. She is fighting. She is very happy to see me. On the flip side, she's in constant pain. She can't move her left leg much. The cancer has spread to her lungs and spine. The cancer is stage 4, serious stuff.
I just convinced (or beg) her to leave the house with me. (Her family never takes her out except to the hospital.) I also asked KaiMa husband (expert mechanic) to modify her walker-seater for her so she can sit comfortably when outdoors. In 10 minutes, we'll be heading to a Cha-Chaan-Teng. "We" means (me, KaiMa, KaiMa husband, and por-por. Irish boober directed Son#2 to Bronx, and Son#1 is touring Manhattan with wife and her friend.)
I feel a very bitter happiness.
When I arrived at the airport, it was empty. I expected the airport at 915am on a Saturday morning to be busier than a completely empty Air Canada line-up. For 3 opened counters (NY, LA, Cancun), I was the only customer. I didn't complain.
Same thing through the customs area. Actually, the entire airport was pretty quiet all the way. I mean, all the way to JFK in NY. I mean, all the way to my Kai Ma's house. Smoother than a pretty girl's skin.
After my arrival though, things got a little bit sour.
They were waiting for me for dinner. The food wasn't great, I guess por-por wasn't in the mood of cooking. Kai-ma husband not in the mood of eating. Son #1 didn't come home (more on him later), Son #2 brought huge boobs gf (more on him now).
Son #2 and his Irish boober gave me a ride home. They stayed for dinner, she even tried the unpronounceable Chinese food. However, they left w/o talking to Kai-Ma. I later learned from por-por that the Irish boober has total control of Son #2. He rarely spends time at home, she doesn't let him. (Time for Chinese wisdom: Dumb man lets woman pull him by his nostrils.)
Son #1 hooked with an Arkansas girl 3 years back. After the hook-up, a baby was born (more about him later). Neither of them did much schooling, both aren't smart. Their lives consist of drinking, clubbing, and dumping their son at KaiMa's place whenever they feel like, which is unamazingly frequent.
Little baby is almost 3 now. Very smart kid. Very cute and lovely. He speaks Chinese very well, and he automatically switches to Eng when he sees white ppl. Even I can't do it that quickly. He's extremely active, and desperate of love. I guess if my parents constantly abandon me, I would be as insecure as he is. Simply put, he must be accompanied at all times.
After the son-abandonment episode at 1045pm, I suggested that I follow Son #1 and catch up. (Actually, the evil part of me wanted to know what happened to Son#1, and wanted to learn about his wife.) The 5 of us (me, Son#1, wife, wife's friend, Son#1's colleague) went to a bar. The four of them aren't talkative, just standing there in the middle of the bar. Aimless drinking, mindless conversations. After 3 hours, we left and went to a diner. Again, stupid dialogues went on and on. I'm pretty good with conversing with strangers, but tonite, I didn't have much to say. At 3am, I arrived home. All thru the 5 hours, I kept saying to myself, "so you chose this over your son? The son who cries real tears every time you close the door on him? You chose this over your son?!?!" Oh his wife is pretty hot, pretty good looking, very foul mouth, pretty dumb, and doesn't smoke.
Needless to say, I was pretty angry. Angry at Son#2, angry at Son#1, angry at my KaiMa for spoiling them, angry at myself being so helpless.
My KaiMa's condition is better than I expected. (In my mind, I thought I would be seeing a dried human body who can barely talk.) She can walk, actually, limp. She can talk. She can think. She can eat (soft food). She is optimistic. She is fighting. She is very happy to see me. On the flip side, she's in constant pain. She can't move her left leg much. The cancer has spread to her lungs and spine. The cancer is stage 4, serious stuff.
I just convinced (or beg) her to leave the house with me. (Her family never takes her out except to the hospital.) I also asked KaiMa husband (expert mechanic) to modify her walker-seater for her so she can sit comfortably when outdoors. In 10 minutes, we'll be heading to a Cha-Chaan-Teng. "We" means (me, KaiMa, KaiMa husband, and por-por. Irish boober directed Son#2 to Bronx, and Son#1 is touring Manhattan with wife and her friend.)
I feel a very bitter happiness.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Let's not talk about it
Dad passes the phone immediately to my mom.
Mom ends the phone calls very quickly, right before the topic comes up.
Uncle Chiu keeps saying "It's OK it's OK it's OK" when she's not OK.
I've read many books about Death.
I've watched movies about Death.
I've had friends pass away.
I'm not scared of Death.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Death is romantic. Funerals, b&w pictures, tears, hugs, flowers, stories.
Dying is unbearable. Medicine, pain, time, tremors, money, foul smell, weak.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
(I think mom&dad won't fly to NY as planned.)
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Mom ends the phone calls very quickly, right before the topic comes up.
Uncle Chiu keeps saying "It's OK it's OK it's OK" when she's not OK.
I've read many books about Death.
I've watched movies about Death.
I've had friends pass away.
I'm not scared of Death.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Death is romantic. Funerals, b&w pictures, tears, hugs, flowers, stories.
Dying is unbearable. Medicine, pain, time, tremors, money, foul smell, weak.
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
(I think mom&dad won't fly to NY as planned.)
Just don't want to see loved ones dying.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Interview with an incompetent HR clerk
Yesterday was interview day. 2 supervisors, and 1 incompetent HR clerk.
My mind wasn't in the whole competition. I didn't even sign up. Not all that interested in a promotion these days.
I think I did a pretty good job during the 40minute bs session. Well, now that it's over, I'm not one bit happier or looser than yesterday.
What happened yesterday (the interview), or tomorrow (whatever it might be), gets overshadowed by the inevitable. The cloud above, the flipping calendar, the countdown.
Time snails by very slowly when days are dry, I wonder if it can crawl any slower than this; yet
time flies by very quickly when it's "boarding the plane day", I wish I can stop it right now and never have to go to NY and I can watch Spiderman 123 once more.
Oh, going back to the incompetent HR clerk, she was just there to stare and blink. (Maybe I should type this in Chinese instead.)
My mind wasn't in the whole competition. I didn't even sign up. Not all that interested in a promotion these days.
I think I did a pretty good job during the 40minute bs session. Well, now that it's over, I'm not one bit happier or looser than yesterday.
What happened yesterday (the interview), or tomorrow (whatever it might be), gets overshadowed by the inevitable. The cloud above, the flipping calendar, the countdown.
Time snails by very slowly when days are dry, I wonder if it can crawl any slower than this; yet
time flies by very quickly when it's "boarding the plane day", I wish I can stop it right now and never have to go to NY and I can watch Spiderman 123 once more.
Oh, going back to the incompetent HR clerk, she was just there to stare and blink. (Maybe I should type this in Chinese instead.)
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Workaholic Overtimilitis
Avoiding, I've been avoiding.
Avoiding time spent alone,
avoiding questions,
avoiding the feeling,
avoiding God,
avoiding facing.
This past week, I've been doing unreasonable amounts of overtime. I stayed till 5, then 6, today I left work at 7. I would've stayed longer if not for the scheduled system shutdown.
There're lots of work to do, my excuse. My team already knows I'll be away next week, they will cover for me. I just wanted work to numb my mind, I guess.
Leaving the office, my mind is so exhausted;
After dinner at home, I'm spent.
No energy to think,
to talk,
to feel.
For the first time in my life, I'm not happy.
Avoiding time spent alone,
avoiding questions,
avoiding the feeling,
avoiding God,
avoiding facing.
This past week, I've been doing unreasonable amounts of overtime. I stayed till 5, then 6, today I left work at 7. I would've stayed longer if not for the scheduled system shutdown.
There're lots of work to do, my excuse. My team already knows I'll be away next week, they will cover for me. I just wanted work to numb my mind, I guess.
Leaving the office, my mind is so exhausted;
After dinner at home, I'm spent.
No energy to think,
to talk,
to feel.
For the first time in my life, I'm not happy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Am I doing myself service?
I know I'm worried.
But still, I have work to do, I have a car to drive, I have duties to fulfill. I can't just sit and surround myself with an aura of sadness!
But it's weary. It's wearing me down.
I lose focus at work. Seem disinterested. Just dragging along.
But still, I have work to do, I have a car to drive, I have duties to fulfill. I can't just sit and surround myself with an aura of sadness!
But it's weary. It's wearing me down.
I lose focus at work. Seem disinterested. Just dragging along.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Who says you're not going on a shopping trip?
I know my co-workers aren't my friends. (Well, except for Edith, who is very nice to me.)
Maybe it's the nature of the job, or maybe it's just human nature, I find our colleagues are very speculative of each other. When somebody calls in sick, we immediately associate the sickness as a pretentious one, that the person merely wanted a long weekend. When somebody comes in late, it's because he's lazy. When somebody is allergic to bananas or perfume, it's because she's lying to catch attention.
As I shared the horrible news with my teammates and my sup, some "are you ok"s came my way. Today, the attitude morphed into, "so you're getting a week of? so you're flying to NY? how do I know you didn't make the whole story up and this NY thing is just a shopping spree?"
I know my co-workers aren't my friends. I wasn't hurt by their lack of sympathy; rather by our own states of mind that everybody is only out to get his benefits, and nobody is trustworthy.
Maybe it's the nature of the job, or maybe it's just human nature, I find our colleagues are very speculative of each other. When somebody calls in sick, we immediately associate the sickness as a pretentious one, that the person merely wanted a long weekend. When somebody comes in late, it's because he's lazy. When somebody is allergic to bananas or perfume, it's because she's lying to catch attention.
As I shared the horrible news with my teammates and my sup, some "are you ok"s came my way. Today, the attitude morphed into, "so you're getting a week of? so you're flying to NY? how do I know you didn't make the whole story up and this NY thing is just a shopping spree?"
I know my co-workers aren't my friends. I wasn't hurt by their lack of sympathy; rather by our own states of mind that everybody is only out to get his benefits, and nobody is trustworthy.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Horror
I never answer my cell phone at work. Today I did. And it brought me horrible news.
My godmother, my dear Kai-Ma, who lives in NY, called me, and calmly told me she was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Emergency surgery was performed in March. A recent follow-up confirmed the cancer has indeed spread to the lungs and bone marrow.
---
I didn't know what to do or how to react.
I took a long walk along the river. My mind was running blank. At the end of the walk, I entered a salon to have a haircut; later, I had McD for lunch.
I finished the working day. Looking at the monitor, looking at my cell phone, 6 hours after I first heard the news, I wanted to believe that it was a dream. A day-dream. That everything was made up, and everything is now fine and dandy.
I tried to act normal at work, during dinner, during fellowship. Not that I was faking it. I just didn't know what to do. Never have I experienced this. My heart asked, "should I be in sorrow? Or should I be optimistic? should I joke around? or should I weep?"
---
I'm planning to fly to NY soon.
In the meantime, until I have confirmation of a pessimistic outcome, I have decided to live a normal life. Continue to work, to watch to NBA, to play ball, and to feel the sadness that looms.
My godmother, my dear Kai-Ma, who lives in NY, called me, and calmly told me she was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Emergency surgery was performed in March. A recent follow-up confirmed the cancer has indeed spread to the lungs and bone marrow.
---
I didn't know what to do or how to react.
I took a long walk along the river. My mind was running blank. At the end of the walk, I entered a salon to have a haircut; later, I had McD for lunch.
I finished the working day. Looking at the monitor, looking at my cell phone, 6 hours after I first heard the news, I wanted to believe that it was a dream. A day-dream. That everything was made up, and everything is now fine and dandy.
I tried to act normal at work, during dinner, during fellowship. Not that I was faking it. I just didn't know what to do. Never have I experienced this. My heart asked, "should I be in sorrow? Or should I be optimistic? should I joke around? or should I weep?"
---
I'm planning to fly to NY soon.
In the meantime, until I have confirmation of a pessimistic outcome, I have decided to live a normal life. Continue to work, to watch to NBA, to play ball, and to feel the sadness that looms.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Later and later, lately
When I first started my job, summer of 2006, I woke at 615am and arrived at work at around quarter to eight.
Fast forward to Christmas month, and my regular arrival time became 815am.
Just this past week, living in my new home, my current arrival time is around quarter to nine.
---
I even brought up the idea of "flexible work hours" with my boss during our mid-year performance review session.
he took the offer, shot a joke back at me, and we parted ways.
he didn't promise me anything; he also didn't ban me from doing so.
We both came out satisfied.
Fast forward to Christmas month, and my regular arrival time became 815am.
Just this past week, living in my new home, my current arrival time is around quarter to nine.
---
I even brought up the idea of "flexible work hours" with my boss during our mid-year performance review session.
he took the offer, shot a joke back at me, and we parted ways.
he didn't promise me anything; he also didn't ban me from doing so.
We both came out satisfied.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
One year anniversaire
If me not mistaken, today is the one year anniversary of my new life in C-town.
I'm not a "what-if" person, but on this issue, I often ask myself.
I ask what if, in 2005, I chose to work for the ergonomic research firm in U of Michigan instead of the Health & Safety job in Toronto. Would I have settled in the States instead (and earn almost double salary)? Well no idea. But I definitely would not have made friends with all my TO buddies, reunited with Jai + Ling + Stephy, or gotten the Calgary job I have now.
Then, upon my graduation in 2005, what if, I accepted the Masters degree offer in HK? Would I have stayed and finished it? Well maybe. In my 2 months vacation, I felt a strong connection with my birthplace, I felt a desire to live with (or close to) my parents. I missed them, I missed my childhood friends. But then, I've never entertained the thought of working in HK.
After I returned to Vancouver in Feb 2006, what if, I caved in to the pressure of finding a job fast, and not stuck to my goal of landing a job in my field? Would I now be working for eBay, PayPal, or HSBC as a bank teller (and make enough to only feed myself once a day)? Very likely. I was so soo sooo close to giving up, albeit it was only after 1 month of job search. But I didn't, because somewhere deep inside, I felt I was destined for something else (or just that I was arrogant as usual).
Then after Calgary made me this nice offer to move to C-town, what if, I didn't accept it? I worked in C-town once before. I liked my friends; but not the city, not the atmosphere, not the environment. If I didn't take that job, I definitely would not be in my new home blogging right now. If I didn't take that job, I would not have left my city and my closies behind. It's tough. But then, if I had stayed, and not found a good job, would I deem myself a failure? Or just like every other ordinary body that's paying $1.30 per litre gas in beautiful Vancouver? Maybe. Or I might just move back to HK then.
Now that I'm here, I ask, when will I study for my M Deg? Will I ever move back to V-City? Or HK? Or be in the same city as my parents?
Or own a Porsche? M3? How about my Audi RS4 wagon? And my gigantic house?
Hmm.
I'm not a "what-if" person, but on this issue, I often ask myself.
I ask what if, in 2005, I chose to work for the ergonomic research firm in U of Michigan instead of the Health & Safety job in Toronto. Would I have settled in the States instead (and earn almost double salary)? Well no idea. But I definitely would not have made friends with all my TO buddies, reunited with Jai + Ling + Stephy, or gotten the Calgary job I have now.
Then, upon my graduation in 2005, what if, I accepted the Masters degree offer in HK? Would I have stayed and finished it? Well maybe. In my 2 months vacation, I felt a strong connection with my birthplace, I felt a desire to live with (or close to) my parents. I missed them, I missed my childhood friends. But then, I've never entertained the thought of working in HK.
After I returned to Vancouver in Feb 2006, what if, I caved in to the pressure of finding a job fast, and not stuck to my goal of landing a job in my field? Would I now be working for eBay, PayPal, or HSBC as a bank teller (and make enough to only feed myself once a day)? Very likely. I was so soo sooo close to giving up, albeit it was only after 1 month of job search. But I didn't, because somewhere deep inside, I felt I was destined for something else (or just that I was arrogant as usual).
Then after Calgary made me this nice offer to move to C-town, what if, I didn't accept it? I worked in C-town once before. I liked my friends; but not the city, not the atmosphere, not the environment. If I didn't take that job, I definitely would not be in my new home blogging right now. If I didn't take that job, I would not have left my city and my closies behind. It's tough. But then, if I had stayed, and not found a good job, would I deem myself a failure? Or just like every other ordinary body that's paying $1.30 per litre gas in beautiful Vancouver? Maybe. Or I might just move back to HK then.
Now that I'm here, I ask, when will I study for my M Deg? Will I ever move back to V-City? Or HK? Or be in the same city as my parents?
Or own a Porsche? M3? How about my Audi RS4 wagon? And my gigantic house?
Hmm.
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