Saturday, December 30, 2006

好音樂

更多好的中文牒。

方大同 - 愛愛愛
王菀之 - 詩情.畫意 (她是基督徒嗎?)
陳奕迅 - What's Going On
謝安琪 - K sus2 (未婚媽媽也是基督徒嗎?)
農夫 - 音樂大亨
楊千嬅 - Unlimited

講開楊千嬅,這個只能聽她 studio 錄音 CD 的歌手,在 "她成功了他沒有" 裡做到無常人能做到的事情,她完全不需要吸氣。

太期待她唱這首歌 live 喇!

Friday, December 29, 2006

昇職

不能說得更直接。

一年半內,一個無學識,由最低級文員,昇職到經理。

聽說的是工作表現一般,不過不失。

眼見的是她每天上班都在漏奶 (她的 border 設在 equator,印尼左右,有幾天更 tsunami)。

看見的是又一個奮鬥的好例子,眾人的榜樣。

Thursday, December 28, 2006

五天不停

以前在 Van-city,如果不是飛去香港,便一定會到朋友們(Hermia, Kenchit)家開 party。其餘的時間,一定會和所有老朋友見面。一定的。

今個假期,卻什麼都沒有計劃,因為沒有『心照』的朋友。但卻一點都沒有『沒事做』。

---

五天的假期過去了,有四天不停打機,睡了很少,亦讀完一本書。

1) Dec 22
團契在 Danny 屋企開 party。那隻貓令我超級敏感。

2) Dec 23
早上開始讀 Angela's Ashes。買了三年,要讀了。

晚上到 Malcolm (Gloria, 寶哥, Alex 的團友) 家晚飯 + 第一次打 Wii。很有錢的人 (M3, M5, X3, Z4, 911),很好吃的火雞,很好玩的 Wii,很酸痛的膊頭。

3) Dec 24
和 Brett + 云云 督波後,Lucia 請所有人到她的家吃魚生壽司,很正。

4) Dec 25
早上到 William (另一個 Gloria, 寶哥, Alex 的團友)家打 Xbox 360。他的屋企像旺角二樓的音響店。有膽機,有大熒幕,有音響房,有原板街機一部 + 所有舊街機遊戲。

晚上到 蘇氏 屋企繼續 Xbox 360。Gears of War 真的很吸引。

5) Dec 26
沒有去 shopping。

到 馬氏 屋企晚飯。今晚我真的 appreciate Wii 這部機。Nintendo 這次做對了。眼見 Gamecube 的失敗,新的機便不再跟 PS3 或 360 爭。Wii 自成一格,創新的玩法,帶出得意的遊戲,成了最好的 party machine。

6) Dec 27
Winter conference。

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明天便要上班。

打機太多,睡得太少,人很頹。

Saturday, December 23, 2006

團聚沒有我

對西人來講,年尾的感恩節和聖誕節是一家團聚的節日,
跟華人的農曆年一樣。

今年我家人聖誕節的計劃,一如以往,沒有我。
過去八年,和家人渡過三次聖誕,三次都是我飛回香港。
今年聖誕,爸爸飛了去溫哥華,帶了弟弟去 New York 探契媽一家。

弟弟去了溫哥華讀書四個月。
爸爸已探了他兩次。
媽媽亦會四月來探他。











而我,在距離一個小時飛機的 Calgary,他們沒想過來看看。
也許,我獨立得太可怕了。


我真的不開心。

我亦怕,
有一天,
我連不開心也感不到。

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

告別 www.sfu.ca/~sluia/

我在學校的 webspace 今日到期。

我的 undergrad 生涯正式成為過去。

是時候找個 web hosting 了。

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

差點放棄前行

要多少打擊,才能叫一個有為青年放棄向前行?

原來不難。
不需要失敗,不需要恥笑,不需要跌倒;
只需要 -25C 的天氣,
只需要 windchill -40C 的毒針強風。

今天在路旁、等巴士的十五分鐘裡,是我活了二十多年來,第一次想到放棄。

是絕望的放棄,
是想在地上"典"的放棄,
是眼望天問『點!解!』的放棄。

差點放棄,如果那遲到的巴士沒有來。

Sunday, November 26, 2006

笑話

看著溫度計,我真的覺得超好笑!

『未來幾日最溫度是零下二十度。』電台說。
『有風的時候會是零下四十度。』哈哈哈!
















哈哈哈!










低處未見低。

Friday, November 24, 2006

成人地區

冬天閒來無事做,便和團契的人去睇樓。

報紙上,有這一廣告。

















據說,那一帶的居民很三級的。

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Daai Fei Jee

昨晚食飯咬到嘴唇。
今天順理的生粒 Daai Fei Jee。

DFJ 跟 Daai Faan Yaan 一樣,你不想他來他偏來,你用盡方法趕他走他永不走。清水、鹽水、汽水、西瓜霜、啤酒、薯條、辣椒,全部冇用。原來對付 DFJ,和面對 DFY 都無分別。

Sunday, October 29, 2006

避不了

一夜之間,下了大雪。

這次,冬天真的來了。

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

浪費時間是快樂的

聽著彭靖惠的新碟,覺得放下手上的、卸下肩膊的,一個下午什麼都不做,是快樂的。

幻想回到 2004 年的暑假。我們三人去 Vancouver Island。最後在 Victoria 海旁喝啤酒、吃 calimari、談天,十分寫意。

---

剛過去的 wkend,在溫哥華約了 D-梁 出來。

再次回到中學時代的 Kerrisdale,很懷念。全世界最美麗的地區,最美麗的中學,最美麗的房屋,最美麗的回憶。

Monday, October 16, 2006

2006 年最後的婚禮

對,我可以從新儲錢!可以為 2007 儲錢...可以為 2007 年的多個婚禮儲錢!因為我已參加完 2006 年所有的婚禮!值得興祝!

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今次的婚禮有點奇,奇在我不算是新娘或新郎的朋友/家人/鄰居。。。因為這個特殊的關係,今次不算很開心。不是不開心,而是沒有為朋友開心的那種快樂。

這對不是教徒的新人,為了想在教堂行禮,所以去了 Unitarian Church。這個教派,是大雜錦,乜都信,乜都對,是可怕的。

---

除了婚禮,這次旅程還是為了探望弟弟。

一個被人照顧慣的年輕人去了 UBC,住 dorm,讀五科,一切一切都太快。

希望他會好好地,不要浪費時間。浪費時間,是四年大學全部用來讀書,浪費了大開眼界/識新朋友/吸收新經驗的機會。

Thursday, October 12, 2006

噩夢連場

從小到大,我常常發夢。很多離奇古怪的故事,就在半夜場上演。

但過去的三個星期,是我記憶中第二次發噩夢。

第一次,是中學時期,我連續發了幾個全家人被虜到菲律賓,然後被盤問(一條無人懂得答的問題),最後被殺的夢。

這一次,我連續三次發現自己在 calculus 考試,問題似懂非懂,肯定肥佬,十分恐佈。比被殺還恐佈。

上學這麼多年,從來未試過發關於學校的夢。

這個 calculus,實在太可怕。五年過去,還在來探我。

Saturday, October 07, 2006

感恩節 @ 馬氏

在 Thanksgiving 星期六的早上花了五個小時去弄我車子的 CD-機。幫我的那個技工技術不是提好,所以弄了五個小時。但他卻很用心,所以在等了五個小時後我有 CD-機可用。

快樂不快樂,很在乎我留意的是叫我黑面的一點,還是叫我感到值得感恩的一點。

之後去了馬氏家晚餐。很有愛心的夫婦。很美味的雞翼、牛扒、青島啤。

Friday, October 06, 2006

加人工 2:於金字塔頂

今天是 performance review。入去前,都知到肯定會過 probation,所以重點放在我需要改進的地方。

和上頭傾了差不多一個小時,很暢快。如果我真的要離開,絕對不會是因為我個 sup。他給了我很多正面的 feedback,還有很有建設性的意見。他再次說我的表現很好,所以沒理由不加我人工(即是第三次加喇!)。更由於我(這隻白老鼠)表現好,所以在新請來的一班人裡,便再次有一位剛畢業的女孩子。

飄飄然呀。飄飄然。

開完會後,站在金字塔頂,第一件事就是從心的發出感謝。由我的家人,到朋友,到老師,到實習,到跨越,到教會,到工作,到屋主。一切一切,都是美好的。

如果換轉是以前的我,一定會自我膨脹到不得了。現在我知道,這一切都是神和身邊的人一滴一滴地送給我的。

今天我很快樂。因為我的生命是美好的。

Thursday, October 05, 2006

大圍小圈

第一次見到團契有小圈子出現,是中學時代,我讀 Gr.10。很記得那一晚,望著小圈,我問身旁的好友:『為什麼我們不在其中?我唔開心。』他說:『我也有同感。』

之後我和我的中學團契開始疏,因為我看不起『我們只和 Christians 做朋友』的那一班人。所以沒有為小圈子而非常不快樂。

之後到了大學團契。(也許因為大家不太熟的原故)沒有小圈子。還有,我大學的日子多姿多彩。所以沒有因為和團契不熟而非常不快樂。(現在回想起,覺得很可惜。)

之後到了多倫多一個夏天。我自己參加了一個小圈子。生活非常愉快,因為有很強的 sense of belongingness。我覺得,生命裡有熟朋友是對的;但在團契裡 exclude 了其他人,便是錯。

現在來到卡加里,一大圍人裡好像有幾個小圈,整個團契又好像不太熟。我感到有點危,有點可怕,不健康。我的心告訴我,有不快樂的感覺。

真的要小心,真心,小心。 我提醒自己。

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

加人工

八月公司加了人工,其實因為 inflation,所以不算加人工,只是令員工沒有少了 real income。

今個月再加少少,因為每兩星期就有人離開,因為其他地方出價高很多,因為公司說想 "...match the market and keep the best people"。

我看到 email 後,覺得如果沒有加第二次人工,我不會這麼失望。我從來未想過『我現在人工低,所以要離開。』但如果你真的想 match the market,你不會加這麼少。你這樣說 + 你這樣做,我覺得被騙了。

I don't need half-hearted charity.

Monday, October 02, 2006

快,但不飛快

如果上學的日子像四十公里長跑;
如果上班的日子像夏天郊外散步;
那麼上班+上學就是四百米賽跑。

不是高速全力衝,不是跑不完,也不是散慢到悶;
而是有點快的跑,有點累,有點想休息,有點覺得還有短短二百米,有點亂。

Monday, September 25, 2006

大鑽

坐在身旁的女同學,跟電車上的女乘客和眼見的女仕們一樣,都有大鑽在左手第四手指。

但有一點不同,當別人自然或炫耀地展示大鑽,女同學常常用右手蓋著她這隻可買下一部車的車鑽。

叫我有點喜歡她。

Sunday, September 24, 2006

牧羊少年奇幻之旅

好書。

我們要怎樣追尋夢想。怎樣去尋夢,尋到了要怎樣去追。怎樣用盡一切去追,因為人生只有一次。

剛剛讀完這本書,印象最深刻的內容有:

-男孩在父親的眼底看得出父親其實也可望去旅行 ─ 儘管他因為數十年來睡在同一張床上。

-尋過程中的每一個片刻,都是和神與永恆的邂逅。

-在追求天命的時候,你也許會失去所有你已經贏得的東西。

-而日子之所以會相同,是因為人們不能珍惜每天發生的事。

-幸福的秘密就是去欣賞世界上所有的奇妙景觀,但不要忘了湯匙裡的油。

-別人希望我當一個神父,我卻決定作個牧羊人。

-當我真實地在追尋著夢想時,一路上我都會發現從未想像過的東西,如果當初我沒有勇氣去嘗試看來幾乎不可能的事,如今我就還只是個牧羊人而已。

Saturday, September 23, 2006

樂善好施

樂善堂。叫我想起我鄰居們上的小學。從我家步行二十分鐘便到達。

好施。是今晚邀請我們火窩的姊妹。她的大笑,不拘小節,不扮0野,很特別。就像我所有的老朋友一樣 (K-王,D-梁,W-陳,SB-梁...)。都會在心中快樂的時候盡情的大叫大笑。

Thursday, September 21, 2006

有什麼特別?

今天去了見客。其實又不是客。這間公司的 claims 都是我管理的,所以要和他們見個面。Put the face to the name。

開完會後,其中一個 auntie 級的經理在大家面前對我說:『估不到你這麼年輕。我的女兒也比你大。』

這一句,"..can't believe you're so young!" 在上班的這幾個月已聽了很多次。
-外面的客,大部份是質疑。質疑我的能力/判斷力/權力。
-公司的同事,差不多事質疑。再加多點點威迫。
-但感謝神,我新的 supervisor 對我很好。當我犯錯時,他會耐心教導。今天開完會回程時,他說我可以 handle 更多公司客,surpassed all their expectations。是不是有人工加呢?

但這有什麼特別?

我自問不是做得非常好,我還是久不久便做錯一些,或說錯話。他覺得我表現好,是因為其他同事的懶惰使我的盡責顯得特出。

在車上,他間接又直接地問我,我讀完現在的 cert 後,會不會離開。這個問題經已是答案。

我只想告訴他,在這個市場,我不需要完成整個學位都可以找到下一份工了。不是現在這份工不好,只是這裡太安穩(但又最適合想讀夜校的我),這裡充滿懶惰/望放工/望退休/不望進步的人。我還未到那個階段。

我又想告訴他,我有點內咎感。因為公司破例在外地(另外的城市)請了一個剛畢業的學生(我是第一個),我應該不要這麼做便有離心。況且,有很多人想進來做都沒機會,我是應該珍惜的。

但如果在這裡待多兩年,我下半生便這樣下去了。被那些 pension 困住,被 benefits 留著,被懶人感染。我還未到那個階段。

Sunday, September 17, 2006

兄弟

剛剛讀完余華的『兄弟』。

不過是 Forrest Gump + Live is Beautiful + 便利 + 新地。

就是這樣。

Saturday, September 16, 2006

請給我多一點

沒有六月飛霜的粵語長片式悲慘,但九月下雪卻叫我感到很可惜。短短的夏天突然和我告別,像演唱會唱了三首歌便完場一樣。只有三個月,我覺得被 short changed,想界凳。

Monday, September 11, 2006

又開學喇!

對上一次上學已是十四個月前。最後一次考試過後,我沒有『終於讀完大學』的興奮,而是『要準備去 Toronto 實習』的期待。去完 Toronto 後,去了旅行;旅行後,來到 Calgary;工作後,先發覺我沒有好好地關上大學這個 chapter。

完來我是懷念大學的。

今天放工後,我在新的城市,踏進這所名不太響的 U of Calgary,開始讀這個由氣大一點的 U of Alberta 所辦的證書,心情十分興奮。最接近的形容,是小學開始前的一天、或第一次坐飛機前一晚的那種坐不安睡不著的感覺。

我十分嚮往上學。愛學新知識,喜歡結識新朋友,愛感到自己在向目標邁進,喜歡生活上有屬於我的東西。

今天的課其實無聊:三小時的課,教授用了兩個小時介紹自己和讓同學互相認識。下課後,好像什麼都沒有學到。

但能夠上學,太興奮喇!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

K 歌嘆息

每次去 K,總會點古巨基的舊歌。

唱中箭、唱愛與夢飛行、唱友共情、唱木納,
大家都嘆氣,
都懷念那個古巨基。

我們都不須要做隻貓狗的,
不要 gimmick、不要搏獎的。

看到他的新碟『我生』
我有怕再一次的失望。

聽了第一句,
我們喜愛的回來了!
那舒服唱法回來了!

聽完全隻碟,
開心的是最真的(在我心中)古巨基再現;
可惜的是找不到第一次聽歡樂今宵或忘了時間的鐘的興奮了。

---

記得古巨基開始下滑的那幾年,個個人的 complaint 都是那幾句,
之所以他要改歌路。

改完歌路,去了大陸,回到香港被笑,到 Paco,到拿獎,
到頭來,原來最喜歡的是原來的他。

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

你沒禮貌!

在公車上,有兩名乘客下車。自然多了兩個座位出來。

有一老伯飛快的插入,拿到窗口位;
之後有中坑坐下,拿到另一個位。

本來以為相安無事的,怎知原來老伯是想幫愛人霸位的。老太太不夠中坑快,所以很不忿。

開始華人式罵戰了。

中坑被兩老三文治。

老伯首先用廣東話鬧中坑,
中坑用國語反擊。
中坑一句:『中文都不懂的廣東鬼住口!』(Hey! 連我都罵!)
老伯作勢去推走中坑(但停留在作勢的階段)。

老伯和老太顯然國語不靈光,但也聽得懂被罵的意思。於是雙劍合壁,連發幾十句國語:『你沒禮貌!』

其他乘客(連我在內),放工太累了。但有個正氣白人男子開口,叫他們收聲。老伯用英文解釋罵戰的原因。白男說不關我事,但你們太嘈了。老伯說了兩句 Ok Ok.

靜了不夠兩分鐘,老太突然發難『huh! huh! huh!』還作勢去打他(當然停留在作勢的階段)。

中坑交叉雙手,扮睡覺去。

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小時候讀很多名人傳記。

有一本是說個中國將軍的。好像是林則徐,但不太肯定,應該不是。

那個將軍有次去德國,想見識新科技和學德國的軍法。德國的代表當然看不起這個 slanted eyes 的矮小人。

德:為什麼要教你?我只和軍事強大的國家交流。
中:我們也很強的!我不知平定了多少次內亂!

原來強大的中國軍事力量是用來打自己人的。

---

我在想,如過那個中坑是個白人或者黑人,只要不是中國人,
那兩老一定會一聲不發地詐作無事回家去。

Monday, August 21, 2006

被踢後感

真心話,我的屋主是全世界最好的屋主。她待我好像一家人一樣。

真心話,過了上個星期一,我真的一點不開心都沒有。

真心話,換轉我是屋主,在這個 circumstance,我也會把房客踢出去五晚。

真心話,我不明白為何兩個經濟正常的有為家庭,在計劃了大半年的旅行中,會好意思的借住在別人家裡,還要老奉地什麼都不預備。他們真的住了免費酒店。

真心話,我有期待過那家人會多謝我。

Saturday, August 19, 2006

與米爺同居的五個夜

什麼都不用說,真的很多謝呀 Mike 收留我。

---

和他一起談了些天。其實是廢 up。

說了這個,說了那個。

很奇怪。
有些人把感情看得兒戲,
有些人去選擇逃避,
有些人追完佢再追佢最後追你。

更奇怪,
我竟然和呀 Mike 說起自己對其他人的看法。
因為我是不太喜歡說他人是非的。
有時候,知得少才是幸福。

在床上再想,如果我樣衰+無腦,晚上被人當話題的很可能是我。

很可怕。

其實,好有可能,在同一晚,有兩個無聊人把我倆當笑話笑到零晨三點。

Monday, August 14, 2006

無資產階級

小時候,我學到,背脊痕時沒有不求人,是可憐的。

見工時,我學到,沒有 barganing power,是任人湯的。

今天這件事,叫我明白,無資產或無名氣或無權力的,是可憐的。

我在想,
如果我有自己的屋,便不會被人踢出來;
如果我很出名的,便不會被人踢出來;
如果我也是什麼銜頭什麼牧師什麼什麼,便不會被人踢出來。

Saturday, August 12, 2006

又一個婚禮

就是到了這個時候, 身邊的朋友開始說要結婚了。

比我大五年的,差不多全都結婚了;
比我大三年的,差不多全到決定/經已結婚了;
我個同年的,有人要結婚了。(恭喜你呀,V-鄧!)

朋友們的決定對我最大的影響,就是這個夏天我花了很多很多錢去參加婚禮。

---

每個婚禮,都會有人認真/說笑/廢up地問:『幾時到你呀?』

其實,關我什麼事呢?

乜你呀媽冇教你『人地去死你唔去死!』嗎?

---

Any-Way,這個婚禮很好。

短,精,簡。

我是來參加婚禮、分享喜悅的,不是來聽你爸/媽/弟/好朋友ABCDEFG表演的。

男的說得很動人。(為什麼連續兩個新郎都這麼sensitive呢?)
女的如常很冷靜。(?!)

---

之後的晚宴就不好。

食物是冷的,服務員是無腦的,音響是聽不到的,
空閒時間多得很,心情有點悶。

從未試過到十一點還未吃甜品。

當然,全部都是酒樓/酒痁的錯。

---

不值一提(但還要提)的,怎少得我最恨惡的接新娘環節呢?

我有理由相信,接新娘是由嫁唔出的落寞女人想出來的發洩玩意

Sunday, July 30, 2006

眼前這人,懶音 + 錯音奇多,很難相信自己會專心地聽他說話。

集中力由他的內容,轉到字眼,轉到懶音,轉到錯音,轉到漩渦叫我頭痛。

增唇;
滅唇;
分唇;
錫唇。

看著他的唇開合開合,這雙非常碩士的唇叫我相信,這真是非常可笑。

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

婆婆聽電話

Calgary 的夏天很乾,太陽很灼。

下班後,鐵皮廂內,小小的窗口吹進熱風,我正在想冷氣機與溫室效應,正在想冷氣機與享受,正在想吃印度咖哩。

停站了。數十條沙甸魚中,我看到一個華人老婆婆。她帶著兩個七、八歲的女孫兒上車。

很辛苦呀,我在想。

有一位白人青年人讓座給老婆婆。她謝了他,接受了這個車廂左面的位子。
有另一白人女子讓座給兩個小朋友。你眼望我眼,再望望婆婆的準許,就坐上了這個車廂右面的位子。

我再飛回溫哥華吃印度咖哩。

突然聽到小朋友沙沙的聲音大叫:『聽電話呀!婆婆聽電話!聽電話呀!婆婆聽。。。』

本能的望向老婆婆。見她很慌忙的在袋裡找她的電話。找著了,看看來電顯視,按制,
之後笑著的對孫兒說:『衰 doi!玩婆婆!』

再望望小朋友,他倆天真地笑,然後把電話收起。

今天天氣很熱呀。

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sense and Sensibility

今天參觀一個婚禮。只是參觀,因為和一對新人不熟,所以不算參加。

到交換介指時,新郎說得數度差點流淚,內容真的很感動人。這麼冷血的我,眼睛也浮了幾滴馬尿。

之後到新娘表達心聲。不知是否擔心面上的化妝,所以強制自己的情緒,還是婚禮的一切 + 結婚的一天太累人,她說得很平靜。好像無感情的鐵人,六句 monotone 相識/一起/他很好/所以結婚,最後一句 I love you,理性得可怕。

---
At a wedding my husband and I attended, the groom got choked up and shed a few tears.

I leaned over to my husband and whispered, "Why didn't you cry at our wedding?"

"I would have," he replied, "if I'd known what was in store for me."
-- Laurel Cadman, Edmonton , 1999, Reader's Digest Canada, Reader Contributions

---
可怕的並不是理性的她,或感性的他,而是兩樣都重要的未來。

當樓價在觸摸不到的雲上,當事業決定在他人手裡,當世界的壓力像浪般撲過來;
當結了婚的會離婚,當訂了婚的會反口,當雙愛過的會分手;
當一個婚禮用了多少錢-->新屋多少錢-->父毋給了多少錢-->你人工多少錢已有專人在三十分鐘內幫你計了出來;
當我一直相信自己是不太理會別人的想法;
但今天又叫我多一點的懷疑自己。

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

李小龍說:「人生的責任在於忠實地發展自己的潛能,完成自我。」

昨天我被掉/丟/調了。

因為公司有人離開,所以上頭便決定把我踢去填空位。

為什麼我反應會這麼的大?因為:
第一,我原來的那一組有兩個新人(我是其一),我不明白為什麼要把我調走。
第二,我原來的那一組是最難做 = 最多東西學的一組,現在沒有了。
第三,最難的一組須要最醒目的人,這是不是說明我不及另一位新人?

想到第三點,人變得灰了。

雖然另一位新人其實不是"新",她在這行已做了十多年了,但我覺得我一點也不比她舜色。

但怎樣都好,昨天放工後在公車上,我想到李小龍。

Sunday, July 09, 2006

施單失控的這一天

七月的第二個星期天。

吃過早餐,去了教會,吃過午餐,看完世界杯。

之後呢?

走上、走落。走上、走落。

我在想,我應該立刻找個 web hosting,因為我要自己的 homepage。我要 post 日記。我還有很多無聊的文字要放上網。

我在想,我應該明天立刻開始做運動,因為做運動會強身體健氣如紅。因為我已下了決心,六個星期了。

我在想,我應該打多些電話跟爸媽談話(今天牧師講得很到心),但我沒回家喝湯七年了,陌生了。我沒做大醫生來完成媽媽對她爸爸懷著的夢想,所以和她說話有點像罰留堂、要交帳。我心裡有個洞,不是說幾分鐘電話就填得滿。

我在想,我應該不再為金錢憂慮,因為這樣會叫我很不舒服。我會每天都心 up。我會妒忌他人。我會這生人第一次的真實地不滿足。我知道我現在的工資,對 fresh grad 來說是很不錯。但就是不夠我買樓買車呀。是,我認,但又有什麼不對?!

我在想,我應該不要被性感漂亮聰明幽默的女孩吸引,因為再下去我會變態,因為就算不變態也會做錯事。但我血氣就是方剛,我認,這又有什麼不對?

我在想,如過我是 Clint Eastwood 的話,我會殺死 Hilary Swank 嗎?

我在想,廿十歲的劉若英會喜歡我嗎?三十歲的她會因為我而流淚唱出『後來』嗎?四十歲的她會因為嫁了給我而每天都相信她的最幸福的女人嗎?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

近視男看高油價

我為人短視,成千度的近視 doesn't help the fact。

眼見油價高企,我什麼應對或賺錢的方法都找不到;
我只能幻想每踏一下油門便有硬幣從死氣喉溜走。

Sunday, April 23, 2006

最深奧難明的中文

盡管已聽了很多年,有時後我仍會覺得聖經的中文很可怕。
尤其是在教會中人用我用、講到滑瓦、濫用非常的詞語。

什麼是事奉?司事?司琴?守望?團契?屬靈?

好像很懂,但又不是。
上中文科時老師好像沒有教;
入大學和見工面試又好像沒有考。

最不明白的,
是為什麼要用一些遠離人群的 jargons 去表達這些要接近大眾的東西?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

至於我和我家

每個人都有目標、願望、價值觀;
而較強的個人目標是會成為家庭的目標。

如果目標的開頭是: 『至於我和我家』,
哪接下來的是什麼?
  • 必定用盡所有方法得到最多錢,什至偏人、偏政府?
  • 必定背後插人幾刀,再踏著人家的頭令自己上位?
  • 必定用最差的尺來量度別人?
  • 必定不和不信主的人類做朋友?
---

很厲害的一句:至於我和我家,我們必定事奉耶和華。

我下了決心。

Relative Truth

I'm right, you're right, he's right, they're right.
We're all right.
We're allrite.

If the truth can be relative, it isn't the truth.
The heart does pump blood. The brain does think.
Do we say that due to respect to your education system, we now teach that the heart can pump blood and think? And that the brain is filled with grass?

Can I stand up for the truth?

Ppl say we're rude, that we don't accept others, that our God is only one of the many Gods.
That Jesus is a way, a truth, a life.

Do we have the courage to say change all the a's into the?

Do we believe?

Friday, April 21, 2006

太遲

太遲,也許是今晚。

也許是今晚在我家 potluck 的開始時間;
也許是放 lasagna 入鋦爐的時間;
也許是決定玩 Cranium 的時間;
也許是明天要上班的朋友今晚的睡覺時間;
也許是今晚。

太遲,也許是發現我有幾個好玩得來的朋友--原來可以到我家玩很開心一晚--的時間。

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Apr 20: 快樂

生氣的事情發生在快樂的事情的中間。

今天要多謝請飲茶的 Auntie-J,
一直請我吃飯和介紹修理汽車公司給我的 Auntie-U,
好朋友 T-梁,
好朋友的好朋友 J-E。

五個人飲茶,有中有英有快有慢,但大家都是為了我而來,
快樂。

Apr 20: 生氣

生氣因為我的舅父再次的老馮。

今次的 passport 事件再次証實他的 spoiled little child syndrome。

無論他是五歲、三十五歲、或是八十五歲,這個病都是冇得醫的。

Friday, April 14, 2006

Apr 14: Fido!

今日同 Fido negotiate 我個 contract。

In the end, after about 5 min of talk, my new contract'll be about 40% off the published deal.

Another example of little negotiations going a long way. The company already has decided to give everybody 40% off, it's a matter of whether you'll ask for it or not.

Yes, I hate contracts, but I think I'll stay in Calgary for 2 years, so *hopefully* this will work out.

---

從來都不喜歡合約:工作合約,買賣合約,電話合約。感覺似被箍死 。

是我自己沒信心兩年內不會離開加拿大?
還是害怕兩年內找到個更好的 plan?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

阿倫大釋放

"為Wendy母子徹底剖白 阿倫大釋放 太太莎莉地位無可取替". Mingpao.

阿倫 was my idol. My 1st ever music cassette was 愛的根源. I memorized the entire A-B sides. Because of him, I somehow didn't like Leslie. I still sing his old songs duing K.

阿倫 can be my idol. He has 2 women. Well I think he had many women; but he has 2 women willing to sacrifice everything for him.



阿倫 is my joke idol. I make fun of him being a 齊人.

阿倫 is no longer my idol.

---

成龍, on the other hand, has never been my idol.

Don't watch "Lucky Number Sleven".

If you want my advice on movies, don't watch "Lucky Number Sleven".

If you were unfortunate enough to be fooled by the numerous positive reviews as I have, you probably have already wasted $12.

As the movie dragged along its first hour, I kept telling myself, "Regret. Regret. Stupid movie. Stupid of me."

As the movie ended, "Bad movie. Boring. Pretentious. Will Silvercity refund the past 2 hours of my life?"

It's OK for you to be a plain, stupid and pointless suspense movie.

But it's unacceptable to when:
  • You think you are very clever, therefore you continuously pump out long garbage lines;
  • You think you are very bright, therefore you show me a pointless story in the fashion of "6th sense" or "Pulp Fiction" while I know are not;
  • You think you are romantic, therefore you create baseless, umemotional romance scenes;
  • You think you are a good movie, when you are everything opposite to one.
Sounds very similar to some people I meet in my life.

---

On the other hand, if you are serious in watching a stylish and suspenseful movie on the topic of revenge, I highly recommend the Korean movie "Old Boy".

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Apr 8: 又一個星期六

四月八日,星期六,又一個星期六。

早上上教會,做 sound room,教好 pha-黃。我相信這個沒太多人相信的年青人。他不是最聰明--他一點都不聰明,但他做事上心和勤力。由第一次我邀請他來 sound room 幫手他便十分起勁,到之後他每一次都會早到教會,每一次他都很有耐心的聽我的指示。。。無錯,他犯錯比較多,但他也進步了不了。我真的相信他。也許,他就是需要一個機會。我希望我走了以後,其他人會一直的給他信心。

很開心的午餐後,幾個人幫 G-張 搬家。她說,這是第九次了。她一個人,大房搬細房,共搬滿四部車,厲害厲害!

之後,約 V-鄧 出來喝咖啡聊聊天。我很喜歡和她聊天。大家都在經歷差不多的問題:理想-工作,事業-愛情,金錢-價值。沒什麼比有朋友分擔、質疑、支持、和開解更重要。我衷心希望她和羅渣會有美好的結果。

T-梁 媽媽請我到他們家吃晚飯。當大家都在自己食自己,只有他還記得我。

晚上團契,內容是說我們的人生態度是傾向正面或負面。我正面有正面的好,但也會比較不小心行事,因為我覺得什麼都沒問題。說到底,我是接受不了太過負面的人的。負面的人呀,請你不了接近我。

四月八日,星期六,又一個星期六。三個星期六後,我便要開始新生活。

A Successful Planned Purchase

What a great day! Seattle Premium Outlet, I like you. High Canadian dollar, I thank you. Boarder officers who reward honesty, I thank you too.

People say shopping gives you shallow enjoyment. I agree. Therefore I don't do ordinary shopping. I make planned purchases.

Ordinary shopping: "Oh we have nothing to do! Let's go shopping! Let's be aroused by the mall and let's buy things we don't really need!"

Planned purchases: "I need work clothes for my new job. I will buy them."

My 1st crack at the office environment. I bought couple hundred loonies worth of business casuals. I hope I will do good business while looking good inside the business attire.

A successful planned purchase is equivalent to meeting the corporate quarterly goal.

---

As I'm typing this journal, I realize that I am very greedy.

Not because I have a big wardrobe, rather because I generate needs that aren't essential to me at all.

My wants have blurred into needs. I need a pair of LeBrons, a pair of Superstars, a pair of Dunk Lows, a pair of AF 1's, sweaters, argyles, checkers, blue jeans, cargos, plaids, khakis, hats, military hats, watches, more watches. I still feel they were, and are, needs.

Suddenly this giant guilty feeling is upon my eyes. I am scared. I don't want to be a shallow shopaholic. But I know I am. I'm a shopaholic who makes planned purchases twice a year.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The power to decline

Looking into the mirror, I see the meanest guy in my life.

I can be very mean. I can say very mean words. I can act mean.

Usually it's when I'm joking.

Sometimes, I mean it.

I mean it when I am mean.

I ask God to give me strength to decline my mean self. Hurting others doesn't give me joy. Hurting others might seem powerful, but it's the result of being weak.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

2006 Pacific Auto Show

Yes, our annual Auto Boredom Show.

Yes, I go every year.

Yes, it's because I have free tickets (thanks to Ms. Yau).

Yes, if you have to pay you must not go.

Yes, it's not a good show.

Yes, it's like the AutoMall indoors.

---

Only 3 attractive cars this year.
  1. Audi RS 4 (I will never buy an Audi...except as a 3-year lease);
  2. BMW M5 (I can never afford an M5...if I can, I'll buy a Porsche instead);
  3. Acura RDX (Very good looking mid-size crossover SUV).
---

Many years ago, we had duets (eg: Leslie duet with Anita in 緣份).

Few years ago, we had featuring (eg: Black eye peas Feat. Justin Timberlake in Where is the love?). We still have it.

Recent years, we have crossover (eg: Nokia crossover with LG, Nike crossover with Bape, SUV crossover with sedan).

---

Oh back to the topic. The Acura RDX crossover is actually a very nice vehicle.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

曹格


Finally I have 曹格's songs on my hands.

Ever since his debut with 光良 in 少年 (what a lovely song!), I knew he's somebody to be reckoned with. Then during the past few months, I've heard and read from diff sources about how good he sings, how good his songs are, how he's the closest thing to David Tao, how he's better than Jay Zhou...

曹格 definitely has a beautiful voice. Very clear, easy to listen to, and has character.

But is he DT #2? Comparing their 1st albums, I doubt it. 曹's lacks the "WOW". Maybe it's because I've been spoiled by DT's excellence. Maybe it's unfair to compare.

But is he better than JZ? I don't know. I don't think J is such a good singer to begin with. J has distinctive rythm. Second to none, at least in the Chinese market.

I'm glad that there's one more superb singer on the Chinese pop scene. Besides DT, JZ, of course there's LeeHom.

I just hope 曹 doesn't become another forgotten beautiful voice. Thousands can sing: in choirs, in bars, in showers, as backups; but only 4 or 5 can be true stars.

---

Side note. 曹 has long hair for a reason. Same reason that DT has long hair.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Take on mp3, 2 years late.

Thru various distributors and full-time BT activists, I have quick access to mp3s, HK news shows, and sometimes, DVD movies.

During the past few years, when mp3 and downloading have allegedly crumbled the music industry, I have kept buying albums. Every one of the albums were bought after I have listened to their mp3 versions. If we can buy a TV, test it for 2 weeks, and have a full refund if we aren't satisfied, I think mp3 is my trial period. Because no refund is allowed on music CDs, I will use mp3s.

I haven't bought many Chinese CDs, much fewer than English ones. First of all, majority of Chinese CDs aren't good at all. It's a waste of time to even listen to them once. I can't distinguish between A to B to C, because they're all produced by the same people. Second reason, there's no second reason.

I haven't bought many CDs. Every year I only buy 5 or 6. Most CDs have a good song, ONE good song. My acceptance level is 3: if there're 3 good songs, I'm willing to dough out $15. That's $5/song. That's sacrificing a bubble tea per song. If there's only 1 good song, then it's $15/song, too much for my take.

Using this equation, James Blunt's "Back to Bedlam" is a good buy. There're 5 top notch songs: You're Beautiful, Wisemen, Goodbye my Lover, Tears and Rain, So Long Jimmy; and the rest are OK songs. It comes to ~$1.5/song. Bargain!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Subaru Legacy Wagon GT

I've liked many cars: 3-series coupe, S4 avant, Integra Type-R, Golf GTI.

Interestingly enough, I don't have the level of interest on my own vehicle.
Is it because I'm a stereotypical male who loses interest in his possessions?

Is it because I didn't choose my car in the first place?
Is it because I've driven this car for 7 years?
Is it because I now see better cars than my own?

My current car cocaine is the Subaru Legacy wagon GT. 2.5 litre turbo, 250 hp, big moon roof. Conservative appearance, but not outdated. Powerful, yet stealth. Only those who really know cars can appreciate the Legacy. People who purchase a legacy drive it till it dies. For the same amount of dough, they could've had a Bimmer, a Benz, an Audi, or a condo down payment. Instead they chose the Subaru wagon. It's an unpopular choice, it faces difficult consequences, but it's an easy choice. I like that profile. I can connect with that profile.



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Same as how Miles fell in love with Pinot.


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I just don't get why Maya loved Miles in return.




Mr. Ng Kar-Yu

嘉榆 found me first.

I think
the year was 2000. I was an avid homepage diary publisher. We were all into the internet hype. We searched, we wrote, we uploaded. Like many stories, browsing the net lead him onto my hompage's doorstep.

That Christmas I travelled to Hong Kong. I met up with him and Hiu-Mei. The location was a community centre for new immigrants from China. I helped tutor kids, we hung out afterwards, and I remember we went into an arcade before I went home.

That experience showed me how hypocritical HK ppl have been, especially the HK ppl who have immigrated to the overseas. In Canada we receive so much from the gov: ESL classes, equality education, milk money. At the same moment we mock the Chinese immigrants who chose HK to be their homes. We laugh at their accents, we fear their hard-work, we hiss at their existence. I tell anybody who'd offer an ear: the most serious form of racism against Chinese ppl aren't from the White ppl, it's from the Chinese ppl.

After my return to Canada, Hiu-Mei sent me a few of Kar-Yu's books. He became a writer after his stint at the community centre. Later he turned to teaching as his way to put a positive influence into kids. He loved everyone passionately; everyone was touched and changed.

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From Hiu-Mei's blog I knew Kar-Yu was in bad shape. His condition worsened, he couldn't leave the hospital anymore. I knew it was time. He outlived all the constraints being put on his shoulders. His days on Earth was closer to 29 than the 9-years that his doctors had prescribed.

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I've had a few friends that passed away.

His passing was the only one that I wished God would take him sooner. When he entered his last stage, God took him back quickly. God didn't make him sick on his bed for 2 years. Minimize the pain, minimize the torture, minimize the tears. On him, on his family, on his friends. He finished his marathon. It was time to get to the jacuzzi.

I never know what to say at the end. I keep my heart quiet and my lips shut.

I don't know what to say at the end.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

So what's next?

If I zoom out my life, I see chapters: Elementary, High school, U-life, volunteer, internships...all packed and very enthusiastic.

Jan to Mar 2006 was another chapter: job search.
Because I've never written about job searches, I didn't know what to do. I waited, I waited, I went wasted.
Suddenly the plot changed. From a dull nothing-happening to an exciting finish with a good job-nice offer.

Now, I'm back to nothing-happening. The current chapter is "preparing to start your job that is one month away".

The days after I've signed my job offer plus the entire month of April is filled with boredom. I don't have anything to do! I wake without a purpose, I sleep without accomplishments. I don't have any money to spend! It's so frustrating. Some days I have this indescribable loneliness inside me. I feel empty.

Yes I have a good job to look forward to. But that is 4 weeks away! What am I doing today? What am I doing now?

Most of my close friends have left Vancity. My remaining friends are either all busy or they aren't my close friends anyway. I just can't watch DVDs and fix my uncle's cmpt every waking moment.

OK, tmr will be another day.