NY Day 4: I know

This morning, KaiMai felt good, which was rare.

For the past few days, she has always been sleepy. The medication, the cancer, the pain, the poor appetite don't energize you like a Red Bull does. I've asked her many times if she wants me to push her outside, to a park, to get some fresh air. Every time she said no.

Today, she agreed.

As we strolled around the neighbourhood, we didn't talk much. I sensed there was something missing. She met some friends on the street, they stopped and chatted. You can tell KaiMa is a good person the way her friends treat her. We visited every grocery store because she wanted to get some "club cheese". We didn't find any. She was disappointed as if the only remaining wish in her is to find club cheese. I asked her if she craved this cheese that I've not heard of, she replied, "no, I hate cheese. But my grandson does."

Then KaiMa called Son#2 and asked of his whereabouts. (She does it constantly, calling her sons many times a day just to hear their voices.) She then asked him to drive her to buy a new fan, the tower style that's so popular these days. As we entered the store, we saw at least 10 tower fans. Son#2 immediately disappeared to check out the iPods with the Irish Boober. I asked KaiMa which fan she liked the most. She told me to grab Son#2 to choose one for her.

I waited outside. (I saw this flyer, this store is selling the Sharp Aquos 37" 1080i for $1000 US. The cheapest I've seen in Canada is $1400 Cdn at Costco. OH man, if only I could bring a TV onto a plane. And economists are saying the Cdn dollar will be on par with the US dollar by 2009!)

As I was waiting, I saw this couple on the street. They were checking out air conditioners. I saw from her eyes and she loved to be with him. I saw from his body language that he wished she was the real love. The real love that lives in his heart. The real love that is not the one holding his arm.

Then I saw myself.

No matter how hard I try, I'm not the person KaiMa needs the most. It's her sons. Her 2 precious sons who haven't spent much time and energy with her.

I know.